Advice on my Scenario Pt. 6 - Becoming a Warrior

[SteveLW]

Wow OK, this last post makes me wonder if you even listen to what we type out for you.

"I still can't wrap my head around why if she wanted to be with OM, and not me, she would Deny the Affair, even when she knew i was fully aware of it, but yet still tell me she wants a divorce but take no steps to initiate it and wait till last min with everything the court has required us to do so far? Also, why extend the TRO?
I need help trying to understand her motives and goals here. Nothing is logical, nothing makes sense, i cant even figure out if things all went exactly as she may have anted them to, what would have happened?
I know she was still adamant on hiding the affair when I found out, and continued to lie about it. That seems like the old "keep me as plan B" scenario.
I know she would have wanted a separation eventually as she had asked for that prior to BD."

The basis of your problem is right here. Trying to understand a WW. You will drive yourself crazy like that. They do not do anything that makes sense. Look at my timeline:

12/23/17 BD I confront on her EA, she counters with she doesn't want to be married anymore. She wants to get a job, get an apartment and get a divorce.

For next 2 days she is very attentive and affectionate.

12/26/17 I finally find DBing, tell her that I want to save our marriage but can't do that without her buy in so I am letting go. Start working on detachment, etc. She immediately begins to hedge, saying things like "I don't know what I want, I was hoping after the holidays my thinking would change."

Two weeks of family functions for holidays, being in limbo, including R discussions most started by me.

1/5/2018 She sends nude photos (second set, first set prior to BD) to EA OM #1. (I find out about this later.)

1/19/2018 I tell her that I will not tolerate her being involved with another man even in just an EA. Either she is all in to fixing the MR, agree to full transparency, and agree to MC as well as other work on the MR, or she gets out. She says ok, she'll work on her resume.

1/20/2018 After spending all day working on her resume and looking at job listings (I remain detached through all of this) she comes to me that evening in tears telling me she things D is wrong, that God will not be happy with it, and that she wants to want to stay in the MR.

1/24/2018 I discover she has a full, paid for, complete with picture (so that anyone that knows us could see it is her) profile on an online dating site. I go home and confront telling her firmly, with minimal anger, that if she has a shred of respect for me or cares at all about her daughter, she will take the profile down. She gets very submissive in light of my alpha males display and agrees. Profile disappears over night.

1/27/2018 When invited by another couple at church she agrees to attend a church sponsored marriage retreat in 3 weeks.

2/1/2018 She agrees, at the suggestion of my MC, to attend the first MC session so that if she ever does decide to engage in MC with this counselor she won't feel ganged up on.

2/7/2018 I confront her about what I think is EA OM#2 messages and her excessive time on an online karaoke app. She immediately starts saying she wants to work on us, that OM#2 is just a friend (information that turns out to be true) and that she agreed to MC and the marriage retreat as well as has been reading material about remaining in the MR.

2/10/2018 In light of her still being secretive with her phone despite being willing to hand it over to me at anytime, I finally take her up on the offer to examine it. (She doesn't know but by snooping on her PC I can tell through her Google account activity that she is installing and uninstalling apps to hide her messaging and other things from me.) I install apps, and begin to have her log into them. I find messages from OM#2 that are very sexual (including the fact he sent a Richard pic to her), that she had been in contact in EA partner from 2005. And that she had been sending messages to guys through her online dating app (even though the profile was private). Turns out OM#2 is just a pot-mouthed idiot and there was nothing reciprocated (I can tell from the chat logs), that my mentioning EAP from 2005 made her look him up and they exchanged pleasantries, and that none of the 20 and 30 year-olds she contact on the dating app responded, and that since she paid for a month of it she still had an active account (she didn't renew).

2/12/2018 When I bring up the contacting guys on the dating app thing again she admits that "she has no idea what she is doing!"

2/17/2018 At lunch during a break at the MR, she makes an offhanded comment about me meeting girls online. To which I just laugh off. She then says it would be ok with her if I did. Which launches us into a huge R discussion where it appears that her rebellious side is making another appearance. After this discussion we go back to the retreat and she becomes very affectionate. We have a good evening going to dinner, where it appears she is trying to apply the things she learned at the retreat. On the way home the next day we have a very positive discussion about the R where she admits she just needs to get her head and heart right.

As you can see, so many up and downs, and contradictory things. Since that day at lunch in February, she has been exemplary in her commitment to work on the MR. She has stopped her secretive phone usage, is very open with her phone now, and other than a hiccup a couple of weeks ago where I put too much pressure on her in the affection and sex department, has really done a big 180. She is starting to trust that the positive changes I've made are for real and permanent, which seems to be helping with her coming back to the MR.

Granted, is could be she is ready to drop bomb #2 at any moment and then say "look, we tried" who knows, but all of her actions are showing that isn't going to happen.

"I know she would have wanted a separation eventually as she had asked for that prior to BD."

You've had multiple bomb days! What do yiou mean "she had asked for that prior to BD"? Asking for separation is a bomb! You've had multiple bomb days and that is a fact you need to face.

"lots of questions rolling through my head today, thankfully they don't seem to effect me emotionally as much as they used to but the questions themselves are still there.
Still getting random small flares of emotion, jealousy and missing what we had from time to time, but not nearly as frequent or powerful."

All typical. You are still in the grieving process over the loss of your MR. It is important for you to go through that OK. Your MR as it used to be is gone forever. Even if she comes back it will have to be a new MR. If she came back right now I am not sure you are emotionally mature enough or healed enough for that to happen. I think you'd want things to go back to pre-preBD and pretend like nothing happened. Which would set you up for another BD in a year or two.

Look, it is like I told mtb. I believe divorce is wrong, unless there is a PA. You are morally justified in getting a D. No one would blame you. However, you need to sort out your feelings before you do anything. I know you poo-pooed my suggestion of finding a good IC, but you really really need to consider it.