Affair discovered

[STH17]

A year after Retrouvaille, unsuccessful marriage counseling, 3 months of me out of the house and 3 months in-house separation, and I still need to slow down? My wife said she didn't want to be married to me over two years ago already.

Is giving an apology letter not part of DB at all, or is timing just important? Another friend I've been talking to has been recommending Lee Baucom's Save the Marriage system, which seems to have a few large differences with DB. An apology letter is an essential part of, as is building connection and consistency. I've also been learning and implementing a lot of good skills from the Gottman website about turning towards emotional bids, repair attempts, rituals. I read something about letter writing today in the DR book, too, but I'm still working through that book. I don't want to continue researching and researching while my marriage just slips away because I'm not taking any action. An apology letter is something I haven't done yet, and I think it is something that is missing.

The biggest things I feel the time pressure from is my wife's current job ending at the end of the month, my thesis being due mid-july, and no concrete job, housing, or divorce plans in place for myself or my wife.

I guess knowing it will take months or years to sort out is good to keep in mind, but I would hate for my decision to not move be the thing that makes my wife finally file for divorce. I keep wondering why she hasn't already.

I think I'll post again tonight about why I think I need to write an apology, hopefully that helps me with writing the actual apology. Right now I'm going out to GAL!