Affair, no feelings...is there hope? IV

[sandi2]

If you give in too quickly, you'll likely experience a period of her showing better behavior, followed by a quick return of the old disrespect and self-entitlement attitude. So, you must be firm. If your WW says she is truly sorry and wants to work on the MR, let her know that you need to see some things change, to feel confident about her decision. If she starts telling you what you need to do for her.......just let her have her say. Depending if her attitude is okay. If she says she doesn't know what she wants, then tell her you know what you don't want, and proceed to tell her the following. At whatever point, the following boundaries need to be stated......if you mean it. If you won't stick to your resolve......then what's the point, right? She cannot think she can return to the same old behaviors and keep the M.

* "In order for the MR to go forward, there are some behavior patterns that must change".

* "I will not stay in a MR where I am disrespected in any fashion".
"I will no longer tolerate your self-entitled attitude. I will not be treated as if I owe my services to you, expected to wait on you hand & foot, or give accountability. I will not tolerate you treating me as if you are my mother, my commanding officer, or my employer. Are we clear, so far? If you aren't willing to change this behavior, then we need to end the M, right now".

Side Note: If she is not willing to do this much, then there is no point in trying to discuss anything else. There is no point in discussing the affair, or bringing this & that up, b/c it all boils down to one word........disrespect. So, if she starts talking about how you made her feel, yada, yada.......just look firmly at her and say, "This is about what you are willing to do to save our M. If you can't treat me respectfully, then we need to get a divorce, because I will not continue tolerating it".

* "I will not stay in a MR with private and/or inappropriate friendships and/or affair". "You have betrayed my trust, and you brought OM into our M. We either go forward committed to being faithful, or we end the M now. If there is to be a M, then there will be no more private/secret texting. If you are not willing to be transparent in our M, then say so now".

Side Note: If she tries to turn this around and bring up how you've been so secretive lately, just hold up your hand in the stop position, and say, "That was after learning of your affair. You've talked a lot about your feelings, and I had hoped for once you would consider my feelings. I did nothing that was inappropriate or disloyal. I have never had an inappropriate relationship with another woman. I have remained faithful and loyal to you, although you made it clear that you did not want to have sex with me". If she accuses you of wanting to punish her, just say "No".

The statements in bold are boundaries. However, don't mention them being boundaries to her. You are simply stating what you will not tolerate in your life. That is what boundaries do. They protect us. That is why countries have boundaries; our property has boundaries; and we have personal boundaries for how others treat us. We don't allow people to just treat us any old way. Right? We either push back, or we remove ourselves from the situation.......but we don't simply ignore it or comply.

For now, these two boundaries are the most important. I am going to send this on to you, b/c I don't want to accidentally lose it. If you have questions, please ask.