Advice on my Scenario Pt. 6 - Becoming a Warrior

[SteveLW]

OK, brother, you are in denial about your feelings. It is hard I know. Your head says "I want respect and I don't want her anymore!" But your actions speak differently. The subconscious is a strange thing. Likely deep down you are willing to take any bone she is willing to throw you. And I get it. You never got to properly detach then the TRO got slapped on and iced you out. You have a lot of unresolved feelings and I am sure that on an hour by hour basis you aren't even really sure how you feel. But sandi and Ginger are telling you what your actions said, whether or not you intended them to say that. You'd be very wise to keenly reflect on that.

Stay strong brother, I know it is tough.

[OrangeK]

OMG.......just read about the conversation with WW. Why didn't you talk about it before contacting her? It was so obvious what was eating at you. Maybe we could have talked off you off the ledge.

I know. Stupid Stupid Stupid.

It doesn't matter. There is nothing you can do about it. And she knows you can't do anything about it.......so it make the whole conversation look useless and makes you look weak.

How is standing up for whats right for my son weakness?
I have some conflicts with the techniques ill go into in a min. Perhaps you can enlighten me as to some of the contradictions i see.

Really? Both of you were snarling and nipping around each other's ankles. So, yeah.... I completely agree with JujuB.

Agree with JuJu in what regard?
I just dont think she gave it much thought once the conversation was over.

I'll have to see it before I believe it.

I look forward to proving it

All those questions you've wanted to know about why she does this or why she said that? Even when a logical response would serve her better.......she'll lie, deny, down play, minimize, or whatever pops into her looney-tune head. Nothing about her is logical. The sooner you can stop expecting her to give truthful, logical responses.......the sooner you will stop driving yourself crazy wondering why she gave such a illogical response. Actually, there are some LBH's questions that sound pretty illogical, but I'm not saying this happens to be one.

A hard lesson that took far too long to sink in, but its landed.

Honestly, Orange, I'm not fussing at you. I am actually trying to use a little humor and get you to look at some of the questions asked, and realize nobody would be able to give you the precise answer.....but WW herself. In some cases, even the WW couldn't tell you why she said or did something. At the time she "felt" it was the thing to do......and since she operates strictly on "feelings", then that's her go-to plan. Not logic.

Its enough to drive you mad. Logic is just that. Logic. Do what logically makes sense. How can anyone go through life NOT operation based on logic??

Lastly, as i mentioned earlier, contradictions. Please take this with a grain of salt, as I still see FAR MORE value in what ive learned here than may be implied by the below message, but just to play The Devils Advocate, here goes.

Maybe its because my sitch is particularly volitlie and destructive, but some of the DB techs seem to be counter productive. By all means correct me if i am wrong.

My wife, married me, and within 4 months was WW and looking for AP, she found him, lied for almost a year, and destroyed our new lives and family.

So my go to plan to to just leave her alone, do nothing and lay down and let what happened go un-discussed, un-resolved and basically just forget about it all and move on with my life.

How does this convey any message to her other than that she won, she did what she wanted, got what she wanted and paid no consequences at all for the awful $hi77y things she did, and will continue to do?

I feel like the things ive learned here and have been applying have helped ME, which they are intended to do, but they are also intended to GAL and be the better person, and maybe win WW back.
That isn't going to happen. It isn't my goal. So why lay down and play Mr. Cool and Complacent while she marches on through life thinking she did nothing wrong and that I am the @$$h0le?

It feels like im just letting her win, and get away scott free, and that ill just play the role of the meek, defeated NC/ Greystone when this is all said and done?

that doesnt sit well with me.
If R was the end goal for me, this would make sense.
But she is a parasitic destructive force of nature, diplomacy isn't going to do jack cr@p with her, so why bother?

[Ginger1]

Why do you want to know why she won't admit to the affair?

She's trying to make herself feel less guilty, that's all. She will tell herself what she needs to tell herself to do what she is doing. Nothing you say is going to change that.

You want to know WHY she is doing, saying, thanking. But WHy do you want to know why?

FYI, my ex never admitted he was wrong. It's been 10 years. I tried to get him to say it a million and one different ways. He won't.

But I realize I know the truth. I don't give a dam if he wants to lie to himself.

[mtb1981]

So why lay down and play Mr. Cool and Complacent while she marches on through life thinking she did nothing wrong and that I am the @$$h0le?

It feels like im just letting her win, and get away scott free, and that ill just play the role of the meek, defeated NC/ Greystone when this is all said and done?

that doesnt sit well with me.
If R was the end goal for me, this would make sense.
But she is a parasitic destructive force of nature, diplomacy isn't going to do jack cr@p with her, so why bother?

Here's my opinion. You're being petty and letting your pride and ego get in the way. For some reason you feel like she needs to pay. You're too busy looking for a winner in this whole thing. I honestly think you're better than that. Be the bigger person in the situation. If you really want to win, show her through your actions that you really don't give a crap. As long as you are in the frame of mind that you are in right now, she is winning. Fuch her and feed her fish heads...

[mtb1981]

And think of it this way, you aren't playing Mr. Cool and Complacent... you are Mr. Cool and Complacent. She can think whatever she wants, but you know the truth and that's all that matters...

[OrangeK]

Steve, please understand my answers below may come off as curt in text form. I very much value and respect your input, even though we dont always see eye to eye. So please, keep it coming.

Your head says "I want respect and I don't want her anymore!" But your actions speak differently.

I respectfully disagree How so? please cite examples

Likely deep down you are willing to take any bone she is willing to throw you.

No, I'm not. Plain and simple. The woman is an evil predator. Just because I have a need to try to UNDERSTAND what happened as best I can doesn't mean I'm subconsciously still pining for her and heartbroken over the loss. Im heartbroken i was so deceived, and hurt. Im glad to be rid of her at this point. She is a frikkin TUMOR Steve.

And I get it. You never got to properly detach then the TRO got slapped on and iced you out. You have a lot of unresolved feelings

This is true. I know what those unresolved feelings are. Injustice, Anger, Disgust and Contempt.

and I am sure that on an hour by hour basis you aren't even really sure how you feel.

I know exactly how I feel. See above.

But sandi and Ginger are telling you what your actions said, whether or not you intended them to say that. You'd be very wise to keenly reflect on that.

I feel like Sandi and Ginger told me what WW HEARD through my actions, not so much what I SAID with them.

I disagree that standing up for my son and his exposure to OM was wrong. Sandi called that weakness. i dont agree with that. Not fighting for my sons best interests is weakness.
I realize i cannot control what WW and OM do, but i have EVERY RIGHT to tell her that its wrong and damaging to S3.
You all can call that weakness, i call it conviction.

She knows I know about OM, i dont see any point in tip-toeing around that topic just to spare her feelings. If i bring up OM and she gets angry about it, good. She deserves to be angry about it. She knows she is a wretched harlot, and if hearing about OM from me makes that bubble to the forefront of her damaged grey matter, good, she deserves it.

You think i care what BS lies she tells OM and her flock of cronies about me? Please, give me a break, their opinions mean less than a rodent fart to me.
If she shows them a text about me telling her she is a crappy mom for the exposure to OM, and they agree with HER, they are just as damaged and wrong as she is. F*** em'

"wolves dont lose sleep over the opinion of the sheep"

Stay strong brother, I know it is tough.

thanks Steve, I feel angry but strong and committed. thanks for keeping up with me.

[Maika]

Sandi is in your corner and so is Vanilla, and they are far better at addressing your DBing questions and conundrums than me.

She only wins if she can play orchestra with your emotions and keep you going up and down and all around. Being composed, respectful, with asserting your boundaries is opposite of meek - it shows true grace and calm strength. When I saw the effect of being that way, it blew my mind. There is nothing more unnerving when the WW sees the LBS having their $hit together. It's powerful stuff - takes great courage and strength.

mtb - fish heads be super yummy my friend. The flesh from the fish cheek is to die for

[OrangeK]

Sandi is in your corner and so is Vanilla, and they are far better at addressing your DBing questions and conundrums than me.

I dont disagree, they have both meen MONUMENTAL in my recovery and detachment.

She only wins if she can play orchestra with your emotions and keep you going up and down and all around. Being composed, respectful, with asserting your boundaries is opposite of meek - it shows true grace and calm strength. When I saw the effect of being that way, it blew my mind. There is nothing more unnerving when the WW sees the LBS having their $hit together. It's powerful stuff - takes great courage and strength.

I plan on having my $hi7 together, working on it as we speak. Im not going on the warpath or anything, im leaving things alone as i have been advised, and only responding when necessary. However I can stil feel my anger, and express it here. I look forward to seeing her flummoxed by my cool, collected, not giving a crap attitude. Here, privately, i shall burn the inferno however.

[SteveLW]

Steve, please understand my answers below may come off as curt in text form. I very much value and respect your input, even though we dont always see eye to eye. So please, keep it coming.

Your head says "I want respect and I don't want her anymore!" But your actions speak differently.

I respectfully disagree How so? please cite examples

Likely deep down you are willing to take any bone she is willing to throw you.

No, I'm not. Plain and simple. The woman is an evil predator. Just because I have a need to try to UNDERSTAND what happened as best I can doesn't mean I'm subconsciously still pining for her and heartbroken over the loss. Im heartbroken i was so deceived, and hurt. Im glad to be rid of her at this point. She is a frikkin TUMOR Steve.

And I get it. You never got to properly detach then the TRO got slapped on and iced you out. You have a lot of unresolved feelings

This is true. I know what those unresolved feelings are. Injustice, Anger, Disgust and Contempt.

and I am sure that on an hour by hour basis you aren't even really sure how you feel.

I know exactly how I feel. See above.

But sandi and Ginger are telling you what your actions said, whether or not you intended them to say that. You'd be very wise to keenly reflect on that.

I feel like Sandi and Ginger told me what WW HEARD through my actions, not so much what I SAID with them.

I disagree that standing up for my son and his exposure to OM was wrong. Sandi called that weakness. i dont agree with that. Not fighting for my sons best interests is weakness.
I realize i cannot control what WW and OM do, but i have EVERY RIGHT to tell her that its wrong and damaging to S3.
You all can call that weakness, i call it conviction.

She knows I know about OM, i dont see any point in tip-toeing around that topic just to spare her feelings. If i bring up OM and she gets angry about it, good. She deserves to be angry about it. She knows she is a wretched harlot, and if hearing about OM from me makes that bubble to the forefront of her damaged grey matter, good, she deserves it.

You think i care what BS lies she tells OM and her flock of cronies about me? Please, give me a break, their opinions mean less than a rodent fart to me.
If she shows them a text about me telling her she is a crappy mom for the exposure to OM, and they agree with HER, they are just as damaged and wrong as she is. F*** em'

"wolves dont lose sleep over the opinion of the sheep"

Stay strong brother, I know it is tough.

thanks Steve, I feel angry but strong and committed. thanks for keeping up with me.

I will repeat something I said earlier (maybe to another poster so forgive me if I didn't):

Hate is very close to love. You will not be truly over her until you feel apathetic about her.

It will eventually come, in time. Peace brother.

[Maika]

As I've said, I don't see anger as a completely useless emotion as long as you can channel it and use it for your advantage. J9 said how he's put his anger on a slow burn and his ex is going to regret she ever walked out. I am on a similar path.

I make sure that I do things to destress and get out the anger so that it does not bubble over. But over time, you can let it subside and get it on that slow burn.

So, come here and vent and thrash as much as you need to. But make sure you're doing something IRL that helps you get that release in a safe controlled way - lifting weights, climbing, biking whatever.

Another awesome thing - my lifting and strength training gets hella better when I am a bit angry. The motivation is through the roof and I feel so accomplished.

I know that I am going to be laughing away all the way to the bank with W left watching what she let get away. It's gonna be a priceless moment.