Advice on my Scenario Pt. 6 - Becoming a Warrior

[OrangeK]

My nephew experienced a similar situation as yours. His first marriage, and her second (so she claimed). She had a couple of little kids, who loved him to death.....and he did them, too. She put on a good front to everyone on his side of the family. I was a little suspicious about her, but told myself I was judging her for her past and should give her a chance. His family paid for the wedding, even bought her a beautiful wedding grown. Immediately following the wedding, she changed. Her treatment toward him was terrible. Long story short, he asked her why did she even M him if she didn't love him. Her answer? She had never had a bridal grown and just wanted to experience having a pretty wedding. Her children were devastated, and I don't know if my nephew will ever trust another woman to fall in love again. It was so unbelievable that a woman could be that cold and calculated. I won't get into the other things she did, but it was bad!

Im sorry this happened to him. Sounds AWFULLY familiar.

Like you, he was left with so many unanswered questions. He felt duped and could barely look at anyone. She "used" him, and I saw the raw pain in his eyes. It made me want to beat her head against the wall until she spilled everything. There was no regret or guilt in her. She was "using" a new OM and could care less how my nephew was struggling or how hurt and confused it left her children. She is the epitome of a cold, calloused heart and self centeredness.

How long ago was this? how is he now? Is she still on the same patterns as far as you know?

Honestly, I don't think it is likely. I think she will go from man to man. If she runs out of men who give her what she wants.......she may go sniffing around you again to see how warmly you respond, but I think you are just adding more agony for yourself to think there is a possibility she'll contact you one day and give a sincere apology and express any remorse. At this point in her wayward lifestyle, I doubt she's ever considered the fact you deserve an apology or some type of explanation. She isn't thinking of you. It's all about her and how she can play the next guy.

I know it isnt likely, and the more back and forth with her and MIL i have the less and less i pine over the loss. It still comes and goes, but its getting lesser and lesser. GAL'ing and testing the waters with dating have helped. It also helps to frequently hear from people here and IRL how abnormally Wayward and cruel she is. I tend to forget the awful stuff and focus on the good things i miss, but the awful stuff far outweighs it.

The same question could be asked about YOU. Did she actually have feelings for you, or did she simply use you to show her EX how fast she could get another man and get M and get pregnant. I mean, seriously.........why do you care what feelings she has or don't have for OM? Just between us......I don't think the girl has fallen in love with anyone. She just uses people for her own twisted purposes.

Exactly what I mentioned above. this is very helpful, the more often i hear about how seriously effed up she and the things she does are, the more i realize very clearly that the woman i loved was the act, and this is the real person. It just such a shame because "THe Act" was an amazing person, it bothers me that she was so good at FAKING being a good person, why didnt she just do it for real? Its amazing to think people can be that selfish and literally have no remorse or conscious about their actions to someone the professed from the MOUNTAIN TOPS to love infinitely, but you are right, she didnt have any remorse for what happened with any of her EX'es and pretended like life was peachy keen for her and I, meanwhile all the drama going on behind the curtains I was unaware of.

"I don't think the girl has fallen in love with anyone. She just uses people for her own twisted purposes"

I think she THINKS she falls in love, and then when it fades she just kind of goes "oh well, it happened again, on to the next one"
Or she is just fully aware of what shes going to do from Day 1. Which is terrifying.

That is a legit concern, and one that you have no control over. I don't believe in pressing children about the other parent's personal life, etc. But if the child feels safe with you and sees that you won't react in anger or get sad, etc.........most children will reveal little things at a time, innocently, in their child-like ways. Just listen closely.

Eyes peeled, she was always amazing as a mom around me, and others, and she has a lot of experience with kids, i just worry as S3 becomes an individual she will begin to neglect him because he isnt a pose-able instagram model anymore, he will have his own thoughts and ideas. Plus he looks EXACTLY like me and nothing like her, so as petty as that is, she will get spiteful of that too.

These are the type questions that LBH's ask that are very, very unlikely he'll ever face. No, she won't re-idolize you again. I can't say she'll never try to feel you out about reconciling, who knows? I thought I had gone over signs to look for, should she try. I think would flirt and use her sexiness, b/c that's how she got you the first time around. She would probably act real frinedly, and as if there had never been any problems between you. She wouldn't appear guilty. How to avoid it? Simple show no interest. If necessary, tell her you don't want to reconcile or be BFF's. If asks if you can be friends, it's a trap......so tell her "no".

Yes you have mentioned a lot of this before, sorry for the repeat question. Still, good info thanks. Look for my next post about a convo her and I had earlier today about S3. She is definitely still in defensive-antagonistic spite mode.

Do you daydream of her wanting to come home, weeping and telling you how wrong she was for hurting you? Do you dream of her begging you to take her back and giving her another chance? And do you see her telling you how much she loved you then and realizes how much more she loves you now?

Wanting to come home, sometimes, less and less. We dont have a home anymore, i had to move out when she left anyway. Begging for me back and another chance? Again, not as much, id be lying id i said not at all but ive come to the realization after reading this post, that everything, and i mean EVERYTHING good about her was false and fabricated, but no, accountability and apology would be higher on my list.

I think you kind of do. You still have not let it go, and that's why these questions still haunt you. I am being very plain with you. A girl like her is unpredictable in many ways, but I don't think she's going to seek R with you as long as she is meeting new men, and mixing in with other waywards, and seeing future opportunities in short term relationships. I think you served the purpose she had in mine at the time. Now she is playing with someone else.

Yes, and as much as it hurts sometimes, its liberating other times. Ive spent a lot of time reflecting on our R these past few days, and Ive come to realize that i was fooling myself into thinking i had been happy with the R. In reality i wasn't, for quite a while, it was more familiarity, comfort and complacency. I do miss the illusion, but I know it was simply that.

I think it does make a difference to you. Be honest with yourself and your own feelings. It is normal. You still love her, so these are natural things you wish could be answered. I suspect it's still early for her, and she is caught up in her new adventure or viewing her next guy to be soooo in love with.

It hurts to now she doesnt, and never really did miss me or love me.
Im still in love with the woman and life i thought i was getting, but so hurt and angry and honestly at this point almost hateful of the person she actually is. The convo i had with her earlier proved yet again that she is just spiteful and antagonistic. I know youll probably rebuke me a little bit about said convo, but it happened so ill post it.

Why do you say it would affect how she treats you down the line? What do you mean?

Will she stay just bitter and antagonistic forever, and let me be the concrete role in her life as a source of negative attention and a scapegoat she can constantly blame me for things and play the victim for the next 15 years, or will she actually try to build an amicable co-parenting situation, try to be "friends", or even the re-flirting. Her mood and demeanor will play a big role in how easy or difficult co-parenting is in the long term.

Mental health is wayward mindset. Is she scared of D? No, why would she?

It makes her look bad, she cheated, and left me for another man, she has to go to court and explain that. She is very non confrontational if she can be and the idea of standing in front of a judge and trying to lie her way out of guilt is something i know would bother her a lot. She asked for D but never took a step to initiate it and has waited till the last min to do each step weve done so far.

Does she have something to lose? Scared to face you and deal with her guilt? Okay........wait a minute here, b/c this is not a two in one situation. Facing you does not mean she is going to necessarily feel guilty. Did you ever see anything that appeared as though she felt guilty for trying to break up her EX's M? People have to have a conscious in order to feel guilt. But, who knows......somewhere down the road she may start to develop one. Just meeting you face to face is not going to be like your daydreams. Even if she musters up some tears and lies about never intending for you to get hurt, yada, yada.......would you believe it? Would you see it as guilt? Apparently she is good actress, b/c she had you fooled a long time. So, she could do it again.

She wont fool me again. "Believe half of what the do and nothing they say"
We have to see eachother in person next week at 1st divorce hearing.
I honestly dont know what she fears to lose, she threw away her whole life already.

IDK what to say about the whole TRO thing. It would strictly be a guess.

Guess away, i value your guesses immensely.

After learning more about her behavior, I think you would be most fortunate if you can move on without her intrusion in your life. Maybe that is not what you want to hear, but this woman is bad news, IMHO. She leaves a path of destruction. That is one reason I urged you not to make any contact with her that was extremely important. The less you hear or see from her, the better for you. I mean that with all my heart. She will have to have a serious make over in her heart/mind and a new set of moral standards, before I can see hope in a R with her.

After today it has become clear she is just going to be mean spirited and callous. No point in wasting my time or thought on her unless i absolutely need to. Unless she suffers a very strong and jarring loss i dont see her changing her attitude ever.

[/quote]If she repeats past behavior patterns, the vindictiveness may show more once you meet a new lady friend. I can see your WW trying to run the new lady off. WW's are territorial with the H they dumped. Doesn't make sense, b/c she doesn't want him, but her selfishness and jealous nature of being a wayward, doesn't want him having a happy love life with another lady. [/quote]

This is a huge concern, How often do you see this possessiveness? Why do they feel territorial about something they decided was worthless and expendable? that flies in the face of anything resembling logic.
She DEFINITLY did this with her EX, and i know she was really offended he moved onto a new R so quickly, and got married and had a kid to boot. Things she wanted from him, i know she even said to EX's Wife at one point "You got the version of EX that I deserved" or something to that effect.
I anticipate when I am publicly in a new R, is when she will show her change in demeanor if she is ever going to. Granted i know it will be fake, but this is something ive thought a lot about, and trying to figure out how to handle this if and when it happens.

Does she have any credit cards with you as her spouse? I know my CC sends an extra card in my H's name, even though he doesn't use it. If I didn't pay it off, the company would go after him and hold him responsible. So it might be wise if you can take your name off any joint accounts, CC's, etc. Vanilla may be able to tell you some ways to legally protect yourself, financially, etc.

Nope, heres the silver lining, she never wanted to combine finances, in any way after we were married (now i know why).
I talked about consolidating our bills, getting joint CC's and bank accounts, she wanted nothing to do with it, so we dont share a single financial asset, our cars are in our own names and we dont have any property to split. Furniture and household stuff already got split up. in regards to D, we only need to figure out custody, then it should be done. hoping it goes fast.
I think Finalizing D will also have an effect on how she treats me, not sure how, but i think it will cause a change.