Can I really do this #2

[hoosjim]

Hey JS.

My own sitch has sort of slowed down drastically in recent weeks, after a very chaotic and turbulent burst of activity. Seems like I am at least "over the hump", and am not devoting as much mental energy to my own sitch (for the first time in many, many months, lol!) so I am going to try chiming in a little more on others' threads when I get a quiet moment. (Things are still kind of hectic for me with a chronically ill son and another son who is in the process of trying to avoid being flunked out of college, but I think I can make the time to try to give something back on this forum which has helped me so much.

First, you are getting great advice, here. Don't know if it has been firmly established that you have a "WW", but, wayward or walk-away, you wont find much better insight than Sandi2 has to offer. AnotherStander is also a long-time vet with very valuable insights and Steve85 is very very active and engaged. I know I have left out others, but I noticed those right off the bat. All of these folks have your best interests at heart-- just try to keep in mind that everyone on here has a slightly different perspective that tends to be colored by his/her own experiences and situation. Try to stay focused on your own sitch and try not to become too befuddled by the often varying takes you will get on here. If you look hard enough you will usually find general common threads running through the advice and insights of other posters that will prove to be your lifelines, and then particular posters will have special insights into your sitch by virtue of their own experience that will provide more specific guidance (in my own sitch, Artista's guidance has been particularly helpful as she identifies with and has much in common with my own W). At any rate, the bottom line is that everyone on here is on here to help you... so know that any advice is being given in the spirit of making you a better you and giving you the best shot of ultimately salvaging your MR (if that is what you want.)

Specific thoughts on your sitch:

1) Like me in my earliest stages, you are almost completely focused on your W and what she is doing. You are RE-acting instead of acting. YOU should be the one to set the tone. Be confident in who you are. Act decisively. Don't explain yourself to her all the time. Men Act, we don't explain. I myself have an over-active voice box... and sometimes I just need to stick a sock in it. Right now, you are only going to hurt yourself by engaging in MR talks with your W. As far as she is concerned, everything about you and her R with you is BAD. Nothing that happened between the two of you was ever good, happy, enjoyable, etc. Anything that was actually happy or enjoyable will be conveniently forgotten or revised in her head. I saw this time and again with my own WW. I remember one time very early on as I was walking out of the house after a brief exchange she said something suggestive like "well, if you leave now, there's no way you're getting lucky tonight." I heard it VERY clearly. Not 24 hours later she was denying having said anything at all. Events in our past that had been happy were revised by her either factually, forgotten, or else colored by her with something like "I was actually miserable the whole time" or "I always had doubts even when..." What can you do? Detach. Move on. Get out of the house and do cool, fun, amazing things. And don't tell her about it. Maybe leave hints around, but the less she knows the better, especially when you start looking happy and healthy and... awesome. Working out is a GREAT start, and it was a great foundation for me, but make sure you are finding some fun things to fill your time. The most interest I got from my WW during our long journey were in those instances where I was mysteriously off doing something on my own that she did not know about, or, better yet, when she actually thought I was walking out and leaving her. It was the latter such dynamic which finally pushed our sitch "over the edge" and, apparently, jump started what to all appearances is a legit reconciliation process. But you CAN'T count or rely on that happening. What you do has go to be for you first. If you are hoping to save your MR, and to create a better foundation for doing that by bettering yourself and by detaching from your train-wreck WW, fine, but make that a secondary consideration

2) WWs/WAWs want everything to be "fine". They want to be able to ride off into the sunset (With our without their AP, depending on WON there is one) and have everyone love them, hold them blameless, and continue to fill their bank accounts. They cannot grasp the concept that separation, divorce, and, worst of all, infidelity, mean chaos, pain, hard feelings, and broken homes. It is only when they start to grasp some of these concepts, as well as to miss their spouses and their MR, that things MIGHT start to turn. As such... don't do anything to encourage her fantasy that this is going to be easy. It is going to be hard, and she should know that.

Gotta run now but will try to chek in later.