Wife is not who I married ..Pls Help Part 2

[SteveLW]

My question is - do I ask her how her trip was?

Yes, this is fine. However, DO NOT ask for details. See below.

What did she do? ask to see pics?

NO. Let her share what she wants. This is pursuit. The above question is just polite, but wanting to see pics is pursuit. If she offers pics then view them. Otherwise when she says "It was good." and leave it at that, don't follow up.

connect like we did in the past?

You are not connected like in the past so no, do not attempt to connect with her. Just ask how her trip was and validate. "Good to hear you had a good time.[/quote]

Or do I sweep it under the carpet and just leave it be as if I'm not worried that she may have been with OM and did whatever?

I can tell from your wording of this you've already determined that anything short of confronting her on this trip is "sweeping it under the carpet".

So now let me ask you questions. Say she, under your questioning, admits she is into this NA religion and denounces Christianity. What are you going to do? You already said she knows how you feel about it, are you going to insist on telling her what she already knows? What if she comes clean that not only was her sis there but that an OM was there too? Does that change your desire to get your wife back? If the answer to that question is no, then why does it matter?

LW, I know all this is hard, and counter-intuitive, and just makes you miserable. Been there. What freed me from all of this is coming to the conclusion that I cannot control her! This is why detachment and validating anything she says is so important.

Also, another thing I and a lot of LBSs are looking for by questioning the WAS is reassurance. However, in my experience and reading lots of sitches here, almost never, in fact in 99.999999999% of the cases that the LBS is looking for reassurance by talking to or questioning the WAS they do not get it.

At best you will get a lot of IDKs. Most of the time they will be blunt. You see, the WAS has already realized that in order to get what they want they have to hurt you. So looking for reassurances from them is probably not going to happen. IF they do give you some minor reassurances it is probably in order to manipulate you to get something they want out of you. Thus the sandi rule: Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do.

Further, looking for reassurances from your WAS shows you are still emotionally attached, and that you have to work to detach, lovingly. That means NOT initiating conversations. Be upbeat, present, responsive, but do not start conversations and BE the one to end them. "Thanks for chatting, but I have to go...." No reason why you have to go, remember mystery is a good thing!

So LW, when she returns, and you interact, let her start the conversation. Ask her if she had a good trip, and then validate what she says.