Consult with a lawyer and find out exactly what the financial picture would likely look like in a divorce. Anything you do now could be construed as setting a precedent so you need to get some legal advice . (My ex's lawyer apparently told him to get a bigger apartment when he moved out so that there wouldn't be a precedent of him living in a studio and supporting me and the kids in the house.)
And how do I show her I am capable of moving on when she knows I want to preserve the marriage?
How do you think you would show her? You show her that you are moving on.....by really moving on.
Look, she is divorcing you. You have to stop thinking of every move as some strategy that's going to open her eyes and change her mind. You haven't detached, and doing things as a family with her, hoping she'll see what she is giving up.........doesn't work!
Now, you are wondering how tough you should get about the things she wants in the D. It sounds as if you still see it as a strategy and thinking if you just hand her everything she wants......it will soften her heart toward you. Forget about when she'll wake up. When are you going to wake up?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I appreciate the feedback, Sandi. Have I completely detached(?), no, but I am working on it. It is hard to when we are separated but have plans this summer with the kids. Yes. Of course I can just say no and cancel everything, but what does that get me when she offers it and I am trying to do 180s? I already spoke with a lawyer is is advising me on what I can/cannot pay. I am just trying to balance actions and things I do and say. Being punitive I assume does not get one anywhere. In the end, we need to co-parent our kids and my kids.
We're not living together but for a few days each month. Fully separate in the Fall. My situation here corresponds to "Need advice, please thread" for more context. Thank you.
And it is hard to detach when I FT the kids each night and she is there. And staying cohabitant for the summer, as she is asking for is not helping me either.
And how do I show her I am capable of moving on when she knows I want to preserve the marriage?
How do you think you would show her? You show her that you are moving on.....by really moving on.
Look, she is divorcing you. You have to stop thinking of every move as some strategy that's going to open her eyes and change her mind. You haven't detached, and doing things as a family with her, hoping she'll see what she is giving up.........doesn't work!
Now, you are wondering how tough you should get about the things she wants in the D. It sounds as if you still see it as a strategy and thinking if you just hand her everything she wants......it will soften her heart toward you. Forget about when she'll wake up. When are you going to wake up?
Sandi2 is right, I tried to do the "invite husband along with me and my son on family outings so he'd see what he's missing out on" and it doesn't work. If anything he seems to have a good time and then the next day he is distant again and sulky again. This is my recent personal experience on that, I thought it would open his eyes and it does not. Detaching and doing my own thing and making myself busy helps me, and I've noticed he's become a bit curious about my being busy or going out when he comes over to see our son. If I feel generous, I just give a little comment on going to the store when I get home, and I do not walk him to the front door anymore to lock it behind him when he leaves, I let him see himself out and I ignore the hurt sound in his voice.
Basically, I'm just saying that you have to be tough and take care of you. I didn't believe it at first regarding detaching may help them come around, but it seems to be working a bit regarding some actions and comments husband makes. You just have to be casual and not give any notice that you are eager once they say something that sounds positive or they go running again.
Together for 13 years, married for 8. H is 46 I'm 40 S is 6 Bombdrop in April 2018 Still in limbo as of 2019
Thank you jlh. Hard part is that we still have vacations planned this summer and we are still cohabitating, separate bedrooms. I d like to detach but then I would need to say I do not want to be in house and move it.
Edit - The word I d with the apostrophe was the culprit - Cadet
Last edited by Cadet; 05/14/1802:02 AM. Reason: restored post
