Afraid of the dark

[Ste7e]

I guess I should go into more details about financial entaglements to shed some light on the situation.

I was in education and I burned out on it big time after moving into an admin position. I was being over worked and the school I was at was imploding. I really poured myself into the job to save the school but it burned me out. At the same time I found out two family members had cancer and I had to help take care. I quit the school job and made money selling collectibles on ebay which was something I did before getting the admin position. It was my default fall back job but the depression really took ahold of me and I was burned out on that also. My W and I got married at this time.
I tried to work on a graphic novel which my wife was very enthusiatic about and she said she would pay for rent, bills and groceries. I was very much against this as I didn't want to have that dynamic in our relationship but after a year I took her up on it as she said it was sexist of me not to view her as the breadwinner. She has a very good very well paying job where she was making twice what I ever was. This is actually a big issue in that she works in tech and works downtown in a very hip culture which I just have no access to with my skills. I ended up getting burned out on the graphic novel as it was too time intensive and started a book instead which I have been working on for 2 years.

Her work really ramped up and she was working 12 hour days 5-6 days a week for the last year from the house half the time where I also was trying to work and we butted heads abit about the space. In addition it felt like she was so obsessed with work that I was an obstacle in her way. She really changed in the job. She was offered a different job which was way better but payed less and I said it was ok because I could support us on the inheritance money until it picked up. She ended up turning down the job because "her team needs her" ironically when we met last tues she said that her position had been terminated and she was going to work at the better job in the end.

SHe has also said that after she had moved out that she had time to think and read and work on her own book and that being at the house and or around me she felt trapped and couldn't get anything done. She is also a codependent and she said she was spending all her time trying to fill the void in me. I said I never asked her to. I guess also worth mentioning that I am 10 years sober and she drinks.

I feel a bit taken advantage of in her career rise as I was there emotionally for the first 5 years of it before my MLC set in, I got her to leave the crappy town we were from where she had no options and my family put the down payment on our house which we pay very little for in a very expensive rental market.

Everything went south just after our 2nd wedding anniversary where she said I was fat and not sexually attracted to me which really hurt my already bruised self confidence from the MLC. We started arguing which we had never done before and she took several trips without me. I also have a terrible fear of flying which had been a big issue. My Step brother was then killed in a Motorcycle wreck and right after the funeral she said I can't do this anymore and was moved out by the end of the month. etc etc..

I guess what I am saying is that any job I get which isn't in education (which I will not do again!) is going to be so lowly in comparison to what she does that it won't matter and I am better served completing the creative projects which in her eyes I could never finish. And that is where my focus is.

While I am ranting I need to say that my W is a very emotionally cold person and was completely unsympathetic to all the deaths I endured over the last year. I was told you just have to accept it and she even would make jokes about the dead a week after their passing. She has a self proclaimed black heart and it was something I could live with but when I needed real support she wasn't there. I can see how I failed in many many ways but as a friend of mine has said that's not stuff you get a D over. SHe has said "I should have never gotten married" and that "I just wanted someone to want me like that but wasn't prepared for the long haul" is this just all script?
She also started seeing a shrink right before BD and I am 99% sure she is being coached by her BFF in this separation. The BFF is a nice and smart person but also not a person I would ever look to for advice about anything.

All in all this just feels insurmountable and I guess it was toxic at times. But also more good than bad which is why I am so let down. I really think it can be fixed and be new I am no longer depressed my GAL and 180s are seriously changing my life and despite my best efforts I don't see how this can turn around.