[s]No[/s] affair, no feelings...is there hope? III

[44tries]

Sandi, I'm sorry I feel like I have failed you. But it got me. I couldn't take it anymore. It wasn't her, I was just ready. I am truly 100% ready for my MR to either live or die. I am at peace either way.

So, for better or for worse, here are the results....she broke. Totally and completely. At first she played the question game, "are you assuming?" "how do you know?" etc. I cut it off, was having none of that. I told her I was beyond done with taking any kind of disrespect. Didn't take long, she admitted everything. She said she had gotten drunk, they kissed. She didn't sleep with him. I didn't ask questions, I really don't care. She told me she broke it off two weeks ago, she knew she f*cked up. She hoped she would just never have to tell me so I wouldn't get hurt.

She talked about being unhappy, unattracted to me, but how it was no excuse, blah blah. She said she knows how awful she has treated me, so mean, so entitled, pushed me around left and right. She said she isn't that kind of person. Now, she feels the push pull, she didn't want me and then she felt herself desperately wanting to pull me back. I asked her how she felt (not about the R, just in general), and she said "like I'm going to regret everything for the rest of my life". She bawled and bawled. Eventually she couldn't talk anymore.

I didn't really say a whole lot. Like I said, I didn't really have questions. I didn't cry or offer her any reassurance. Aside from her talking about her frustration with the MR and not feeling like I was warm and loving, we didn't talk about the MR. I just let her have her spill. She ended by texting me after she couldn't talk anymore from crying and said "I deserve everything coming to me. You deserve so much better than the monster I have been. I'll never forgive myself and can't barely live knowing and hearing how awful I was. I don't know how to live without you."

I haven't responded and think I will just say we both need time to think. Sandi, I hope you will still be willing to help me going forward. Strangely, half of my feelings right now are feeling like I have let you and others who have helped me down. I must really have NGS...my journey to kill that monster has only just begun.

Anyway, I know I shouldn't trust her or anything she says...I tried not to break any of the confrontation rules. I was tempted to try and discuss fixing things but I held off.

What's done is done. I feel so much relief. I don't even really want to think about next steps until tomorrow. But, please, if I have not forsaken you all, I would love to hear thoughts I truly cannot emphasize how much this community has helped me get to this point and the time people have taken to read and write to me, I am so humbled, blessed, and eternally grateful.