Affair, no feelings...is there hope? IV

[44tries]

It is manipulative. I've seen the same thing reported hundreds of times. When she says this type of stuff, she actually wants just the opposite. She wants you to feel sorry for her and show her tenderness and sympathy. (Google hard hearted wife). You don't have to be cruel or cold as an ice burg. However, you can't give in to your urges to say something comforting to her. Present a stoic front, and let her wonder how you feel. She is extremely self-centered. It is the nature of the WW. I pray that during this time away, God will confict her heart and she really will repent for the disrespectful treatment she gave you and seek to have the right feelings of a loving W. If she gets her heart right with God, that's a good start in healing the MR...........but, that part is between her and Him. As the H, your part is stepping up to be the dominent male in the MR and in the home. She will have to learn to remove her military uniform when she comes home from work. Lots of women who are in an employed position of authority forget to change hats when they go home.......just like some men forget how to interact with his W and children after dealing with very stressful issues all day at work. Neither of them are going to respond well if they start shouting orders at home. Regardless of their position on the job....both spouses have to regroup, so to speak, and wear the appropriate hat for the home, bedroom, family, etc.

This all makes sense. I won't give in to any urges to comfort her.

I think she loves you, but she acts like a spoiled brat. I don't think she knows how to value the MR. At least that's what her actions say. It has gone past being extreme and has gotten completely out of control. I hope you see that you can never allow it again. While she's gone, I hope to talk to you about setting boundaries.

I would love to talk about setting boundaries.

What she said about the sexual issue......I use to feel the same way. I have explained how a W's attraction is tied to her level of respect for her H. I had gone through so many years of a SSM that I thought there was something sexually wrong with me. Yes, my H played a big part, b/c he would not stand up to me and just stonewalled (which was the worst thing he could have done with me). He stopped initiating and even stopped sleeping with me. He was not a dominant male in the bedroom (or anywhere else) that I needed, so it left me feeling as if my insides had died. That is an awful feeling. It was not just the lack of sex, but the lack of an intimate relationship and the sheer loneliness that made me very vulnerable to some man who showed me the right kind of attention. My feminine ego was starving, and once I had a little taste of male attention, it did play a part in tempting me for "more". When I discovered I had normal sexual responses, I felt alive for the first time in years......and I was hooked almost instantly. It's like a strong drug, and that's why it is hard to end an affair.

This is really good insight.. and also crushing for me. It kills me to think I made my W feel that way. And I can definitely see why it would cause such vulnerability to cheating.

If you will continue on your path to being a dominant male in your home, and especially when interacting verbally, physically, and sexually with your W........her attraction will return, if she'll just cooperate. She will have to show respect, even if she doesn't feel it. That is key. It will take her being willing to put away her demanding ways, stop trying to rule over you, and drop the entitlement. A woman does not sexually desire a man she can rule (unless in a kinky female dominant fantasy.....but it doesn't work in a real relationship).

I don't know how she was raised or what type of dynamics she saw between her parents. But, it's never too late to learn something new. There is too much available information out there for her not to learn, if she is willing. She has to be cooperative. She has to put forth the right action in order to get the feelings in return.

The WW operates out of her emotional frame of mind. It's all about "her feelings", which is evident in your W's conversations. The main thing she is concerned about in reconciling or trying again......is how she will feel. Just between you and I, her feelings are not the most important issue right now. Remorse (which is another feeling) is not the most important issue, or even her commitment. The most important thing needed is her willingness to do the necessary work. If she cooperates, then these other things will come........if her heart is right. As long as her heart is resentful and selfish......then those feelings won't come b/c you just can't have a loving, happy MR with resentment, selfishness, and disrespect in the heart.

And how will I know if she gains this willingness? She will say so?

Forget about the sexual stuff right now. She'll bring it up, b/c she's concerned about her feelings, but I don't want you making it an issue at this time. Don't even try to assure her that the feelings will return. B/c when a man tries to tell a woman about her feelings......it doesn't seem to have a good affect.

Got it, I will try to minimize discussion about the feelings issue and not talk at all about how she can fix it.

When she comes home, and if you decide together to stay in the M, it has to be with the understanding that she is all in.....not just part way. She needs to know that she will sleep in the same bed with you. There are to be no more separate bedrooms while living under the same roof. She is either all in....or all out. She doesn't get to set the rules by what she wants. You are the betrayed spouse, and she cheated, so that pretty much forfeited her game rules. As long as there are separate bedrooms, the chances of increasing an intimate MR is not near as good as when sharing the same bed....and having the same bedtime. Know what I mean?

Yes, I know what you mean. I completely agree, this is the only way I want the reconcile to go if it's going to happen. But back to my question above, will this be obvious and she will say so? Or how do I know when I go from unaccepting to knowing she is all in? I am preparing for something wishy washy where she says she wants to try but doesn't really believe it will work and isn't really willing to give up her demands. I guess maybe thats the answer ^^ she no longer makes demands?