[s]No[/s] affair, no feelings...is there hope? III

[44tries]

This is a tough one, but I do feel you would do well to reread the validation thread. I feel there were opportunities to validate her feelings and instead you were a little passive-aggressive. But then I am in no way an expert.

However, her anxiousness to contact you tells me that she will reach out again. I mean, she has to be thinking that there is no future with this 19 year-old so she is probably not quite ready to let you go so easily.

Thanks for your reply, Steve. So, I know what you mean about the validation. But Sandi and Artista have just reamed me for using validation that last time she brought up her feelings. I understand their point--her "feelings" are not real. They are just attempts to control and manipulate me. And even if they were, validation is attempting to "repair" things and there is no point in doing that right now. I really struggle with the concept, because as I've said before it feels like validation is always the minimum thing you should be doing. I think the main reason I agree with them that I shouldn't validate is because there is nothing real to validate. In this particular case, her "caring" if I make it home safe I think reads: I want to know how late you stayed out. Her being "upset" I won't answer her questions about flirting reads: I want constant reassurance that you aren't going to see anyone else because even if I don't want you, no one else can have you either. She is upset I am not bowing down to her demands for control. I think, anyway. Sandi, artista, etc can confirm if I am on the right path.

I know my responses were rather harsh (I wasn't trying to be passive aggressive, so maybe I didn't do a great job). But Sandi has been trying so hard to get me to push back against her control attempts and that is what I was trying to do. I am not supposed to allow her to constantly question my whereabouts and activities or ask I am flirting, dating, etc. Remember there is a major respect problem (read: lack there of).

You are very right though about her anxiousness. She has already sent another message, "Because clearly I am out of line." I will respond soon...still deciding what to say but thinking I will tell her yes she is out of line with her demanding questions. That is the whole point of this discussion and she is trying to turn into some generalized hullabaloo and threaten "full separation". I didn't realize we were only half separated until now?? I think every message she sends is just a more and more desperate attempt to get me to cave and beg her to not be "mad" anymore. She is getting scared that I really might not want to talk to her.

Here's the thing. Frankly, I think she is surprised by my reaction to BD. She is very surprised I am GALing, especially because it is a bit more difficult to do it here and I am forced to go hang out with foreign strangers all the time. I am an introvert, for the most part. It IS hard but I am doing it and having fun and it's good for me. But I think she is nervous. Also, if she were to kick me out or I were to leave, her life would become miserable, at least while she is here. That is just fact. She has no real friends (again, location), along with doing all housework and maintenance which she currently does so little of, she will have no one to hang out with or do anything fun. She wants to go to the beach and take trips all summer? If I am not there to join her, she does it alone (or realistically not at all).

I do not know the status of the A or OM. But of course she can't be so stupid to see it working. It certainly isn't going to provide her much fulfillment in the near term. She may have changed her method of contacting him, but she isn't "online" all the time like she used to be. She isn't staying up all night talking to him (she also has to share a room during her assignment and check in at 6 am, so part of this is hindered logistically). I am not getting my hopes up or really trying to analyze it. But the fact that she calls me all the time and wants me to be her "vent box" (her words) and sends me wall pages of texts about her day does sort of feel like doesn't have someone else to do this with...again it might mean nothing at all, I am not hanging anything on it. Bottom line is she "needs" me far more than she would ever want to admit and I am not unaware of that fact.