Affair discovered

[STH17]

MLC is probably all rolled into this too. My wife and I haven't talked about that together, but at the beginning of our separation she was very crushed by her realization that she had "lost her identity" because of our relationship. We never had a constructive conversation about that. I've been practicing not getting defensive when she says stuff like that, but the result ends up being I don't say much of anything at all, which leaves her feeling like I don't care or don't understand her.

Last night was the fashion show. I tried to be asleep before she came home so I wouldn't be thinking about when she might come home. I woke up when she did come home, but pretended to be asleep. I thought that was the right thing to do to try to "detach" and not open up a can of worms by asking "how was the show?" and somehow be seen as prying, but it felt dishonest to pretend not to be awake. I think if I can successfully stop looking for evidence of an affair, I am afraid that will end up just widening the disconnection between my wife and I.

I did ask her about the show this morning, and I enjoyed the conversation for the most part although it was difficult to maintain eye contact as I was worried about sounding too inquisitive. I asked if she had some pictures of the outfits I could see, which she did share with me. I didn't ask if she saw anyone she knew, but she told me that she only saw one person she knew. Overall, nothing really suspicious about our conversation, and I was trying to act AS IF I had nothing to be suspicious about. The more I can do that, and the less snooping I do, the less suspicious I may become. I can see myself in the future even starting to believe that I was just really anxious and making up an affair story in my head because I was so afraid of that happening. Like now I am starting to think of other possible explanations for the evidence I found, but I worry I am just fooling myself. I think the bottom line is, I don't want to feel the pain of her having an affair, and I also don't want to mistakenly assume she is having an affair and have that affect how I think of her and behave towards her. That is why I asked her about the first message I read. I haven't thought about that message for a while, but as I do now it reminds me of how all the pieces of the story I constructed fit together and seem to not allow any other conclusion than an affair.

I'm trying to stay off Facebook, which one thing that is helping me.

There are three reasons I asked my wife to take our son with her today:
1. So I could work on writing an apology letter to her
2. So I could have some time to GAL and do something for myself
3. As some insurance against her meeting up with AP. I recognize this is a similar behavior to what I did a few days ago by not telling her I was going rock climbing until the last minute.

I think my wife may be just as suspicious of my request to have the weekend to myself as I was of her request to have a day to herself. But I think as long as I have nothing to hide, I don't really have to worry about her suspicions. Ugh, now I'm just thinking of all the evidence I have seen of her affair though, and I want to STOP DOING THAT! I'm going to fold some laundry and listen to loud music now. I like loud music, and I never get to enjoy that when my wife and/or son are home. So time for some me time! Crank it! Then I think I'll go rock climbing again. And maybe have a meal in the city. I think I will also renew my membership at the rock climbing gym, which just expired. I think I'll go for the three-month membership, even though W and I had decided to move out of state by mid-June. That was assuming I could find a job there by then. I'm debating backing out of that agreement though and staying put now. I think that might force my wife's hand on starting divorce proceedings though. I don't want to do that, but I don't want to make a move out of state for her if she is just going to leave me anyway. The trouble there is that if the move really is the best thing for her, I don't want to get in the way of that either. I am fearful of an ugly custody battle arising from that too. I think there are some haaard conversations that will be forced very soon, and I worry I won't be ready for them. I'll probably keep posting here about it and hopefully have some insights as I do. Writing my thoughts helps.

By the way I did schedule a consultation with a family law office just to try to be ready for what I think is imminent. I don't want to tell my wife I have done that, because I don't want divorce proceedings to start. I am doubting the wisdom of completing the homework my therapist gave me as well. Like, I know I can't stop my wife from starting the divorce, but do I really want to be giving her any ideas or telling her to just go do it if she wants to? :P

aahhh NOW it's loud music time! !