WAS vs MLC...not sure it really matters, part 3

[Rita]

Hi, SKM -- I just read through some of your posts, and I don't know you from the boards and you probably don't know me, as I was taking a break for literally a couple of years but my H recently rebombed me so I am struggling and spending too much time lurking when I should be working.

I hope you won't mind if I chime in but my take is different because what is happening to you is the dream of dreams to me. Not that I think it's the perfect dawn for your M; but it is a little beginning. If my H did the things your H is doing, I would feel that a huge shift was happening and I would wait with expectation and caution and hope. It's not that I think your H is fully baked and ready; he does still sound like a mess and it does still seem like it's going to be a long time. But to me it sounds more like you don't want to take him back as he is, broken and shaky on his legs. To me it looks like your very confused H who went totally bonkers and destroyed your M and hurt you horribly is now trying desperately to climb back out of the pit, but every time he sticks his head out of the hole, you are either thinking or saying, "Too little, too late!" and wack-a-moling him on the head. I know you are hurt, believe me, I am a puddle of hurt and pain most of the time, and your heartache is just like mine; but to me I think you have so much cause for hope but you are too scared to allow for another long haul in this stage of the MLC. It sounds so scary because of the other women stuff but it sounds like he is really testing the waters, and that seems like a great thing, however difficult it may be.

I once read a devotional on Rejoice about how when the prodigal spouse tries to return, it's like a child learning to ride a bike. We would never think of running alongside our child shouting, "What the heck are you doing?! Why are you doing that? That's all wrong! You'll never learn to ride that bike!" It seems like you either have to let him wobble on those training wheels and learn how to ride the bike again (still with plenty of detachment and GAL on your part, I just mean the times when you are together) or tell him you don't want to be with him and end it. It seems like torture to keep setting an expectation for what he will do and then feeling horrible when he doesn't meet your expectation.

My circumstances and what my H has done are horrifyingly wretched and I am on year five now. But I know that the choice is mine, and that if I am going to keep waiting, I have to forgive daily. If I don't want to forgive, I can't make it dependent on what my H does, I have to choose to walk this path or leave it. At times when I stopped trying to forgive daily, I destroyed myself, not him.

I was also thinking, if the MLC'er is that way because they are returning to a horrible time of childhood, it seems really unrealistic to expect your H would not want to have peace with his parents. If he is able to make peace with his parents, I think he will be a much better H. From my far away vantage point of not knowing anything much about you or your M or anything at all, it just seems like you are also choosing his parents over the M, in a way. I think that once you felt confident in his love, and it might be a really really long time from now, you will be able to forgive his parents too, and you will feel free.

I'm really sorry if I am out of line in posting this. I am a very devout Christian, but I know that that kind of radical forgiveness is not for everyone. It's really hard for me too; but I just feel called to do it anyway. Recently I realized again that unforgiveness was for me a death -- it was sort of a reconversion for me, and since then I have been able to forgive my husband even though he has gotten worse. So that's what is behind my words. But I am sure you will find the path that is best for you. I wish you the best of beauty and joy and love in your journey either way.