Very insightful post. I am sure at a minimum your wife felt you were controlling. I was the same way as you when it came to spending money. On my BD, she spent several minutes telling me how she wanted more leeway related to buying things for the house, and for charity (our church holds charity drives and I've discouraged her in the past from going "overboard"). Whenever she'd leave to go shopping I'd say "be sense-able!". Like your W I think she felt I cared more about money than her.
The weird thing (maybe God's intervention?) is that our financial situation got a lot better in the months after BD. And because of her grievances in that regard I did a 180 and loosened up about money. This had a big effect on her. She knew that would be one of the most difficult changes I could make so as she tested it over time my consistency in not behaving the way I had previously really started to make her believe the changes I was instituting.
She likely is testing you. Are your changes real? If I say I want to spend this money will he react the way he always has? If you are interested in saving things I would encourage you to back off and let her make this decision on the car. I don't know your financial situation, but if it is at all possible, then I would encourage you to just let her do it. Don't even give your blessing, just tell her it is up to her and you will support the decision either way.
And then see if there is someway you can sacrifice to help if it makes things difficult. One of the things I did was switched to bringing my lunch instead of going out every day. I was spending $10-15/day (4 days a week since I work from home one day a week). That is $200-300/month right there!
Controlling and emotional abuse is one of the worst things that we can do as spouses (behind only physical abuse). If you were that way then the biggest change you can make is to stop it, and if you need help stopping that then get it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
