Thanks for the response. Maybe had a bit of progress this morning. WAS actually called her folks to tell on me for taking a vehicle without asking. She says it's not that I took it but that I didn't tell her. Well, last time I asked she said no. Now that I have balls again I just took it. It's our car. But she says she had stuff in there she needed. Apparently that is sunglasses and lipstick.
I think her talking to her folks in any capacity is a good thing. We went from seeing them 1-3 days a week to 0. She asked her mom to meet her to get her wallet back last week instead of just goin to get it.
She questioned me on where I was going and with who, didn't believe I was going by myself, and questoned where I was last night. GAL, that's where.
She thinks I'm ignoring her bc I don't respond quicky to her texts and don't answer every call. She asked if I was ready to sign papers and I think it surprised her when I said my position has not changed.
My MIL was mad, said I was playing a game by not telling WAW I'd be taking the vehicle, but she only knows part of the story and said that I have to take WAW's crap bc I was an ass (she's referring to my verbal abuse). I responded that I'm tired of feeling disrespected.
Anyways probably need to limit my contact there. My therapist said to talk to them for my sanity and help for me, but leave out ugly details. Basically don't run and tell.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Hey everybody just trying to get a little advice. I am thinking about making a firm stand on going back into our marital bed. I'd like to work on getting some respect back from WAW. I feel like I haven't mentioned or addressed directly the OM, and that it needs some effort. Direct or indirect. Our house is our house, and if she wants to choose to live differently than that's up to her. I'd like to go back to my normal life, so I think I'm going to try to start living that again aside from no Pursuit and getting a life. Inevitably, she is going to try to kick me out of the bedroom.
What I plan to do is to validate her feelings over and over. I will not argue or lose my temper. If she asked me how I feel about it then I believe I'll tell her what you doing is not acceptable and it is hurtful and leave it at that. I do believe that I truly need to work towards getting some respect for myself in this R.
If she brings up D again, I am going to mention then I'll speak to my lawyer about it. Up until this point she has had that thought, as someone pointed out, that I would not get a lawyer and we will figure out the D on our own. She expected to go easily and quickly.
Also if anyone wants to go back and read my previous post I'd still be open to advice on that. Thank you in advance.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
1) Stop looking for progress from her. You are too HER focused. You need to focus on you. If the car is in both of your names you can take it anytime you want. Period, end of story.
2) Stop engaging other people in R discussions. If you shouldn't be engaging in R talks with your wife then you certainly shouldn't be engaging in one with her mom! No good can come of it. You can't control what she does, but if she tries to put you on the phone and/or put it on speaker, just say "I refuse to discuss matters that should be private between my wife and I with others." And walk away. Your MiL might get ticked, but she will respect you.
3) Continue to be vague what where you go and what you do. She is showing interest because her curiosity is piqued. That is a good thing if your goal is R. However, don't read too much into it and just keep it up.
4) Very good response with "She asked if I was ready to sign papers and I think it surprised her when I said my position has not changed." If you are opposed to the D then do nothing to help it along save anything that the court orders or that you are legally obligated for. Make her do all the work.
5) Her calling her parents to tell on you is not a good thing. Not necessarily a bad thing either. Obviously they will always be on her side, she is their daughter. So don't read too much into anything she or they say or do.
6) In the future just tell her you are taking the car. Loving detachment, and not wanting to be passive-aggressive demands it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks for the response. Maybe had a bit of progress this morning. WAS actually called her folks to tell on me for taking a vehicle without asking. She says it's not that I took it but that I didn't tell her. Well, last time I asked she said no. Now that I have balls again I just took it. It's our car. But she says she had stuff in there she needed. Apparently that is sunglasses and lipstick.
I think her talking to her folks in any capacity is a good thing. We went from seeing them 1-3 days a week to 0. She asked her mom to meet her to get her wallet back last week instead of just goin to get it.
She questioned me on where I was going and with who, didn't believe I was going by myself, and questoned where I was last night. GAL, that's where.
She thinks I'm ignoring her bc I don't respond quicky to her texts and don't answer every call. She asked if I was ready to sign papers and I think it surprised her when I said my position has not changed.
My MIL was mad, said I was playing a game by not telling WAW I'd be taking the vehicle, but she only knows part of the story and said that I have to take WAW's crap bc I was an ass (she's referring to my verbal abuse). I responded that I'm tired of feeling disrespected.
Anyways probably need to limit my contact there. My therapist said to talk to them for my sanity and help for me, but leave out ugly details. Basically don't run and tell.
Note, my previous post was responding to this post.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks Steve, I appreciate your thoughts. I am done with the passive agGres I've crap, and wanting to regain some respect. That's why I'm planning on going back to our marital bed, especially since she is involved with the OM. I do or don't validate her feelings? Or just state my position that it is our bed and I'm going to sleep there to return to my normal life and comfy bed?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thanks Steve, I appreciate your thoughts. I am done with the passive agGres I've crap, and wanting to regain some respect. That's why I'm planning on going back to our marital bed, especially since she is involved with the OM. I do or don't validate her feelings? Or just state my position that it is our bed and I'm going to sleep there to return to my normal life and comfy bed?
I wish sandi would weigh in here. Personally, I think you should validate.
"Why do you have to sleep in the bed!?! That isn't fair, you gladly left it when I asked you to before!"
"I understand your being upset about this, but it was the wrong decision at the time. I am not the one that wanted to split up, therefore I shouldn't be the one to leave the bed."
You validated, but stated your intention. But others might have better things to say.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
