Haha... oh man! so many little things happened that had complicated my BD journey... the wine, the sex night, and me staying over her place for a whole week... lol...
Nah, this was the time when my hand kinda got forced and I temp checked her... I was discussing it here about whether I should do it or not and if that was against DB. But, then I got in a spot where I had to do it. Let me summarize it here so folks don't have to go fishing... but the original posts probably give you a good idea of my state of mind at that time...
After the night we had sex, I started carrying protection in my backpack - in case it happened again. The first time it was spontaneous and I didn't have protection. Anyways, she came over for dinner and my backpack was open and she saw them and accused me of sleeping around and I shouldn't invite her to dinner if I was messing around. So, now that wasn't the case and I didn't get a chance to explain cuz kids were around and we were just about to eat.
So after dinner I went over to her place and poured my heart out. I didn't know where she stood and what we were planning on doing during the separation - are we taking time apart? are we going to MC? or is it done?
After my long monologue, she basically shut me down. Her exact words were - "this separation is permanent". And then she said some other minor stuff, but basically she completely closed everything. She said that she had me over to sleep for that week so that I wouldn't get isolated abruptly - which was bull$hit because the day I stopped, she got super cold and asked me point blank if I was sleeping over. She didn't like that I stopped that. I told her that it was hella confusing for her to do that and it was giving mixed signals.
Anyways, that was the epic showdown in a nutshell. All the ambiguity that I was dealing with because of her crumbs and cake-eating had me in a mental loop. But this absolutely cleared it and I told her that I am taking her at her word and I wont' be looking for subtext or reading between the lines.
Finished my glass of wine in one gulp and left. I have not looked back since. I DB'd my heart out because I needed for me - no pursuing, no contact as much as possible, and going dark.
She never followed up on family dinners or anything together with the kids. At one point I thought of swallowing my pride and ask her out to things with the kids, and go ahead and do it even if she said no. I remember talking with Slater about it and he gave his perspective on that. The problem was that I didn't have anything to talk to her about. How do you go from complete separation to hanging out? I don't have it in me to do small talk and I had no interest in knowing about her grad program - that for me is the core of what started this. She cut me out of that part of her life and I had no interest in finding more about it.
Can't say if I had swallowed my pride and done stuff with her that maybe there was a chance to save the MR. I highly doubt it. I decided to do what was comfortable for me and I wasn't going to put myself in stressful situations. That would've been emotionally and mentally stressful and I was trying to get to a place of peace and zen.
I stand by my decision because I know it helped me immensely to have the space and not knowing what she's doing. I could focus on myself and sort things out.
So yeh, that was the epic temp check showdown. That's why if she thinks I am waiting in the wings, she is in for a shock. I have not done anything that would indicate that after this temp check.
Most importantly, I am at peace with myself. I know I did what I could do to save the MR. She didn't bite and want to put in the work. That's on her. It was solely her decision. I gave her a huge chance. She also had time for months after that to turn the ship around - she didn't.
I did what I could for the MR, and I did everything for me as well. The former is gone, but I am hella good and in better shape than ever - mentally, emotionally, and physically.
