Organic Blue Sky

[HaWho]

Andrew - yes! It does feel good. Unfortunately, I know he cannot handle being told what he can and can't do. So there will be backlash.

Job - yes, lots and lots of acting out. And by involving the kids he plays dirty pool. Very sad. I will be careful. Thank you for the concern.

DnJ - yep, it has been quite a wild ride. Sometimes I remember things and I am just shocked by what I have experienced. Last week I was at s's game. I was looking down reading something as the game had not started. In a huge crowd I heard jingling keys I knew were my ex's. Sure enough, I look up and yes, it's him. And it brought me back to his hardcore replay days and how I'd hear those keys at all hours of the night when he returned. Gosh! Did I really live through all that?

Ownit - I know! Where is his revolving door of girlfriends? He spent so much time telling me every woman wanted him so where are they all?!? Can you imagine if he is still sitting in a stinky room wallowing away?

Gordie - thanks for the nice post. Regarding my mental health, I'm told by close friends and family that I am doing really, really well. My sister who knows me through and through says she sees the glimmers of the me before this all rocked my world.

Sometimes I feel shocked by all that happened. I witnessed so much craziness. Recently I told a friend just a few snippets and she was speechless. I've known her a few years (but we're not so close) and she said she could never have guessed that was happening to me in those years.

My takeaway is that I'm here for a reason. I see now that there were signs that he had issues. I had my own for sure. I am conflict avoidant, have weak boundaries and I am a fixer: where's that hole in the Titanic? I am sure I can plug it!

The rose colored glasses are off and I see that he always had really poor coping skills. Once, early in our m we had a small argument. And he took off for a long while into the wee hours of the morning. I was shocked at the over reaction; it was so disproprotionate to what was warranted. It was ridiculously immature and selfish. It was foreshadowing. He was PA and that certainly worsened over time.

So slowly, slowly, ever so gradually, I learned to tamp out fires before they even started. I knew he would over react so I did x and y to appease. And he was always afraid of aging. He was grossed out by it. He had issues getting along with people for the long haul. He was always mad at someone for some silly reason. Sometimes he cut good people out of his life for years. I watched that and deep down I knew if he could do that to those people he could do it to me as well. He was more tumultuous than I ever wanted to admit. Many, many people (even in his own family) said I was too patient with him.

So from that, I will learn to strengthen my boundaries, stop fearing conflict and stop trying to fix stuff. That's why I am here...