Gordie, Gerda and Ownit.........thanks for the words. I appreciate you guys taking time to give me your perspectives.
Gordie..........H really is a very confused dude!!!! Last week he said he wanted to be married and wanted to do what he needed to do to work on this. But then he cant stop bringing up the parent thing
Honestly I am not sure why he wants his parents involved in our relationship. When I ask him, he can not give me a good reason why. When we were still in a good place (before BD) his parents were not really involved in our lives that much. They don't live in the same continent or time zone as we do, so it isn't like it is easy for us to communicate much anyway.
Gerda.........I appreciate you taking the time to get to know my sitch. As far as me taking him back.......I have said to him that I want to work on this marriage. I offered to go to counseling, but he has somehow found excuses not to make an appointment. Some might say, why don't I make the appointment? I feel like if he really wanted to go he would make the appointment. I don't think this is an unreasonable request. He finds time to do things HE wants to do, so if this is something he wanted to do I would at least like him to make the effort.
I agree that I am hurting......no question about that. I also am not sure if I am ready to give so much of myself to him anymore, because I don't know if he is willing to do what it takes. What I would like is for him to be honest, no hiding texts, no more being deceptive about finances, and not have close inappropriate conversations/relatioinships with females. I saw on a text that he said to a female friend "thanks for suggesting those snacks, I saw that they will increase my sex drive, so thanks for thinking of me ." SO INAPPROPRIATE.
He says that he is going to "try" and stop doing certain things and start doing other things, but then doesn't follow through. He is used to living in his own little world he has created. I just don't know if he is ready for the uncomfortableness that comes along with really looking at who he has become.
I really have tried not to have any expectations of him, but when he says he wants to prove to me that he can/will do things, and then doesn't, its hard.
As far as his parents are concerned.......I don't feel that I am choosing them instead of my M. What I am choosing is focus on me and learn to be a better person going through all of this.
I know it sounds really awful, but I honestly don't want to have any kind of relationship with them. They have shown me they type of people they are and I don't wants those type of people in my life. H tells me that when he Skypes with them and is hanging up they say "tell SKM hello for us"........if they really meant that then why don't they reach out to me. It is not genuine at all in my mind. They are saying that for his benefit, or maybe their own.....I'm not really sure.
I also know it is hard for people to understand, but I don't need to forgive them in order for me to move forward. For me to be able to forgive someone I need to see some sort of regret or remorse, and I have seen none of that. They have not reached out to me at all since all of this happened 2 1/2 years ago......and sadly I don't think they will, so I had to let them go......so that's what I did. H tells me that since they are British they don't know how to show feelings or emotions. I tell him I disagree, and being that way is a choice they are making.
Ownit........yes, I agree H does have awareness. H has really been working on opening up more, but when he starts to feel uncomfortable he stops talking and crawls back into his hole. He avoids conflict at all cost.
I have really tried to be patient with him. I think that if I saw consistency from him it would make things easier for me. I would love to try and not discuss our relationship and focus on having fun. Unfortunately H has said on 3 different occasions that he is unable to move forward with things like that because he knows that ultimately the relationship between me and his parents is forever scarred, and he knows that I don't want them in my life. He continues to take the blame for that because he says he is the one who said all those awful things about me to them, so that is why they said and did the awful things to/about me. I just don't see why it is so important that I have a relationship with them. He doesn't have a relationship with my parents right now. It is not a priority for me right now, but for H it is??
I do care about him, and I think he cares about me too. And I agree that we don't always communicate well.
." SO INAPPROPRIATE. 
