Afraid of the dark

[Ste7e]

OK let me work through your list LH19 and thanks for getting involved in helping me.
1.) We met two weeks ago on Tues had a great time and dinner together. But upon coming home she doubled down on wanting to get a D. My response was I hear you and "I do not want to get a D and ILY but if this is what you need to do because ILY and want you to be happy I won't stand in your way" I validated and listened but made a few misteps about mentioning the future and past but quickly pulled out of those directions when I caught myself. I also made the mistake of saying that it looks like you are running from your problems but apologized after saying that. I ended the conversation by saying that I was proud of her for doing the work on herself, which she took favorably. But sort of put my foot in my mouth immediately afterwards by saying "selfishly if we were worth anything as a couple in the future the work needs to be done" which underminded my original sentiment.
I in total weakness the next day called her and expressed that I was just so confused and that I was scared of losing her in my life. She said I would not but that we she couldn't be in a "romantic relationship with me" and we talked a bit about the emotional work we were doing as individuals and she said that she needs to be equals in a relationship. I said that I felt like I crippled by fear to do anything in my life and she agreed that was my main problem.
I saw her again that Sun as she came over to sort through stuff she was moving out and I was extremely detached and told her I had to leave soon after she arrived.
I went NC from that moment on until the text this morning saying that I was home. I have to note that my not responding the day before got an 8am text first thing when she got up so maybe she was thinking about where I was?

2.) So in regard to strong actions I am on track. I started seeing a shrink.I have completely changed my diet and I work out and go to Yoga daily I have lost 35 lbs so far and am piecing together a new wardrobe mostly because not of my clothes fit anymore! I cut off my long hair and look great. I have been going to codependency 12 step meetings and have been surrounding myself with friends. I am already a musician and I have been working on projects and getting a new band together. I played live for the first time in 3 years a couple weeks ago. I am a writer too and have been working like crazy on my book everyday with an actual deadline to finish by July 1st. I started making art again to and dedicate an hour a day to it (which I know WAW would be proud of as it was something she always encouraged me to do). I also have been researching classes for Film and went on two job interviews last week and have been on the job hunt. She just doesn't seem to notice or care about any of these things?

3.) I totally see how NC helps me with my emotional state as shown by even such a simple text this morning sent me spiraling.
I have to be honest that I hope she does receive the gift of missing me. But I am being mindful of my actions and intent to be non controlling but acting first and foremost for myself and my own emotional state.

4.) To your final question do I have it in me. The answer is yes. I keep saying I will do whatever it takes (including dealing with an A if that becomes an issue). It's just sometimes I get in the monkey house and feel so much loss I am climbing the walls. I need to learn to quickly redirect my feelings into progressive actions when I feel this way...thus far posting on here has been my response which does help immeasurablly