[s]No[/s] affair, no feelings...is there hope? III

[artista]

I agree with sandi2 about confronting over the phone... No bueno... It does appear weak... But if you go NC, detach and get stronger, then confront her when she returns, that sounds like a plan... It will begin to all come together for her... It might make sense to her... "Oh! That's why he needed space... He knows I've been lying to him."

Sheesh, 44... Don't you remember her awful behavior at the movies? How disrespectful she was to you and your friends?

[44tries]

Yes I understand, Sandi and artista...Sandi I would love to practice with role play

Okay, this morning W messaged me that yesterday "she was having a very emotional day, a whirlwind in my head."

Several hours later, she sent a long message that said:

"You going out not answering me saying you will let me know when you make it home and then not doing that was absolutely horrible for me and very disrespectful on your part. Then you go out all the time you have these new things you're doing and for what reason? To meet people, but why? Cant't you see how that would make me question your reasoning for doing that when you never did it with us but now are on your own. Its' like a stab in the f*cking heart. So yeah I was feeling an overwhelming amount of jealously, forgotensness, insecurity, betrayed, sad, mad, etc I can't really describe it or why I felt that way but it felt like my heart was being trampled and ripped out. And just your tone towards me has changed so much. Very cold almost. You calculate your words carefully to create such a barrier and treat me "professionally". And that hurts as well. Yeah I have told you how i felt and what I need and want, but it seems like you said okay and flipped a switch and it was that easy for you. And you may not think I need you but i do. So when I come to you now I get the door shut in my face and I'm left in an inferno of sadness and rejection and anger. But yet you want to stay there and "do your thing" but why? To use me? To benefit yourself? Because it's easier, financially I am sorry for how I am and who I am and that I have hurt you but as long as you are near me I cannot control how I feel and I cannot promise that I won't repeat the above described emotinos/actions. IF i did not feel/react that way it would mean I do not care about you.

Even though I have went out a couple times without you, it was still hard to do and I thought maybe it was healthy for me. But other than that I am always involving you, or going to work and coming home out of respect for you and myself. Last thing I would want is for you to be sitting there feeling what I have been feeling."

I have said nothing. Please help.

[Maika]

Hey! Don't reply to that message... yet.. I am going to translate this message and put it as CL says - Universal Bull$hit Translator. Here we go!

You going out not answering me saying you will let me know when you make it home and then not doing that was absolutely horrible for me and very disrespectful on your part

You living your new life is buggin' the hell outta me. How dare you go out and do things for yourself.

Then you go out all the time you have these new things you're doing and for what reason? To meet people, but why?

How dare you meet new people and do something with your life and make positive changes? don't you realize this is all about me and you need to be here grovelling and crying and pleading.

Cant't you see how that would make me question your reasoning for doing that when you never did it with us but now are on your own. Its' like a stab in the f*cking heart.

Even though i made it impossible right now for you to do positive things and make changes in our relationship, how dare you go and these things when I've just treated you like trash. Oh also, it's all about me and my feelings and you stabbed in the heart but that is not the level of consideration I am willing to give to you when I ripped your life and shattered everything.

So yeah I was feeling an overwhelming amount of jealously, forgotensness, insecurity, betrayed, sad, mad, etc I can't really describe it or why I felt that way but it felt like my heart was being trampled and ripped out.

OH I have feelings. Many many feelings, but I just don't give a rat's a$$ about yours and what you're feeling. Like your heart was not destroyed by what I did, but I don't care about that because this is all about ME!

And just your tone towards me has changed so much. Very cold almost. You calculate your words carefully to create such a barrier and treat me "professionally".

How dare you not treat me like I am your moon and stars after I destroyed you? It's like you have feelings.

And that hurts as well.

Ouch! I have an owwwie. Boohoo!! Woe is me!

Yeah I have told you how i felt and what I need and want, but it seems like you said okay and flipped a switch and it was that easy for you.

Don't you remember that this is all about ME! How many times do I have to say that? How dare you just go and try go self-heal and improve your life and engage in self-care?

And you may not think I need you but i do.

Yeh I am a massive cake-eater. I just want eat and eat and eat from your hands while I slit your other wrists.

So when I come to you now I get the door shut in my face and I'm left in an inferno of sadness and rejection and anger.

How dare you show me your true feelings and not want to be around me after I f$%#ed up your whole life? I am so sad and lonely in this corner of a $hitpile that I created myself from your pain and bones.

But yet you want to stay there and "do your thing" but why? To use me? To benefit yourself?

How the hell am I going to say this more clearly - THIS IS ABOUT ME!!!! You are not a real person to me with real feelings, desires, and wants, and so how can you go out and do things for yourself.

Because it's easier, financially I am sorry for how I am and who I am and that I have hurt you but as long as you are near me I cannot control how I feel and I cannot promise that I won't repeat the above described emotinos/actions.

I am just saying sorry so that you know that I think I know what I did was wrong - but I didn't give a f$%k about finances actually. You are so overpowering and a hypnotist that I am unable to make actual rational adult decisions when you're around. It's like you're a blackhole. I am going to dump all my feelings and blame on you and make you guilty about everything. I am so f*$*ing self-involved that I will continue to gaslight and scapegoat you and try and manipulate you with my emotions. Just forget what you need and be by my side so when I need you, you're there. But I don't really need you, I just need to know that you're waiting in the wings for me.

IF i did not feel/react that way it would mean I do not care about you.

I am truly not a manipulative a$$hole but I want to guilt you into believing that I actually care about you...well, until something else comes along. Don't you see that my love is conditional and just about what I want.

Even though I have went out a couple times without you, it was still hard to do and I thought maybe it was healthy for me. But other than that I am always involving you, or going to work and coming home out of respect for you and myself. Last thing I would want is for you to be sitting there feeling what I have been feeling

I am just saying this so you can see that I care about you, but I actually don't. I am just really good at manipulation and you're my puppy dog and I am sad that you're making a frown face. I am really telling you everything.. honestly... pinky swear...

------------------------------------------------

Okay, so I had more fun with this than I thought, but hopefully you get the point. What she wrote is absolutely atrocious and pure garbage.

My W did something similar to me early after BD when she didn't like my changes and GAL. I had just started DB and I fumbled when this happen and caved into her temp check.

So learn from my mistake and let her stew in all of this. I wouldn't respond to ANY of her points to justify or defend yourself. All you can do is validate. And I would keep it very short, if I were to reply to her. I am more on the side of not saying anything so to not get dragged into a R conversation.

But, if you feel like you have to HAVE to say something, I would text something along the following lines:

'I know that this is a very difficult time and I understand your feelings about it.'

I still don't think you should respond. Let it be and go do something for yourself. This is classic manipulation, cake-eating, guilt baiting, entitlement all rolled in together.

[artista]

This is rich... She is a self-absorbed manipulating control freak... She claims to include you in her outings? Didn't she tell you she didn't want to have to feel obligated to include you? And didn't she begrudgingly include you recently because she needed a DESIGNATED DRIVER? now that was HUMILIATING!!!

I would respond by saying, "let's talk about all of this when you get home. This discussion deserves a face-to-face and warrants more than texts and phone calls." And leave it at that...

[44tries]

Thanks, Maika! Your translation was epic. You nailed it. She is throwing me everything she has. It feels like every time I get stronger, so do her attacks. I don't want to make the same mistake as you, thank you for helping me not to. Your response suggestion was good, but Sandi and artista have put me on validation probation

Artista--yes, yes, and yes. I like your response. Any response I have to this includes confrontation, so wrapping it all up in one and leaving it to face-to-face makes sense. I'm sure this will make her livid and I shudder to think what she might come up with while she stews for a week. But I need to do what needs to be done and I know that is listening to all of you here.

What I want to know is--is she aware of just how self-absorbed and manipulative she is?? Or does she believe her own bullsh!t?

Ugh, she is already sending the "are you there?" messages...

[artista]

She knows herself on some level... on another level she actually believes her stuff... She is surprised that you are not bowing down to her, and that is because she has no clue that YOU KNOW... She thinks she has all her bases covered... Btw, when my H let me know that he knew I was unfaithful, he sent me an email that said I KNOW on the subject line... I had never felt fear run through my body like I did when I read that...

[44tries]

That is more or less what I was thinking...I think if this was all totally calculated and she was completely aware...maybe that is sociopath territory IDK but very foreign to me as a human being. I can understand she is wayward and trying to convince herself of all kinds of things...I try hard to understand the WW and Sandi and you have helped a lot but at the end of that I cannot embody it because I have not been there myself.

I'm glad you shared your comment about your husband's email...I have many times thought of the feeling of ICE I hope runs through her veins when I tell her I KNOW. Not that I am wishing for her to suffer, but perhaps just to know that she isn't a sociopath...

I used your line...as predicted she is trying to demand we talk now...

[44tries]

She has also said that the fact she is away "isn't helping her fear and insecurity". She claims all her thoughts run immediately to maybe I have met someone and we are layed up together all day in our house. To be honest, on the day of BD, I would have guessed that if I told her I had met someone else in the near future she would have been relieved and saw her smooth path to freedom...shows how much I understand the WW.

[44tries]

Correction...she isn't demanding...she is begging. Literally, "No please please".

[44tries]

One last question for you artista, did you view it as weak that your husband emailed you to let you know? I won't lie, I am tempted to just get it over with...but I also need some more help and preparation from Sandi.