Affair discovered

[STH17]

So I didn't write the apology letter. Not that I decided not to, but more because I am anxious about writing it and I typically don't follow through and complete tasks I am anxious about doing.

I did get a nice blank card and wrote her a note of appreciation for mother's day though. I left it on her pillow, but I don't think she even opened it last night.

This morning I was shaving and she stopped at the bathroom doorway to ask me if I had RSVP'd for one of my cousin's weddings coming up. My aunt just messaged my wife asking about it. I think she asked if I was going to go by myself, which probably was a question of if I was going to take our son with, but I asked if she wanted to go (duh, of course not). She said it would be weird for her to do things with my family when she wanted to separate. Then she asked when we could talk more about that, saying there were forms and schedules we had to work out. This was the first time she had brought up divorce in a calm way and not after a heated emotional conversation. So I calmly said we could talk about it this weekend. I have a consultation with a family law office this Thursday, but my wife doesn't know that.

Then we were both in the kitchen, she making her coffee and I my breakfast. She was making some trivial conversational statements: "My dad has a pour-over coffee maker that makes better coffee than my french press" Me: "uh-huh"
Her at the sink: "We've got ants again, think I can wash him down the drain?" Me: ...
Her: "Are you icing me out?"
Me, after thinking what to say: "I'm just trying to protect myself." Her: "By icing me out?"
I am really trying to stay calm here and not blow up on her about her trying to make light conversation after just making plans to work out a divorce with each other. I don't remember what else was said by each of us exactly, but she was upset as usual that I wasn't saying anything to her when I felt I couldn't talk to her. Usually my thoughts are racing with things I know I shouldn't say out loud or I think I can't say, and there's no room in my mind in the midst of that to stop and just say "I can't talk about this right now", or "I need some time to think, I can't talk to you right now or answer any of your questions."

She said all she's ever wanted was for me to tell her when I am upset. Well yeah I'm upset now because she wants a divorce and she's acting like it's no big deal! How am I supposed to tell her that? Like she's blaming me right now for not putting her or our relationship first. Really? Right NOW you're upset for me not putting YOU first!? WTF!? And that's why I'm silent, because it's taking all my concentration to stop myself from exploding on her with that. And I'm thinking she ought to be appreciating my restraint.

She also said "I don't think you understand what is happening here," which I think she meant about the reality of her wanting a divorce and there being nothing I can do to stop it or change her mind. I think then is when I told her "I need you to end this conversation right now" because apparently she hadn't understood that herself. She sighed, annoyed, the way I used to when she used to ask me the same thing and she was emotionally flooded during an argument/discussion/conversation/whatever. I wanted to tell her I understand a lot more than she thinks I do, and she's the one who doesn't understand how wrong of a "solution" divorce is to our problems right now. And that I understand she's had(having?) an affair and that she doesn't understand how much of a betrayal that is. So yeah, I think I get to be silent right now and she can be the one to "deal with it".

Now that I'm a bit more cooled off and have written this down, I wonder if I should go talk to her about what happened. I still don't want to tell her what I was really thinking. And actually I'm not sure if I am all that cooled off. Writing down my angry thoughts has made me a bit more angry at the moment.

I want nothing more than to talk to my wife about my feelings, but all my feelings lately are anger and sadness and fear about her giving up on our marriage and having an affair. And she says things like all she's ever wanted was for me to talk to her about my feelings more. I don't think I can do that with her if she is constantly reminding me she wants a divorce. Feels like a trap, like she's asking me to share my feelings and then she's still going to use that to tell me it's too late or not good enough.