Advice on my Scenario Pt. 6 - Becoming a Warrior

[Ginger1]

The point is, O, that if you keep making facts and statements about things you don't have control over (like their A or OM being around S), the stuff you do have control over isn't what is focused on.

I know, I lived it. We couldn't properly take care of things with D when I kept having to throw his A in his face or our daughter being around OW. He eventually just blanked me out. Didn't listen to a thing and we did not have good communication when we needed it for our D.

When I quit that stuff, he began to listen to me more and we were able to coparent our D.

I understand needing her to know how you feel about the A and about your S being around OM. But when you throw it in the middle of a conversation on how to deal with things going on with your S, the main reason why you are having that convo doesn't get heard and it turns into something about you and W, not about your S.

See what I am saying?

[OrangeK]

As I've said, I don't see anger as a completely useless emotion as long as you can channel it and use it for your advantage. J9 said how he's put his anger on a slow burn and his ex is going to regret she ever walked out. I am on a similar path.

I make sure that I do things to destress and get out the anger so that it does not bubble over. But over time, you can let it subside and get it on that slow burn.

So, come here and vent and thrash as much as you need to. But make sure you're doing something IRL that helps you get that release in a safe controlled way - lifting weights, climbing, biking whatever.

Another awesome thing - my lifting and strength training gets hella better when I am a bit angry. The motivation is through the roof and I feel so accomplished.

I know that I am going to be laughing away all the way to the bank with W left watching what she let get away. It's gonna be a priceless moment.

This is exactly my mindset.
I love hitting the heavy bag when im pissed.

"I know that I am going to be laughing away all the way to the bank with W left watching what she let get away. It's gonna be a priceless moment."

Maybe its dwelling, but i too look forward to this moment greatly. Like Sandi said, when i am with another Woman or WW has married OM or OM2,3,4,5, is when she will take notice of me again, and when that happens i can smirk and say nothing, and know my indifference is burning a hole in her mind.

[OrangeK]

The point is, O, that if you keep making facts and statements about things you don't have control over (like their A or OM being around S), the stuff you do have control over isn't what is focused on.

I know, I lived it. We couldn't properly take care of things with D when I kept having to throw his A in his face or our daughter being around OW. He eventually just blanked me out. Didn't listen to a thing and we did not have good communication when we needed it for our D.

When I quit that stuff, he began to listen to me more and we were able to coparent our D.

I understand needing her to know how you feel about the A and about your S being around OM. But when you throw it in the middle of a conversation on how to deal with things going on with your S, the main reason why you are having that convo doesn't get heard and it turns into something about you and W, not about your S.

See what I am saying?

I do, and i agree, but that being said, WW is a narcissistic wretch, so by that logic, literally ANY conversation we have will inherently be about her, because everything is about her.
But yes, i see your point.

[OrangeK]

Here's my opinion. You're being petty and letting your pride and ego get in the way. For some reason you feel like she needs to pay. You're too busy looking for a winner in this whole thing. I honestly think you're better than that. Be the bigger person in the situation. If you really want to win, show her through your actions that you really don't give a crap. As long as you are in the frame of mind that you are in right now, she is winning. Fuch her and feed her fish heads...

"For some reason you feel like she needs to pay"
Yea, i definitely do. Don't you after all the awful crap your W has done to you and your kids? Granted your W is making her own bed a very nasty one to be in, where as my WW is seemingly thriving through all of this. I cannot abide watching her just move on with no consequences at all. What she did is inhuman, deplorable, and pure evil.
Evil cant run amok unchecked. It upsets the balance.

I do give a crap. If you had to see my son in the state hes been in or heard some of the things he has said, you would too.
I can cope with my pain and loss, S3 cant. HES THREE.

Im not just going to lay down and go away. Im not chasing or antagonizing her, but i am not walking on eggshells for her either, ive always worn my heart on my sleeve and spoken my mind. That isn't going to change, how i say something, or the words i choose might, but im not the type to just bite my tongue and say nothing, and i dont see that changing.

[Ginger1]

So,

How do you plan to make her "pay"?

You have that in your power?

[OrangeK]

So,

How do you plan to make her "pay"?

You have that in your power?

"For some reason you feel like she needs to pay"

I never said I would, or planned to make her pay, just that i feel she needs to.

I have no control over what happens to her, and me trying to "make" her pay would just make me look like a crazy person.

Just because I feel something should happen doesn't mean I EVER had any machinations to MAKE them happen.

lets make sure we keep a clear dilatation between desire and intent, ideation and action.

[mtb1981]

mtb - fish heads be super yummy my friend. The flesh from the fish cheek is to die for

Maika, these fish heads are 3 days old, raw, and served in a rusty bucket...

[OrangeK]

I know my thoughts are unorthadox comapred to normal BD ideas here, and appreciate everyones paitence and support.

I want to clarify a few things.

1.) I miss what i had and thought i would have, but i do NOT miss or want the creature to which i am legally bound. The sooner i can liberate myself from the shackles of M with WW, the easier detachment and apathy will be. I know its often referred to as "just a piece of paper" but it will give me the closure i have been denied by WW. to know that when i filed, D was the last thing in the world i wanted, and now knowing all i do about her true self, my true self and my value, I cannot wait for it to just be done. I struggled for a long time letting go of her, because i wasn't letting go of the illusion she got me addicted to.
Thanks to Sandi, Vanilla, Makia, Steve, MTB, AS, IF and many others, i have been able to truly see her for who she really is, and that was a tough friggin journey. Thank you.

2.) Yea, I'm angry, and just leaving this in the dirt and walking away from it is very difficult to wrap my head around, but its getting there, little bit, day by day.
The D Hearing this Tuesday will be huge, it will either really set me back, or drive me miles ahead, and i am very confident it will be the latter. In fact i am to ensure it will be exactly that.

3.) I cant believe in 3 mos here i have gone from heartbroken, sad, and defeated, to determined, self respecting and BEGINNING the path to true healing.

I will continue to update my stich, and ask questions when needed, but my days of trying to figure her out or let her dominate my headspace are gone.
If something has me particularly vexed i will come here to ask about it, as well as check before any communication with WW.
Done are the days of me posting asking "why did she do this" or "what if she does that"
I know i cant figure it out and it wouldnt help me much even if i knew.

Goals:
Get a Life: Im at the weight i want, just need to get all the muscle groups toned. im already in better shape then ive ever been in, which feels awesome, and with this big gap in seeing WW, i know she wont recognize the person she sees on tuesday, and the best part is, other than being aware of that fact, i honestly dont care a bit what she sees when she sees me.
I have summits to climb (NH484k), rock climbing routs to crush (send 5.10 outside on lead by end of season) and dietary goals to hit.
Goal: Be cut like a damn gladiator by end of July.

Get a place: i need my own living space, my roomate has been huge in helping me recover, but i need a HOME for me and S3, one that will last more than a year. Poor guy has gotten shuffled around all over these last 3 years. he has suffered the most.

Get a new car: not as high on the list, but my 2000 Volvo has seen better days, i think a new ride will really help with feeling new and GAL'ing. this will have to wait a bit as i am currently living like a pauper.

Quit Smoking: Obvious. Waste of money and health. Any advice here would be appreciated.

THE MAIN GOAL: Give S3 the best damn life i have it in my power to provide him. Love, attention, Love, attention, some cool toys, and many many adventures. Poor guy has dealt with so much, and WW isnt doing anything to help him, He is the only thing that has drawn a tear from my eye in about a month.
I love him so much. the only good thing WW will likely ever do in her life was to bring him into the world.




In closing. Thank you all so much, i know i can be difficult, but its because i am passionate.

this website is a blessing.

[SteveLW]

OK, on smoking, when I quit I just quit buying them. Wouldn't allow myself to anymore. That resulted in me bumming them from people, but people eventually grew tired of supporting my habit and slowly my supply started to dwindle to the point where before I knew it I was smoking less and less. I was a pack a day at my height, before I knew it I was down to 1 or 2 a day. Then 1 or 2 every other day. Before I knew it I went a week without a single cigarette and at that point decided to never smoke again.

Within 3 years I couldn't stand the smell of it and to this day I will not tolerate it. I will do anything I can to get away from being around someone that is smoking.

[Ste7e]

OrangeK I quit smoking 3 years ago by doing the vaping instead I tapered down the nicotine level to its lowest point and eventually I stopped inhaling it and then just stopped.
That said 3 months ago when my BD happened I went back to a pack a day of real cigs ugh ... I am in crisis and quit drinking 10 years ago, smoking at least keeps me from drinking so its for the best. And I know that when I get back on my feet I can taper off and quit again with the vaping method.