Affair, no feelings...is there hope? IV

[44tries]

Yes, you have been working hard for a long time to get to that place. Remember, 44, she hasn't been working at all. Her direction was going the opposite way. So, like I previously said, your part and her part (work) won't look identical. Sometimes it causes frustration for the H, b/c he can't see the struggle in her heart/mind. I don't know how addicted she was to the 19 yr old boy, but I'd say it was more about the thrill of the secretive contacts, etc. She will have to resist temptation to not repeat that behavior, and she may have other guys that she labels "just friends" she is texting. All of that has to end, and she may be very resistant and accuse you of trying to control her. The "control" card will be her most go-to response.

I can be patient and not get frustrated. My struggle will be with being too nice. I agree about the control card--she hates being "restricted" as she calls it, she is stubborn and has always been that way. What is my response when she tries to play the control card?

First, prepare yourself by proper sleep, good diet, and excerises. Don't let your thoughts turn into fears by going off into the land of "what if". We can cover a few scenarios, to maybe help you feel more comfortable.

Second, once you have an idea of what to cover in the initial approach, practice in front of a mirror. Practice looking calm, confident, and in control of yourself (not trying to control her, just yourself). Practice various scenarios and how you will handle it.

Third, the day she arrives, wear something that makes you look and feel like an attractive male. I don't want you to be too obvious, like you are trying to impress her. This is for you.

Got it. I can do all of these things. I'm tempted to probably do too much "other" stuff, like make the house spotless, bathe the dogs, wash the cars (she has been mentioning this for awhile)...etc. Obviously, I will not have the house messy but how much is too much? I feel like I shouldn't wash her car...but I'm not going to just wash mine..so maybe not at all?

Since she has been behaving more nicely the past couple of days, I feel like that may be the approach you see in her. That will be nice, but don't mistake niceness as meaning anything positive. The greatest scenario would be to see her humble and remorseful.......and maybe, who knows......you'll see it. I am just a bit reluctant to believe her feathers won't get ruffled and she'll resist some things you want from her. So, even if she comes home and is nice.......just be cautious.

Noted, I think the same as you. I think she is genuinely trying to be nice--she was putting on her "first-date" level effort--but I can easily see how as soon as something rubs her the wrong way, she will lapse. Again, since this is somewhat expected, what is my response?

I would not start in on her the minute she walks in the door. Give her time to unpack, rest, drink or eat something......maybe rest, whatever. I feel she'll say something about the situation first. Which is fine. As long as she is calm and stating her views, let her have her say. Just don't let it distract or confuse what you will do. okay? She may have decided she wants a physical separation. If that's the case, then I think you'll have to agree and begin making preparations to do it. I hope she won't suggest "in-house" separation, b/c they are disastrous for a LBH. But, I'll get to this in the scenarios.

Agreed, I will give her her hour I hope she will initiate first, but maybe she will be thinking that all my "think time" means I will have something prepared, IDK. Regardless, I won't let her distract me. Once I have my game plan and have practiced, this will be fine. I would love to hear more about possible scenarios. Based on her eagerness to plan trips, etc. I'm hoping she isn't already thinking along the lines of physical separation...however, this could change when she realizes I am going to force a "one or the other" on fixing the MR or D. Or maybe NC will change her whole attitude and she will be closed, who knows.

I suggest you start with the ultimate objective, which questions, "Do we save our marriage, or do we get a divorce"?. Then tell her that, for you, there will be no in between methods.......like in-house separation. You both are all in, or all out. Before making the final decision as to whether or not you both work to save the M, you tell her what you will need in the relationship. Don't refer to it as stipulations or even requirements. These are the things you will need, to stay in the M.

This helps a lot. I can start to see the backbone of what I am aiming for. It does make me nervous about ultimatums, I thought those were supposed to be avoided? But I agree, I'm not really interested in in-between methods (or I shouldn't be, anyway...). I hope you will help me with my "what I need" list, I want it to be well edited.

Looking forward to hearing more...thank you so much again