Yeh pretty brutal, but it was the level of risk that I was willing to take. I knew that I couldn't live in ambiguity and just go with the flow. I needed to know more about her state of mind at that time point so that I could figure out what I needed to do myself.
I think it's okay to have some hope tucked away in your heart. It can be helpful in the sense that you can gauge your actions a little bit and not do things to harm a potential recon. However, that hope has to be tucked away deep and there is no reason to bring it out unless the process for recon does start to happen. If you keep it out, then it can hinder your ability to focus on yourself and detach because you're kinda pining away for a reality that might not come around. Also you keep fetishizing the past and the MR, which also doesn't help.
But as you get stronger and bolder and more detached, the impact of that hope lessens because you have reached new levels of growth for yourself and things weren't as rosy as you had previously pictured.
In terms of relief - nah, i didn't feel any relief right away. I was pretty crushed and devastated for a little bit. But, then the relief came because I had no excuse but to focus on myself. I had no other road to follow. And then the burden came off my shoulders coupled with realizing that she was also equally at fault for the demise of the MR.
With what I have learned so far, I think it's best that newbies just move towards focusing on themselves and self-care. It's hard to do in the beginning because you're just so consumed by pain and devastation, but if you can make quicker moves towards focusing on yourself and letting go of the partner, the better your timeline of healing will be.
I didn't truly start on my healing path until that temp check happened, and even then it took me some time to rise from being crushed. I wish I had trusted the DB process more from the beginning and not taken crumbs from her as positive signs. I know it's easier said than done in hindsight because emotions were all over the map. But trust the DB process for yourself if you can right away - it will truly empower you.
Once I took accountability, I was empowered and felt I could change things for myself and I wasn't just going to stay as a victim to life's circumstances.
I'm around and if I can help in any way I will. Thanks for reading and I wish you all the best. I will be following your thread.
