It's tough. W's mom is on her third marriage. So is her father and grandmother. I think my W is just numb to the idea of D. Like it's just some normal thing to do when you get to a rough spot in your M.
My WW says the same thing, Her mom is on M #3 and misrable, her Dad Divorced X 2 and single, bad health. She has literally said "i grew up in a divorced household and I turned out fine. Kids are resiliant he will be fine" Yea....She turned out fine.....and im the freakin' Pope.
Originally Posted By: mtb1981
She has told me several times that it won't affect the kids. But she forgets about all the times she's told me in the past about how her mom got a job as a bartender and left her and her brother at home with their stepdad for days at a time (sounds familiar, doesn't it?)and the effect it had on her.
The hypocrisy and ability to blind ones self from the truth is truly astonishing isn't it?
Originally Posted By: mtb1981
She felt abandoned and still holds this against her mother. She has told me in the past that she thinks a lot of her issues stem from her crappy childhood in a broken home being bounced back and forth between her parents. It blows my mind that she can't see she's doing the exact same thing to her kids now, but there's nothing I can do to make her see it. I just feel bad for the kids. They don't understand what's going on. They just know they don't like it...
It is friggin heartbreaking. If my WW wanted to half-@$$ parenting so bad, why trick me into having a child in the first place? I could pose the same question regarding getting married so whats the point in trying to understand the logic of such damaged people. Logic isnt there to analyze.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
I chose to title this segement of my thread as "Becoming a Warrior" as that is the mentality i have adopted.
A warrior is always prepared, never stops training. A warrior is more than capable of killing, but only at the most dire need. A warrior is honorable, respects his enemy, and honors the bravery of others. A warrior is humble, patient and observant. He considers his move before making it, and when it is made, it is precise and efficient, without a backward glance.
This is the attitude i have been trying to cultivate in regards to GAL, NC and moving on as the ball-owning, proud, self confident, honorable man I was before being leechcrafted into submission by WW's manipulative hogwash.
You can't trip on whats behind you.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
I may catch a 2x4 here. Dont care, if its needed its needed.
I still struggle with not trying to predict the future. GAL has been going well, Detaching is getting there, Cognitive Dissonance is still hard to fight through sometimes, but its mostly clear these days.
Its the past and the future I struggle with. Here is why.
Past: All of the questions. they "Why's", "Does she feel bad, guilt, remorse, self-loathing?" "How could She's" "Did i EVER mean anything to her?" and "What was she thinking??" "how could she discard every item from our wedding and life together?" "why him over me" "WHY couldnt she have just talked to me instead of all the lying and cheating and pain" - Pretty straightforward stuff to work out. Knowing ill NEVER get answers is just the hard part. I know ill never gen answers or at least honest ones, unless she has a breakthrough. Just takes time to cope with these not ever being addressed i guess.
Future: Herein lies the problem. This is where she still occupies my head-space. Here are some examples of what thoughts plague me.
"Will she ever apologize or show remorse? If so, how, when and what would I do in response?"
"Does she actually have feelings for OM or did she just land with him out of convenience of right place and time?"
"How is she treating S3 when they are alone?"
"is she ever going to try and re-idolize me and seek Recon, not that i want it but how do i handle it if she starts pursuing? What do i look for? How to avoid it without making her more angry and spiteful?"
"Does she ever miss me?" (makes no difference to me, but would effect how she treats me down the line)
"How is her mental state? Is she scared of D? scared to face me and deal with her guilt? Is that why she extended the TRO Is that why she never initiated filing for D herself?"
I know these may sound like thoughts NOT from the mind of a warrior, and you would be right. It is understanding them, and overcoming them that is my warriors task.
The way my mind works, if I dont have at least a good working understanding of a thing, and why it happened, it cant seem to evacuate my thoughts.
Sandi, Vanilla, **I AM NOT LOOKING FOR PURSUIT ADVICE** That being said, I do still struggle with this lack of understanding and not knowing what to expect from her behaviors moving forward, as well as the lingering detachment issues i have to put to bed once and for all. With the level of vindictiveness and manipulation she is capable of I don't want to leave any situation unconsidered so it surprises me and bits me in the @$$ later down the line.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Still bums me out to think I cam to this forum 3 months ago to try and save my marriage, and now i realize that is definitely a forgone conclusion. What a waste and a disappointment.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Still bums me out to think I cam to this forum 3 months ago to try and save my marriage, and now i realize that is definitely a forgone conclusion. What a waste and a disappointment.
So not true. Go read ItHurts' thread.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It has been inspiring to read ItHurts thread and see the turnaround he has experienced. I think i would be foolish HOPE FOR or EXPECT that result though. I would like to think thats why may happen with me, but im not getting my hopes up. Shes too damaged Steve, she needs IC REALLY bad before we could R anything.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
It just feels like anyone who has made an semblance of forward progress with their MR has been DBing and separated / BD'ed for less time than I have already. I get the whole "Marathon not a sprint" thing, but my sitch has only gotten worse since time has passed. I found this forum in early March, and my Stich is literally no different. I am different and that is huge. I have learned so much about myself, and what i deserve while here, and that is invaluable. I have improved immensely. My sitch has not, and i do not expect it ever will.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
