Affair, no feelings...is there hope? IV

[44tries]

1) Setting boundaries:

They are for you, not her. That's the key thing you need to understand right now.

This is a great reminder. Boundary setting is not something I have a lot of experience with (partly why I'm here). But I understand this is the fundamental key and will keep telling myself as I move forward and practice setting them.

If you go back and look at how I handled stuff before I dumped the A knowledge on WW, you would see that I really struggled with boundary setting. In fact, I can say I really never set a boundary in our R until sh!t hit the fan.

My dad always told me to "Pick your Battles" and I really took that to heart. WW would complain about the stupidest stuff, and because it wasn't a big deal to me, I'd cave and give in or do whatever I had to do to make things right. Real typical NGS stuff, right?

This is so me. So, so me.

What I learned was that I needed to take control of myself and be a man. Although I didn't have a problem with all of these "little things," perse, they were creating a big rift between W and I in terms of respectful communication, meaning that I was letting her b!tch at me for things that I was considering no big deal.

So a boundary that I set was that I wasn't going to be talked at, or be disrespected by not only WW, but anyone.

I told her right off the bat that I wasn't interested in going back to the M we had, that anything we started was going to result in a new M on a new foundation. There were times (still are times!) that the disrespect would start to creep in and I just have this thing that I say to her now, which is:

"you don't get to talk to me like that. I don't let anyone talk to me like that, and so you can't, either."

if it persists, I walk away, because you can only control yourself and your actions, right?

Boundaries are NOT for controlling others, they are for you to use to let people know what you will/will not tolerate to your persons.

Wonderful example. This is exactly what I am planning to do with my W if we get there. If she wants any kind of recon, the entire dynamic needs to change. She will know from day 1 that I won't let her talk to me like she used to.

2) How will you know wether or not she's "all-in?"

You won't for a while, which is why you believe none of what she says, and half of what she does. You'll know when you truly believe she's putting in the work because you're SEEING her put in the work day in, day out months from now. the key here is seeing, not her telling you she's committed.

That's it on #2. I know it seems simple, because it is in concept.

This makes sense to me. I am okay being patient and letting my trust and confidence be earned very slowly. The thing I keep telling myself is, the slower this all goes, the more likely it will be real and lasting. The hardest thing will be perpetually keeping my guard up and not becoming exhausted.

one last note on boundaries (I can give you more info, too, as I've gotten better at them post recoc):

Keep them simple and general and for you, AND stick to them. If you don't stick to your boundaries, she'll walk all over you again.

My boundaries are/were:

Respect

That's it, really.

Personal boundaries are for you and all relationships, but they start in your M.

The way I see things is if W respects me, all the other stuff gets taken care of naturally.

Great advice. I have the same mindset you do. Respect gets to the root of the issue and will be my number one priority. I do hope you will continue to give me info; I really appreciate and value your input from experience so similar to my own. Thanks, Mowgli!