[s]No[/s] affair, no feelings...is there hope? III

[SteveLW]

I guess I should have said pursuit and pressure. You are right if done right it doesn't have to be control.

This ^^^^^^^was Steve's response about revealing the A could be seen as controlling & pursuit, which I think kicked off Mowgli's post.

Hummmm.......I don't remember considering just the confrontation as controlling. I seldom bring up the issue of control, b/c the WW could use that as her tool in every thing the H tried to say or do. I can't see it as actually controlling, when you just confront her. He's just telling her he knows about the A. I mean, the H can't fear confronting his W on any subject just b/c he (or she, or anyone else) would think it's controlling. When a WW is mistreating her H, he can't just lay down and roll over simply b/c he's a afraid it would be seen as controlling behavior to confront her. As Steve said, it's more about how it is handled.

Pursuit, IMHO, would be if the H started displaying all his wimpy emotions .....begging, etc. Another way, is if he started in telling her how he wanted to save the M..... and what all they would have to do.......before he even knows how she feels! Yes, I have to agree there, that many H's get in a big rush to tell their WW he knows all about her A and this is what she can do to continue the M. He's lost her before he ever finishes the sentence. Timing! Approaching her that he knows (why even ask her).......but he doesn't tell her how much he knows, or how he found out. He just stands there and waits for her to respond before he says another word.......unless he gives a boundary of not staying in an open MR. He does not tell her what she can do or what he wants......until way later, when he is convinced she is serious about doing the right thing. The only way he should even progress futher with saying anything more, is if she appears very remorseful and humbly asks for his forgiveness and tells him(in so many words) that she'll do whatever it takes to save the M. (BTW, this seldom is the case). It's still not the time for him to go into detail. She'll try to blame him, accuse him, etc. It's not even the time to get into a relationship talk. Having a R talk would really help her get the H distracted. If any of that old stuff starts with her, that's when I like to see the H actually turn around to pack his bags (without further discussion), leave the house, without telling her anything other than he knows about the A. Let her stew in her own sh't for a few days, weeks, whatever. She needs to worry, and to see how she's lost him and the MR. Speaking as a WW, I think it has much more bomb effectiveness. When she sees H not making any effort to contact her or go anywhere around her.......well, that leads into a longer post, doesn't it?

It's an interesting topic, Steve.

Sandi your response is right on point. My point with confrontation related to control or pursuit or pressure was due to my experience.

In 2005 when I confronted my wife with on her EA, she immediately said she wanted to save our marriage. So confronting her again last Dec. I expected her to respond the same. When she immediately said she didn't want to be married anymore I was devastated and fell into the exact trap you describe.

My point to 44 is of he confronts he shouldn't expect her to be remorseful about the affair. If he does then that is where control pursuit pressure comes in. You nailed it on the head in your response. I was guilty of all three in my confrontation.

One other thing Mowgli said that is so true: if she is remorseful and wants to save the MR, watching her mourn the loss of OM is difficult!!! In 2005 it took 3 months before my wife was over losing OM. I fear that if he hadn't gone into self preservation mode for the sake of his MR and kids (I threatened to tell his wife) she would have relapsed in those first 3 months.

44 the choices here for her after you confront is to give up the MR or to want to save it but go through grieving of the loss of the OM. Neither is fun so brace yourself for it.