Afraid of the dark

[Ste7e]

Day #9 cont.
Man oh man what I wouldn't give to had a completely good day.
Whatever steam I had rolling this morning petered out around midday. It seems to be about the same time each day I just get overwhelmed with grief.
I went for drive and was just absolutely fighting the urge to contact W. I kept thinking about how since W left for the most part over the last 3 months I have had very little contact except for the week the cat got sick and died. And I feel that the more time we spent together the better things got whereas the more I was away the more she moved and pulled away. I guess I am just so confused on what I am doing, and fearful that I might be doing the wrong thing with NC. But at the same time I am using the NC as a buffer to both try and get myself together and also avoid contact which will be about pushing through the D. Last time we talked W wanted that to happen by the end of the month.

I really broke down tonight cleaning out my old clothes there was a tshirt I bought with W several years ago which I wore alot and thought I should donate it with a bunch of other old clothes which would remind W of OR. But I just couldn't do it and the wave of grief hit me so hard.