Affair, no feelings...is there hope? IV

[sandi2]

I don't really know how to approach our conversation when she returns...I want to be in control, but I'm supposed to be waiting for her to explicitly ask for my forgiveness and ask if I will take her back right? Before I can give any stipulations?

No, but we will get to all of that. I will try to get it written down in a better organization, than my usual rambling. I also want to touch on boundaries, so don't let me forget about it.

It's so funny (to me) what you said about Another Stander sounding so harsh compared to my posts. He'll probably agree that ithat s quite a switcheroo. I always thought he was too nice with his own WW, and too soft/nice in his posts to newbies...... but that was pre-divorce. However, post-divorce, he has toughened up, in my book. ( LOL) But he really is a very caring, very patient, good guy. (I almost said, nice guy). I just get tickled, b/c I think this is twice someone switched our roles and made him the ole tough-guy, instead of me. (I love it).

I think I understood what you meant. You were essentially saying that even if all her feelings aren't in the right place yet, the important thing is that she is willing to do the right thing and whatever it takes to try to get there, right?

Yes, exactly! I would not tell posters how long it took me to get to that point I was ready to put forth the energy and effort into my M again.......b/c I didn't want them to be too discouraged. But finally, I saw so many newbies in despair b/c they were not seeing I'm ediately turn around in their WW.

The wayward mindset does not just evaporate, like washing away dirt or something. If she doesn't have an authentic experience of remorse, then her heart will not likely have the same softness or humility and compassion that remorse helps to usher in. With or without remorse, it takes consistent work and time. You see, having remorse is needed, but it doesn't cure everything that's wrong with her.

Let me warn you. Your work and her work are not going to look the same to one another. In other words, she may not think you are doing any work at all, and feel it's all on her to do the heavy lifting. You may wonder if there's any progress in her heart, if you can't see outward evidence. So beware of more resentment if that happens. It will be discouraging when she displays one of her old, unattractive habits. When she does (and know, it will happen sooner or later) your job is to call her out on it right then, and don't let it ride. I think I've said this previously, but it is important enough to say twice. It is going to be the hardest thing either of you have ever done.

here is where I hope I can be more encouraging than my own personal story sounded. I was a lot older than yand W, and I had physical problems that robbed me of energy and gave me much pain every day. Due the physical issues, I also suffered with depression, so after I ended my affair, the withdrawals could have been worse than some others experience, but IDK. I probably suffered longer in a depressed state b/c of the various doctors I was seeing and how they were yanking me around with this AD, then taking me off cold turkey and then another doctor putting my back on a new AD......it's a wonder I was able to pull out of it all all. So, I feel all of that affected my "recovery" time. I refuse to blame it all on those factors, b/c i refuse to make it easy by giving myself any excuses.

If I had been a young and healthy as your W, I can't help but believe I would have had more physical energy, which causes more a more natural desire to become involved and interested. A few years later, I went to see a hormone balancing specialist and was told he didn't know how I crawled out of bed every morning. He said, "Sandi, you are a trainwreck". He said my sex hormones were registering zero. I had never heard of such! But he wasn't laughing when he said it. Well, guess what? They make stuff to fix that little problem! I just wished it could have fixed some of the other problems as well. Oh, and the depression did improve.....although I still have to take AD's and pain medication.

I have always believed if my doctors had not been yanking me off and on those meds, that it would not have taken me so long to start responding. So, I hope you'll find encouragement in knowing you W is strong and healthy. That goes a long way when having to deal with mental/emotional issues in the MR.

I don't know how many hours ahead of the USA you may be, but I want to try and cover what we can, and have you ask about any concerns you still have. I want you to feel confident that you have got this. And don't worry about getting in control or saying certain things before she has a chance to get the drop on you, b/c you'll get to have your say. I don't want you wound so right you are jumping out of your skin by the time you lay eyes on each other.

There is a link on Cadet's page (his first post to your first thread) that talk about boundaries. How to state them, examples, etc. I plan to get into them more tomorrow. I will also try to have a more organize flow of thoughts, rather than my usual rambling. Until then, I hope you'll read that link on boundaries. You might want want to google boundaries for couples. I hope to explain the difference in having boundaries and giving ultimatums. We can work on just a few boundaries you'll want to establish.

People coming back from this place you find yourself, often have the misconception they are both working to make one another happier, or be more romantic, or go on more trips, or some such stuff..........but they fail to do the inner work on themselves.......which will probably be different from each other. However, each of you must have a change in your own mindsets. You will need to refresh your mind almost daily on no more mr. nice guy. And, you need to set goals that will keep you on track, and not slip back into your beta behavior. There are forums and articles and books, etc. that help men learn how to be no more mr. nice guy and how to be the alpha, dominant male in their MR, and not fall into the trap of trying to appease the W to keep her off his case so that his life would be more tolerable.

I am tired and need to call it a night. I am going to the beauty parlor tomorrow and telling them to give me the works! (lol). But I'll save time to post to you, okay?

Oh, and about your gut feeling. Try not to worry about things like that. You say your gut says she is being honest. Okay, but you still aren't going to talk to her till she get back to the house. So, stay calm. If she is authentic, it will proves out soon enough. I just think you need to be prepared for different scenarios. We can get into it more tomorrow.