Affair, no feelings...is there hope? IV

[sandi2]

I agree. I am ready. But, I am the one who has been putting in so much work and time already to get to that place. So, I think the biggest question will be whether she is anywhere near ready to handle doing the hardest thing she has ever done.

Yes, you have been working hard for a long time to get to that place. Remember, 44, she hasn't been working at all. Her direction was going the opposite way. So, like I previously said, your part and her part (work) won't look identical. Sometimes it causes frustration for the H, b/c he can't see the struggle in her heart/mind. I don't know how addicted she was to the 19 yr old boy, but I'd say it was more about the thrill of the secretive contacts, etc. She will have to resist temptation to not repeat that behavior, and she may have other guys that she labels "just friends" she is texting. All of that has to end, and she may be very resistant and accuse you of trying to control her. The "control" card will be her most go-to response.

I'm going to attempt to break down some type of steps to consider in approaching her. I had bookmarked tons of old posts I had written over the past couple of years, but they were on another computer and I think they've been lost. I just thought it would be faster to copy and paste. However, I do need to try my best to focus on the first things for you to address with her, and try to keep out so much extra "explaining" (me, not you......well, maybe you, too ).

First, prepare yourself by proper sleep, good diet, and excerises. Don't let your thoughts turn into fears by going off into the land of "what if". We can cover a few scenarios, to maybe help you feel more comfortable.

Second, once you have an idea of what to cover in the initial approach, practice in front of a mirror. Practice looking calm, confident, and in control of yourself (not trying to control her, just yourself). Practice various scenarios and how you will handle it.

Third, the day she arrives, wear something that makes you look and feel like an attractive male. I don't want you to be too obvious, like you are trying to impress her. This is for you.

Since she has been behaving more nicely the past couple of days, I feel like that may be the approach you see in her. That will be nice, but don't mistake niceness as meaning anything positive. The greatest scenario would be to see her humble and remorseful.......and maybe, who knows......you'll see it. I am just a bit reluctant to believe her feathers won't get ruffled and she'll resist some things you want from her. So, even if she comes home and is nice.......just be cautious.

I would not start in on her the minute she walks in the door. Give her time to unpack, rest, drink or eat something......maybe rest, whatever. I feel she'll say something about the situation first. Which is fine. As long as she is calm and stating her views, let her have her say. Just don't let it distract or confuse what you will do. okay? She may have decided she wants a physical separation. If that's the case, then I think you'll have to agree and begin making preparations to do it. I hope she won't suggest "in-house" separation, b/c they are disastrous for a LBH. But, I'll get to this in the scenarios.

I suggest you start with the ultimate objective, which questions, "Do we save our marriage, or do we get a divorce"?. Then tell her that, for you, there will be no in between methods.......like in-house separation. You both are all in, or all out. Before making the final decision as to whether or not you both work to save the M, you tell her what you will need in the relationship. Don't refer to it as stipulations or even requirements. These are the things you will need, to stay in the M.



I have to leave for a little while, and then I will return with more.