Affair, no feelings...is there hope? IV

[sandi2]

So how have you made since the last time you posted? NC, I hope.

As I said yesterday, I think we all are on the same page. I may adding too much, trying to prepare you. I don't want you getting confused again, okay? However, if you don't understand how or when something is to take place, just ask. If I know, I'll speak up.

This is really good insight.. and also crushing for me. It kills me to think I made my W feel that way. And I can definitely see why it would cause such vulnerability to cheating.

Don't take responsibility or blame for her decision to cheat. Don't make statements to her like the one quoted above. I understand what you mean, but she won't be mentally/emotionally in a place to hear it, without taking full advantage of you. Many LBH's say something along those lines, thinking they are meeting the WW half way. No, he can't says things that sound as if he is taking responsibility for any of her bad behavior. Those were her free choices to make. Waywardness is not forced on another person. It begins with a negative mental attitude toward the spouse. It's like a lazer beam that is directed solely at him. She blames everything wrong in her life on him. The disrespectful actions begin to reflect what is in the heart, and finally rebellion acts out. Currently, she will want you to take blame for everything that went wrong in the MR.....including her A. It will be a big mistake if you agree. If there was ever a time you stand up for yourself, it is now. Do not give in or back down, thinking it will work out. It's only enabling her wayward mindset.

Keep in mind the part you played......which was the passive, pick your battles, keep the W happy, yes dear, beta male characteristics. The more a man acts like another female, the less sexual attraction his W will feel for him. That's why I get all up in the air when men start talking about losing their best friend (their wife). She has other women who can be her best friends. The H should not be her BFF. His position (and her position) are uniquely established and designed by God to be loyal, intimate, sexual mates for a lifetime. They are more than partners. They are more than friends. They are lovers who are bonded together as one body. They have responsibilities in maintaining a loving and caring life together.....and to put it above all others. It takes a lot of effort to keep the flirtiness, playfulness, and sexiness in a lifelong MR. It takes a lot of effort to keep interested in what each other is doing, and to find a common activity you both really love doing together. It gets to be harder to find time to just be alone together and really pay attention to each other's emotional needs. If it stops, it won't be long until their daily lives and the sex becomes routine and dull.......and sex will probably taper off. They become more like roommates and learn to just "settle". Then if one spouse decides they can't live that way any longer and leaves......the left behind spouse will say s/he lost their best friend. What? Best friend! S/he needs to go back and review what a MR is suppose to be. Acting like a best friend, instead of a lover, is what got them into the mess in the first place. Calling your spouse your best friend is a demotion, IMHO. There is only one person who can qualify as your spouse.....and you're going to demote him/her to a friend's position? Anyway.....I'm getting away from my subject.

The most important thing needed is her willingness to do the necessary work. If she cooperates, then these other things will come........if her heart is right. As long as her heart is resentful and selfish......then those feelings won't come b/c you just can't have a loving, happy MR with resentment, selfishness, and disrespect in the heart.

And how will I know if she gains this willingness? She will say so?

It would be wonderful if she spoke up and said she was willing to do whatever work was necessary to save the MR. If you were to tell her how she had to stop bossing you around, expecting you to cater to her, stop interrogating you, drop the self entitlement, start showing you respect as her H and as a man.........she might she'll try or she's willing....IDK. Somehow, I don't think she's going to make it that easy. Even if she agrees to do whatever you may list as stipulations to reconciling......for her to actually "do it", is another matter. Lip service isn't worth a pinch of salt if there is no action to follow.

I kind of regret saying that willingness was more important than remorse and commitment, b/c I think it confused you. Maybe it confused someone reading it, I hope not. Anyway, let me try to explain better. When I was a WW and had joined the board looking for someone to help me decide what to do, I finally made the decision to "do the right thing" and end my affair and stay in my M. I was not remorseful. In all the things different ones said to me, trying to get me to end the A and give my M another chance, there was one question I was asked that stood above all the others. "Sandi, for now, can you just make the choice to do the right thing"? In other words, they weren't telling me what they thought the right thing was. They weren't telling me how I should feel about anything. They said to do what I believed was the "right" thing to do. Well, that had hit me hard, b/c basically, that is who I am. I am a "Thou shalt, and Thou shalt not" type of person. (I realize how that sounds, considering I was in an A at the time). I knew I had to get back to that person again. But at that moment, I was so emotionally low and so tired that it was so difficult to find enough willingness in me to just get to the first level of willingness. That's pretty low! I strictly made my decision based on it being the morally & spiritually right thing to do. And let me tell you, I felt as if I had just sacrificed my life. I had no hope, no positive feelings, and certainly no excitement! I was so depressed in the following days that my adult D called a friend who was a RN, and was told to take me to the doctor immediately.

The first thing I did was end the A. The feelings of remorse did not come for almost two years. It's a long story and I won't take the time to explain why it took that long. I'll just say that my H should have required much, much more from me than I gave those first two years. However, he sat back and let me do pretty much whatever I wanted.......as long as he knew I wasn't contacting the other man. I was transparent (not that he asked, b/c he wasn't the one here getting the tools), and I learned that much from the board. delve ally worked on showing outward respect to him. Eventually, I began to feel the respect I was showing. I worked on my heart.......which is why it probably took nearly two years. Just b/c I had made the decision to stay in the M did not mean all my waywardness went out the window! No sir! Plus, with waywardness, there is a lot of stubborn pride. Some people call it false pride. It's bad. It's what keeps a person from apologizing to the one they've hurt. And if you already blamed your H for you having an affair in the first place.......you aren't going to be very quick to offer a sincere apology. So, anyway, I was coming home from work every day and hitting the DB board. I would stay here until I couldn't keep my eyes open and then hit the bed. Get up and do it all over the next day. It was hard, b/c there's not a lot of advice on the board for waywards. Oh yeah, a lot of H's want to tell a WW the same stuff he wishes his W would do.....but they didn't have a clue as to the mindset of a wayward. So, we learned together. Since my H wouldn't talk, I learned more how he probably felt by listening to the LBH's on the board. That had a lot to do with softening my heart. I also had some terrific mentors, and at that time, we could contact each other privately. So it helped a lot.

Sorry.....I didn't mean to get off into all of that ^^^^^^^^!

Anyway, I never want to imply that remorse is not important. If it doesn't happen, I am not sure if the WW ever has much compassion for her hurt H. I mean, I just don't know. What's to prevent her ongoing justifications and blaming him for her actions, rather than taking full responsibility? You see, I think there is a difference in regretting something you did......from being deeply sorry for doing it. When you are so sorry that you hurt your spouse in such a shameful & disgraceful manner that your heart feels as if it's breaking......that describes remorse, IMHO. There is no sense of self-entitlement, whatsoever. There is no haughty attitude. There is no anger, resentment, or bitterness. There is no pointing a finger at him and accusing or blaming. There is no scorekeeping. There is no thoughts of how she felt then or feels now. There is only concern for the betrayed and terribly hurt spouse. The cold, hard heart has finally softened. The remorseful WW doesn't have arrogant expectations! She doesn't lay down the rules for what she needs from her H! At least, not at that point in time. If truly remorseful, she only prays that someday he can forgive her. Hopefully, these feelings will lead to full repentance (which means turning away from what you were doing). IMHO, it's that remorse and repentance that really humbles the heart and makes it possible for the WW to start replacing those negative emotions for positive thoughts and feelings for her H and their MR. It is like growth. It doesn't happen all at one time. You see, a lot of LBH's don't realize that the WW has a tremdous amount of heart surgery that must be done, and then she has to go through the rehabilitation....so to speak. She has to get her heart & attitude right, and then follow through with the right actions.

Since only God can see the heart of man, we only have the outward signs to observe. So, here is what you look for if she is genuine about wanting to save the MR. Her attitude, words and actions are paralleled. They match. She isn't showing a bad attitude. She isn't saying one thing but acting quite another way. They all match.

Sorry for writing a book. No telling what all has been posted while I was rattling.