Hanging On (Saying ILY Pt. 3)

[OrangeK]

Did a lot of thinking last night, and I thought I was to the point of filing for D today. Now I am having second thoughts. I understand this is probably normal. W has become someone that I don't want to be with. Having an A, making poor decisions, and being a crappy parent. My reasons for wanting to file dealt with those 3 issues. I felt that if I filed, I would be protecting myself from any bad financial decisions she makes, have a better chance of having custody of the kids (she is basically nonexistent right now and I believe it would be better for them to be with me), and why would I want to be with someone that is cheating on me...

Today the "what ifs" started creeping in. What if she can change? What if a true R can still happen? What if I'm making the wrong decision? Etc. Again, I know this is probably a common occurrence for LBS's, but filing for D is a really big deal. I took my MR and my vows very seriously. This has got to be one of the toughest decisions I've ever had to make. I guess if I'm unsure about it, I shouldn't do it. But then again, I feel like it may be necessary to protect myself financially and the welfare of my kids...

Dude i swear we run on the same friggin mental cycles (go look at my thread)
I have been having VERY similar thoughts today. Only difference being that i already filed, put it on hold, took off hold and got my TRO extended on me.

ive been having trouble with the back and forth as i still am not talking to WW other than the text exchange in my thread #5.

I NEVER wanted D, not sure I even do now. Ive been trying to keep myself on track with the "your marraige is over, even if you two get back together it will have to be a totally new MR" mentality to get me through these times.

She literally threw away every sentimental item we owned together.
Including all of out wedding items and her dress.
for some reason this is really standing out to me lately.

im still just grappling between what she did and is doing vs. what she always claimed she wanted and what she felt. two opposites. completely contradictory. it blows my mind.