"This is bothersome to me because if you have been reading my stich, the woman I married would cry at Disney movies."
One of the things sandi told me early on that really opened my eyes is something I will repeat to you right now: She is no longer the woman you married.
LW, it is tough, I know, but you have to realize that simple fact. Maybe she is depressed like Cadet suggests. Maybe she just is tired of putting other's needs above her own. Maybe she has had her conscience seared with a hot iron (Biblical reference). Who knows. But if you try to deal with her like she was still the woman you married you will be in for a lot of frustration and confusion.
Also, maybe she has just given up on life. You see people like that all the time out and about. They wear sweatpants to the grocery store. They look like they haven't showered in days or even weeks. She is 50 now and maybe she feels like her life is over.
I saw my wife struggle with turning 50. Also, following BD she was not the woman I married. Even now, though she has come a long way since mid-Feb, she still is not the same as she used to be. I recently said to her, "wow, you are so much more blunt than you used to be!" (This was after she said something about someone else, not directed at me.) Her answer: "I find I don't have much life left to waste time beating around the bush."
I just posted in another thread how milestone ages (30,40,50) really can affect women. I don't see it as much in men (yes I know men have MLCs but not necessarily tied to a specific age). I say all of this because sometimes we are pretty hard on our WAWs/WWs. But they may be going through feelings they don't understand either. I know you are a man of faith. Remember our command as husbands is to love our Ws like Christ loves the church. So continue to love her no matter what. That doesn't mean you have to accept everything she does, but you should always be there to help her if she needs it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Just to piggyback on that comment. The milestone age thing is so true. My wife began to struggle the moment she hit 30 - that was the onset of her MLC (we even joked about it before it turned serious) that led to her checking out and giving me the BD.
Why is it that women are more affected by those arbitrary numbers?
It does sound like your wife is depressed. Letting go, and letting her heal herself is so hard, but necessary. Take care of yourself and your son. Hang in there!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
I just posted in another thread how milestone ages (30,40,50) really can affect women.
My W turned 30 at the end of October, and I got the BD at the beginning of January. I truly believe a lot of it has to do with this. It's strange...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
s85 thanks for your interest in my thread Vanilla -your responses are so helpful coming from a womans perspective.
Well yesterday night was ok. I coach S baseball team so we ate dinner and headed out to the game. One of the things since BD that has happened is that I have lost my ability to laugh. It is like my sense of humor disappeared. Situation - I am coaching at 1st base. S is a good ball player and one of the fastest on the team. S hits the ball solidly into right center to the fence- while admiring it from the plate. He takes off late rounds 1st and then returns to 1st. I jokingly say, " It is a good thing you got those season tickets right close to home plate cuz it alllows you to see all the hits real good! Nest time when you hit the ball get on your horse cuz u should be at third!" I looked over at the 1st base ump and he is killing himself laughing.
So we won the game and head home. We get into the door and are greeted by my awesum dog. W is watching Tv and turns around to say" the school lest a message on our machine about the senior band concert this Wed at the main theatre- did you get tickets?" S plays the sax.
S heads upstairs to take his shower, while i head downstairs to put away the ball equipment. After his shower S comes down and asks me did you hear what W was asking? I responded by saying" you need to take ownership be honest and let her know how you feel. I will go with you to support you.
So we upstairs, w is still watching. I get her attention by saying S wants to speak to her. She turns around , lowers the volume and says OK. S says " I have a concert but I don't want you to go because you hurt me. I would like it if you respect my wishes. W says emotionless,- I would have liked to go but if that is what you want then I will not attend. With out blinking an eye lash. No feelings of hurt , remorse guilt or even a feeling of significant loss with the possibility of losing my S. The more I think of it - the more I see that my W is more and more unattractive to me. Is this a stage or is this from detaching?
Now this afternoon I came back from the gym -W looks more like she wants to talk more now that I have pulled back. I had plans to meet up with a friend from the gym for coffee. My wife asks if I could talk - I said -i can't I'm busy maybe later. She then starts to tell me her plans for the day how she is going to the storage locker and doing stuff and then coming home for dinner.after BD she would never tell me where she was going. why now? I trying to stay positive said I gotta get some info before I leave - let me check this out real quick. So I upped and left and so my friend calls while I'm a walking off and in a real positive tone we speak.I tried to act like I was moving on (GAL). She stood there for a sec and walked away. Not much more for me to do. If there is please let me know
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
S85 -so wise... Ephesians 5:25- For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her. Genesis 2:24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. He who loves his wife loves himself.
Simply put- be humble and be mindful of each others needs.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Cadet- Steve85-Davide-MTB -Vanilla thanks for your support and interest in my thread. Your information is appreciated.
W just said she got the key to her apartment and is going over to clean it up and stay there the night. She said she will be popping back to pick up the rest of her stuff periodically. I know I have to set some boundaries but legally her name is still on title so she has a right to the matrimonial home. Please give me insight on how this can be properly handled. Thanks
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
LoneWlf - Ideally you would jointly list what she can remove. This isn't an ideal world.
My ex told me in advance what she was going to take. A spare kitchen table, a couple of chairs. I came home to a house that was largely gutted of much of the furniture, pretty much all the antiques and collectibles, the better pieces of artwork, most of the food from the refrigerator and yes, the blanket off my bed that she hadn't slept in for several months.
I danced naked in the living room that night because I didn't need to worry about tripping over any furniture. Then I closed the curtains
After being gone for about 8 months and after I told her that I was done waiting for her she made another few "shopping trips" through the house picking up stuff that I had packed for her (we had sooo much "stuff") and also helping herself to other things.
After we had our separation agreement done, I agreed that she could take one final trip through the house with S23 (who had moved home with me) as a guide. S23 was given the instructions that if we weren't using it, I didn't care. I had surveillance video set up and it captured her taking souvenirs from the office. She obliged S23 to sign a list where it listed some stuff that she took, but not what was shown on camera.
Sigh. How she ever managed to fit it all in her apartment I have no idea as I'm pretty sure that she hasn't moved in with OM much less started storing her crap there.
A key thing presuming that you are headed towards divorce - which I know is not your wish - is that whatever she takes from the matrimonial home that was not a gift counts against "her side" so documenting is fairly important. Ideally if she takes "valuable" things that you don't care about then that's a good thing.
I would suggest go around the house with a camera / your phone and take pictures of everything you can think of. Include serial numbers. If in doubt, just open a drawer and take a picture of it.
Personally I was glad that I wasn't here when my ex emptied the house. It would have been extremely painful and it's just "stuff". When she texted me later essentially asking if I was OK with what she took I didn't answer directly but replied that there was only one thing she'd removed from the house that I regretted and that was herself.
Some people recommend having a trusted friend there to supervise. One who could be unbiased but also one that she would accept. Could you perhaps have one of the people from your faith community do that duty?
She's going to take more "stuff" than you expect. You'll want to limit future access - how can you tell if it was her or that you'd been robbed? So set specific times when she can have supervised access to the matrimonial home. Yes, it is the matrimonial home but it is joint property and neither of you can make unilateral decisions on it - legally speaking that is. Theoretically it could be argued that she cannot remove any matrimonial property until a binding separation agreement is set. That would go over like a lead balloon I'm sure.
And yeah - it's just stuff.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Andrew P -I would like to meet up with you if our ever in Mississauga again. I have alot to learn from you.
Today turned out pretty good woke up early said my prayers and devotionals. Dropped S to school and went to the gym. Got home and did some online job hunting I have 2 interviews this week. ! next week
W came in the afternoon and started to pack. I needed a break so I took out my awesum dog for an hour long walk. What a beautiful day. Kept interactions with W to a minimal. The whole time I was in good spirits- had a little glide in my stride.
I had a bite to eat and got ready for my S senior band concert at the main theater. Put on some music like I use to and got ready. I put on some new clothes i picked up over the weekend. Gotta say After loosing over 50 lbs from the gym now having 17 inch biceps. I can easily say"nailed it!". i still have a ways to go but I am on the right path.I did not care what W was doing just in an overall good mood to go see my S play sax tonight. Last year he had a couple solo parts this year none. For those that don't know My S asked my W not to go because he feels hurt by her wanting to break up the family. My intent for being in a good mood is by no means is rubbing this in her face.
W will stay here to finish packing because she is moving out tomorrow. Now I feel that may be difficult experience. Wish me luck> Thanks for all your support and feedback.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
