Advice on my Scenario Pt. 6 - Becoming a Warrior

[sandi2]

Past: All of the questions. they "Why's", "Does she feel bad, guilt, remorse, self-loathing?" "How could She's" "Did i EVER mean anything to her?" and "What was she thinking??" "how could she discard every item from our wedding and life together?" "why him over me" "WHY couldnt she have just talked to me instead of all the lying and cheating and pain" - Pretty straightforward stuff to work out. Knowing ill NEVER get answers is just the hard part. I know ill never gen answers or at least honest ones, unless she has a breakthrough. Just takes time to cope with these not ever being addressed i guess.

My nephew experienced a similar situation as yours. His first marriage, and her second (so she claimed). She had a couple of little kids, who loved him to death.....and he did them, too. She put on a good front to everyone on his side of the family. I was a little suspicious about her, but told myself I was judging her for her past and should give her a chance. His family paid for the wedding, even bought her a beautiful wedding grown. Immediately following the wedding, she changed. Her treatment toward him was terrible. Long story short, he asked her why did she even M him if she didn't love him. Her answer? She had never had a bridal grown and just wanted to experience having a pretty wedding. Her children were devastated, and I don't know if my nephew will ever trust another woman to fall in love again. It was so unbelievable that a woman could be that cold and calculated. I won't get into the other things she did, but it was bad!

Like you, he was left with so many unanswered questions. He felt duped and could barely look at anyone. She "used" him, and I saw the raw pain in his eyes. It made me want to beat her head against the wall until she spilled everything. There was no regret or guilt in her. She was "using" a new OM and could care less how my nephew was struggling or how hurt and confused it left her children. She is the epitome of a cold, calloused heart and self centeredness.

"Will she ever apologize or show remorse? If so, how, when and what would I do in response?"

Honestly, I don't think it is likely. I think she will go from man to man. If she runs out of men who give her what she wants.......she may go sniffing around you again to see how warmly you respond, but I think you are just adding more agony for yourself to think there is a possibility she'll contact you one day and give a sincere apology and express any remorse. At this point in her wayward lifestyle, I doubt she's ever considered the fact you deserve an apology or some type of explanation. She isn't thinking of you. It's all about her and how she can play the next guy.

"Does she actually have feelings for OM or did she just land with him out of convenience of right place and time?"

The same question could be asked about YOU. Did she actually have feelings for you, or did she simply use you to show her EX how fast she could get another man and get M and get pregnant. I mean, seriously.........why do you care what feelings she has or don't have for OM? Just between us......I don't think the girl has fallen in love with anyone. She just uses people for her own twisted purposes.

"How is she treating S3 when they are alone?"

That is a legit concern, and one that you have no control over. I don't believe in pressing children about the other parent's personal life, etc. But if the child feels safe with you and sees that you won't react in anger or get sad, etc.........most children will reveal little things at a time, innocently, in their child-like ways. Just listen closely.

"is she ever going to try and re-idolize me and seek Recon, not that i want it but how do i handle it if she starts pursuing? What do i look for? How to avoid it without making her more angry and spiteful?"

These are the type questions that LBH's ask that are very, very unlikely he'll ever face. No, she won't re-idolize you again. I can't say she'll never try to feel you out about reconciling, who knows? I thought I had gone over signs to look for, should she try. I think would flirt and use her sexiness, b/c that's how she got you the first time around. She would probably act real frinedly, and as if there had never been any problems between you. She wouldn't appear guilty. How to avoid it? Simple show no interest. If necessary, tell her you don't want to reconcile or be BFF's. If asks if you can be friends, it's a trap......so tell her "no".

Do you daydream of her wanting to come home, weeping and telling you how wrong she was for hurting you? Do you dream of her begging you to take her back and giving her another chance? And do you see her telling you how much she loved you then and realizes how much more she loves you now?

I think you kind of do. You still have not let it go, and that's why these questions still haunt you. I am being very plain with you. A girl like her is unpredictable in many ways, but I don't think she's going to seek R with you as long as she is meeting new men, and mixing in with other waywards, and seeing future opportunities in short term relationships. I think you served the purpose she had in mine at the time. Now she is playing with someone else.

"Does she ever miss me?" (makes no difference to me, but would effect how she treats me down the line)

I think it does make a difference to you. Be honest with yourself and your own feelings. It is normal. You still love her, so these are natural things you wish could be answered. I suspect it's still early for her, and she is caught up in her new adventure or viewing her next guy to be soooo in love with.

Why do you say it would affect how she treats you down the line? What do you mean?

"How is her mental state? Is she scared of D? scared to face me and deal with her guilt? Is that why she extended the TRO Is that why she never initiated filing for D herself?"

Mental health is wayward mindset. Is she scared of D? No, why would she? Does she have something to lose? Scared to face you and deal with her guilt? Okay........wait a minute here, b/c this is not a two in one situation. Facing you does not mean she is going to necessarily feel guilty. Did you ever see anything that appeared as though she felt guilty for trying to break up her EX's M? People have to have a conscious in order to feel guilt. But, who knows......somewhere down the road she may start to develop one. Just meeting you face to face is not going to be like your daydreams. Even if she musters up some tears and lies about never intending for you to get hurt, yada, yada.......would you believe it? Would you see it as guilt? Apparently she is good actress, b/c she had you fooled a long time. So, she could do it again.

IDK what to say about the whole TRO thing. It would strictly be a guess.

The way my mind works, if I dont have at least a good working understanding of a thing, and why it happened, it cant seem to evacuate my thoughts.

That's why it is so difficult for you to accept the wayward wife analyzes (if I can call it that). It is very hard for a loving spouse to understand the mindset of his WW. It leaves him completely bewildered. When you Google wayward wife, it may give signs of knowing if you have one, but finding free online information that tells you what to do is very limited. As for explaining the psychology........it's even less. I did find some under the hard hearted wife, that described the waywardness and what the H should and should not do. So, finding the right key search word helps. . The term wayward is just not that common, I guess. It is generalized as a spouse having an affair. However, I get frustrated trying to find online information that offers more meat on the subject.

That being said, I do still struggle with this lack of understanding and not knowing what to expect from her behaviors moving forward, as well as the lingering detachment issues i have to put to bed once and for all. With the level of vindictiveness and manipulation she is capable of I don't want to leave any situation unconsidered so it surprises me and bits me in the @$$ later down the line.

After learning more about her behavior, I think you would be most fortunate if you can move on without her intrusion in your life. Maybe that is not what you want to hear, but this woman is bad news, IMHO. She leaves a path of destruction. That is one reason I urged you not to make any contact with her that was extremely important. The less you hear or see from her, the better for you. I mean that with all my heart. She will have to have a serious make over in her heart/mind and a new set of moral standards, before I can see hope in a R with her.

If she repeats past behavior patterns, the vindictiveness may show more once you meet a new lady friend. I can see your WW trying to run the new lady off. WW's are territorial with the H they dumped. Doesn't make sense, b/c she doesn't want him, but her selfishness and jealous nature of being a wayward, doesn't want him having a happy love life with another lady.

Does she have any credit cards with you as her spouse? I know my CC sends an extra card in my H's name, even though he doesn't use it. If I didn't pay it off, the company would go after him and hold him responsible. So it might be wise if you can take your name off any joint accounts, CC's, etc. Vanilla may be able to tell you some ways to legally protect yourself, financially, etc.

((hugs))