Things moving fast. Twists & turns.(hoosjim's 15th

[hoosjim]

Well, back home.

Had a great trip. Maybe the best trip we've ever had. Best since our honeymoon and in some ways even better than that. We laugh-- at everything-- and joke, play, flirt... just enjoying each other's company and being in the moment. There is a, idunno, an easiness(?) with us that was never there before. I think a lot of it has to do with the openness and honesty and knowing that we don't have to hold anything back with the other anymore, bad or good. The specter of the affair and of the troubles plaguing our relationship prior to that are there, but are fading.

I think the one thing still lacking is the "putting to bed" of the bad stuff. Not to forget it, but to process and make sure there is full accountability and full forgiveness. I think that is what I have been looking for and not knowing what it is the past few weeks. There are significant elements of that in the workbook and exercises that MC had previously given us, but there is also a lot of stuff in there that has been "OBE", so to speak, so it will take some work to extract the necessary components. The end product of that program is a comprehensive "forgiveness letter" from each spouse to the other, that is written independently after several sessions and/or private talks making sure each knows and understands precisely how the other was made to feel by the offending spouse's actions (or inactions) during the MR. There is also a separate forgiveness letter for the affair. The process is supposed to be comprehensive with an airing of both all transgressions by both spouses and discussion to ensure that each spouse knows how the other spouse felt. Then the letters are written and exchanged, and the spouses discuss whether or not they can forgive the other for each of the specific transgressions. It seems like a good model in our case, particularly where we are otherwise getting on so well and seem to have pretty much completely bridged the intimacy gap.

I am not sure that there is all that much left that is "Secret" on either side. I am sure there are some things about the A here and there that I do not know (W acknowledged the hotel night with OM, but did not offer to elaborate), and, on my side, certainly no "secrets" except for how, precisely, I collected info about her affair. There is now nothing left about the affair that I "know" that I have not already told her that I know.

Other than that, the only real hurdle remaining is how we treat her relationship with bff... Which might ultimately become a non-issue with bff moving to FL in a month or so. It was interesting that, for the first time I can recall in a loooooong time for one of our trips, W did not have any contact whatsoever with bff while we were away. She still says she wants to get together with her sometime before bff moves, and, prior to our going to Cancun she had said that bff had invited us both down to visit her in August (an offer I told W point blank I was extremely uncomfortable with and which has not been further discussed) but maybe she's started to give up the security blanket, idk.

I think we're "back." I don't have any little alarm bells going off, and there is nothing suspicious about what she is doing and everything she does seems devoted to me and the boys and the family and the MR. Twice during our getaway, completely un-prompted, she cried a little with her head on my chest and told me how sorry she was that she had done the things that had hurt me so badly. I think it's genuine. It does all seem a little miraculous but... wasn't that what I was looking for if this were going to happen?