Advice on my Scenario Pt. 6 - Becoming a Warrior

[OrangeK]

Wow OK, this last post makes me wonder if you even listen to what we type out for you.

I do quite attentively i assure you. If we could all adhere to Sandi's rules and the other prime tenants listed her without fault there wouldn't exactly be a need for a support forum would there be?. Steve, there's tough love, then there condensation. I respect you A LOT because of all the insight you have given me and others here. I can only assume you're trying to jar me by being blunt, and I don't mind that, this however smacks of condescension not tough love.
I am not offended as A.) i feel text is a very poor way to communication things like voice inflection and tone of voice, which change a sentence entirely. B.) I don't think you meant to come off that way and are trying to help.

The basis of your problem is right here. Trying to understand a WW. You will drive yourself crazy like that. They do not do anything that makes sense.

I acknowledged that this is driving me crazy, i know its counter productive. The point of the post was trying to reach out for techniques and assistance in getting over this compulsion i have to need to understand everything that has happened and predict what will happen.

As you can see, so many up and downs, and contradictory things. Since that day at lunch in February, she has been exemplary in her commitment to work on the MR. She has stopped her secretive phone usage, is very open with her phone now, and other than a hiccup a couple of weeks ago where I put too much pressure on her in the affection and sex department, has really done a big 180. She is starting to trust that the positive changes I've made are for real and permanent, which seems to be helping with her coming back to the MR.

Lots of back and forth and illogical things there Steve, One difference is your wife seems to have a few things mine does not.
Remorse, empathy, compassion, guilt, accountability, mine went right to EA/PA without even INDICATING anything was really wrong in the MR. totally different situations when you dissect it.

You've had multiple bomb days! What do yiou mean "she had asked for that prior to BD"? Asking for separation is a bomb! You've had multiple bomb days and that is a fact you need to face.

I realize that now. I guess i misused the term, for me BD is the day i found out about the affair, and she left our home. Up till that point i only had fleeting guesses we had "hit a little rut"
to say i was blindsided that night on Oct 14th is the understatement of the century.

All typical. You are still in the grieving process over the loss of your MR. It is important for you to go through that OK. Your MR as it used to be is gone forever. Even if she comes back it will have to be a new MR. If she came back right now I am not sure you are emotionally mature enough or healed enough for that to happen. I think you'd want things to go back to pre-preBD and pretend like nothing happened. Which would set you up for another BD in a year or two.

A few weeks ago, going back to Pre-BD R would have been EXACTLY what i wanted. I have learned so much since then.

Look, it is like I told mtb. I believe divorce is wrong, unless there is a PA. You are morally justified in getting a D. No one would blame you. However, you need to sort out your feelings before you do anything.

Well heres the problem, i filed well BEFORE i worked out my emotions about it. Now things are well in motion. As i said on MTB's post i am conflicted - Withdraw D proceedings and look weak / controlling /pursuing but be content with my situation as it is, or move forward as things stand and know that if we have a future it will be in a 2nd MR, not this one.
She did more than a PA, it STILL IS a full blown EA/PA which includes my son spending time around OM since 4 months before i found out about the affair at all, and by your above logic, i should just power forward with D, which seems the more logical choice. Im still marred by the "what if shes just too scared and embarrassed / guilty feeling to come and actually talk to me about MR, so she is just embracing R with OM and hiding from me via TRO instead of facing the music".
That is the one thought slowing down my ability to be content with my decision to move forward with D. [/quote]

I know you poo-pooed my suggestion of finding a good IC, but you really really need to consider it.

Ok now i get to get snarky. Do YOU read what I post?
I already said in a previous post i had tried one IC, and am currently seeing a 2nd one. I just dont think its helping me, and I cannot afford to continue to do IC if i ever plan to get a new apartment or get ahead financially. It is simply an expense i cannot continue to incur.