Affair, no feelings...is there hope? IV

[sandi2]

I agree about the control card--she hates being "restricted" as she calls it, she is stubborn and has always been that way. What is my response when she tries to play the control card?

WW: "I won't let you control me"!
You: "I am telling you what I will no longer tolerate, if we are going to stay M. You are free to decide if you will cooperate or not. If you have no intentions to show respect, that's your choice, but I have choices also. I will choose to get a divorce, rather than tolerate further disrespect".
WW: "Well, this is the way I am, so if you don't like it, then you are welcome to leave".
You: "Then I have my answer, and I see no point of continuing this discussion any longer".
WW: "Oh, that's typical. If you don't like something.......just walk away. Go into your bedroom and shut the door.
You: "I wanted an answer and you gave me one, so that's fine".
WW: "What about what I want, huh? What about my feelings? You didn't even care that I was stuck over there by myself. You waited till I was alone, and then you chose to lash out and punish me. You don't know what that did to me! You didn't even care enough to to just respond to my text".
You: "Look, we both are at a crossroads. I needed time to get my head clear. Before getting into saying things we might both regret latter, the first decision to make is whether or not we save our MR or get a divorce. I am telling you what I cannot tolerate any longer. You have the same right to say whatever you want. However, if you know at this moment you will refuse to change your behavior toward me........then I think it is pointless to continue".

So, she will either give you a straight answer, or she try to wiggle out and find an alternative solution.

WW: "I couldn't wait to get back home and be with you. I wanted us to make love and tell you how sorry I was for everything. I dreamed of us taking a little trip......like a second honeymoon, to start over. Then I get here and find you cold and hateful, yelling ultimatums at me, before I can even tell you how I feel. But.....I guess my feelings aren't important to you. Maybe you are right. Maybe we should just get a divorce".

See how that was worked by your fake W (me) in her last response? ^^^^^^^. It is to make you regret what you've just told her and how you handled yourself. She is giving you a picture of something beautiful and than you got into a hurry and messed up everything. It's designed to put you into pursuit mode. Don't do it. Remain calm, whatever happens.

I'm tempted to probably do too much "other" stuff, like make the house spotless, bathe the dogs, wash the cars (she has been mentioning this for awhile)...etc. Obviously, I will not have the house messy but how much is too much? I feel like I shouldn't wash her car...but I'm not going to just wash mine..so maybe not at all?

Good grief, man! You aren't getting ready for your first date, your WW is coming home.

Some people may see this and think you have many lovely attributes, but I don't. I see a H with a lot of NGS.

Noted, I think the same as you. I think she is genuinely trying to be nice--she was putting on her "first-date" level effort--but I can easily see how as soon as something rubs her the wrong way, she will lapse. Again, since this is somewhat expected, what is my response?

Follow through with basically what I sent in the previous post. If you think I was too shaped tongued in places, you can bring it to my attention, or give a better example. I realize it sounds a lot more like ultimatums than boundaries. I just think you need to be that firm and not play pattiecake with her.

The very best scenario would be if she came home and humbly apologized and ask for your forgiveness, and tell you she wanted to work together in having a good M. If (and that is a big IF) this should be the case, then you can ease into the same conversation, but maybe say it more tenderly. Make sense? I don't think it will take long before you'll know how sincere she is.

Once I have my game plan and have practiced, this will be fine. I would love to hear more about possible scenarios. Based on her eagerness to plan trips, etc. I'm hoping she isn't already thinking along the lines of physical separation...however, this could change when she realizes I am going to force a "one or the other" on fixing the MR or D. Or maybe NC will change her whole attitude and she will be closed, who knows.

Since she's in the military, what kind of trip could she plan?

I will role play with you (me being the WW or the H, it doesn't matter). Tell me what role you want. I had written out some scenarios in the post I lost, which is probably for the best.....since I they may have sound a bit sharp.

This helps a lot. I can start to see the backbone of what I am aiming for. It does make me nervous about ultimatums, I thought those were supposed to be avoided? But I agree, I'm not really interested in in-between methods (or I shouldn't be, anyway...). I hope you will help me with my "what I need" list, I want it to be well edited.

MWD says in her DR book that if you give an ultimatum, be prepared to back it up. I say the same goes for boundaries. (You can't always just walk away and think the person will respect you for it). The differences in the two is the ultimatums don't give much of a choice. The recepient hears, "Do it my way, or else". Some people don't believe boundaries should have consequences. Well, I do. What good are they if they are dishonored and there are no consequences?

Here is how I see it. You tell her what you will not tolerate. Now, she can do whatever she chooses. Of she chooses not to honor your boundary, then some action should take place as a response. Since it was your boundary, you are the one to choose the action. You said you would not tolerate disrespect any longer. So, the ball in your court. What will you do? If you've already announced what you'd do.......then you best do it. If you didn't say what you'd do......you still need to show action.

To me, ultimatums are saying do it my way or else. So, that may seem how my examples sounded to you, IDK. At this point......and how she pushed this to a head like a nasty pimple.....I think you should be firm in your delivery. If you want to call it an ultimatum or whatever.......it doesn't really matter. I think it will have about the same effect. All I ask is that you don't walk around in your house crowing about this & that being your boundaries. As long as you know what they are, that's the important part. If you use these two examples I sent previously, then you'll need to be ready to follow through if she won't agree to cooperate in showing you respect.

In many ways, this is another confrontation. Only this time, you are hitting hard, and there is just one answer you want to hear. Which is, "I am willing to cooperate and work to save our M". I will be surprised if it's that easy. I don't think she'll be that straight forward about it. Giving her a chance to saying something first, will give you a better idea of what she's thinking. Her waywardness is still there, I'm pretty sure.

This helps a lot. I can start to see the backbone of what I am aiming for. It does make me nervous about ultimatums, I thought those were supposed to be avoided? But I agree, I'm not really interested in in-between methods (or I shouldn't be, anyway...). I hope you will help me with my "what I need" list, I want it to be well edited.

I will be glad to help. I don't think it's necessary to present it at the same time you tell her the first two boundaries. Once that conversation dies down, and if it seems to go well and she's showing positive signs of cooperating, then you might suggest that each of you make separate lists of what you need in the M, which the other spouse can provide.