Affair discovered

[STH17]

Last night when she came home from her workout and before I went rock climbing, she said she wanted to buy a car. She said she saw one down the street that she wanted. I thought that meant a used car in a driveway, but then she said it was $8000, and she had enough for the 10% down payment but not the monthly payments since she didn't have a job. And there was another one she liked but this one had less miles on it. I asked her what the monthly payment would be and she said she thought $150-$200 a month. She has complained about wanting a new car before, but now it sounds like she is making more plans for herself, and not even asking what I think about buying a car. What I think is yes, we could use a new car, but we need to budget for it. And she has not wanted to look at a budget with me since separating in January. A friend advised me that if she is indicating that she is planning on making large financial decisions without me, I should do something to protect my own interests. I don't yet know how to do that without my actions being perceived by her as as controlling and abusive. I haven't contacted a divorce attorney yet, but now seems to be the right time for that. I think I will make that phone call after posting this. I don't want a divorce, but I know I can't stop one if she wants it so I'd better get ready, right?

When we were in marriage counseling last December, our therapist revealed to both of us that my behavior towards my wife amounted to emotional abuse. That pretty much broke my wife, and my immediate reaction was to want to help her heal and never hurt her in that way again. The core issue then seemed to be that she felt she had lost her identity in our relationship because of my frugality, which made her feel like money was more important to me than her, and I made her feel bad about spending money on herself, just because I wouldn't have spent it that way. I recognized my attitudes about money were hurtful to her. understood those feelings finally as a result of a men's retreat I went on last November where I did the most powerful emotional work of my life up to that point.

Other things she has wounds about and I want to apologize for are our sexual relationship. Being raised Catholic I ended up thinking the only non-sinful way to have sex was PIV, and I didn't believe my wife when she told me that wasn't enough for her. Therefore she was often left unsatisfied, and was hurt by apparent unwillingness to give her what she needed. I've done a lot of work on my own to change my beliefs about sex and have become much more liberal in that regard. I have not communicated that to my wife though, since I didn't want to just sound like I was saying "see how much I've changed!?" And the only physical contact we've had in the last six months is maybe a dozen group hugs with our son, two or three instances of hand-holding, and one hug with each other when I was feeling really lonely and touch-deprived. My desire for physical contact grew stronger the more comfortable she started to become around me, which led me to ask for a hug that time. I don't think she was comfortable with it though.

Anyway, I thought I was respecting the distance she wanted between us, and was trying to do everything I could to work on myself and the marriage by trying to have positive interactions,
turn towards her bids for attention, be vulnerable myself to rebuild trust, manage my emotions so I wouldn't say things out of anger I would regret, talking about conflicts when I recognized them instead of avoiding them (which is why I approached her about the message I read which worried me about an affair), and asking her if something was wrong if I saw her in distress rather than avoiding her unpleasant feelings. That all seemed to be helping her feel safer around me and more connected, though I could see there was a long way to go still. That all changed when I asked about the message I read though, and now I think she views all those acts of kindness and positive changes in myself as manipulative behavior. I had been taking on a lot more of the housework too, but feel I can't keep that up anymore which frustrates me to have that also be seen as an inconsistency or something I didn't really change. It's not that I don't want to continue contributing with the housework, I just don't think I can continue it any longer at the same pace without any effort from her. Sigh, I know that I could still exhaust myself by doing all the housework, but I also know acts of service is not one of her LL.

I think this post is getting too long, but I've got a lot more to get out and I worry about not having enough time. The fashion show is tonight, and my wife is going to a baby shower tomorrow two hours away in our hometown. I want to ask her to take our son with her, so I can have more time to work through things on my own this weekend, and write an apology letter. (I won't tell her why, just tell her I need a day or two to myself, which is what she told me last week when she met with AP)

Met my therapist today and my homework is to say this to my wife: "I am sorry that I hurt you. I was emotionally abusive towards you. How do you want to move forward? I don't want a divorce, but if you want it you will have to start it because I emotionally can't."

Doesn't sound like something people her would recommend I say, but I see now that nothing can improve MR while W believes I am her abuser, and that will not change without me acknowledging it to her and apologizing. I want to write a complete apology letter this weekend. I was going to last weekend but A discovery got in the way.