[s]No[/s] affair, no feelings...is there hope? III

[sandi2]

You've explained how respect is sort of the "cure" for waywardness. That helps show me that is curable, but also why it is not easy or instant to do so. And if and when it is, it must always be maintained.

Waywardness is a choice........just like sin is a choice. She has to choose to do the right thing. She may not experience feeling respect in heart right away, but if she chooses to give respect to her H, the feelings will follow. If that maintains, her desire will return for him.

I made the decision to do the right thing and end my A and stay in my M. I did not feel it in my heart, right away. However, I purposedly showed respect for my H. It had become a spiritual matter for me, b/c of the A and everything else about my waywardness. I had to do a lot work on my heart, b/c I had many years of resentment and bitterness. So, I had to pray and repent to God and ask Him to restore my love for my H again. I thought that would take care of it. But not quite, b/c I had not forgiven my H for the stuff I held against him over the past. It got to the place I could sleep at night b/c of the weight of my own actions and the unforgivness in my heart. It is hard to let go of decades of old hurts and anger. If my H could forgive my betrayal, then why couldn't I forgive him for the past? God helped me to think back on many of those old hurts and see where I had failed to respond the right way. We were both young and two very different people trying to learn how to merge as one. I finally let it go, forgave my H, and went to him with in true humility and brokenness to sincerely apology and ask if he could please forgive me. Previously, that was too hard to do b/c I had a lot of pride.

I don't think I was ever the manipulative type. I don't think I had a sense of self-entitlement. But when I crossed the line and started flirting with strangers on line......the formatt that was already in my heart took on the new excitement I found on the other side of a computer monitor. I had never kept a secret or deceived my H, up to that point. But I became two-faced, secretive, deceptive, and hid my on line activities. It's very embarrassing for me to even talk about it now. I knew better. I had a strict code of conduct that would never have compromised or stooped to this line of degrading behaving. I had reached what I call the looney-tune stage, where the WW is caught up in getting her ego food and feeding her fantasy. She pretty much tunes everything and everyone else's importance down to a very low key. I lived in front of the computer. I would come in from work, barely speak to my H and head for the computer, which was in another room of the house. That became my world, and I barely went through the motions of any special events in the family. I would put on a fake smile, but all the time fidgeting to get back online to the OM I had met.

I didn't boss my H around, or do some things like other WW's I read about. I ha a sharp tongue, and I'm sure I've cut him deeply at times. By the time I was readhing the peak of my rebellios stage, I just wasn't interested enough to boss or drill him. I would get very aggravated when he didn't get the yard work done or have the car washed, or bring aome new hoard to add to his growing collection, or find a job.......things like that. . I had emotionally D him. I didn't care what he did (or so I thought at the time), just as long as he didn't bother me. I was getting more & more consumed by the fantasy, and it was the only thing that had caused a spark in my body for years. I basically isolated my H. He mostly stayed in the front part of the house, while I stayed in the back .......which was what I wanted.

I would paint an unattractive picture of my H to my mother, siblings, kids, etc. Over time and I as my disrespect grew, my demonizing of him grew worse. Once OM entered the scene, I was really verbally tearing my H apart to family. I did not go outside the family b/c he held a public role that I knew I could harm if I said anything negative to anyone other than immediate family. I was planning to leave, and OM told me he would come get and take me back with him. I was hesitant b/c it meant giving up my job and health insurance (which was a big deal) and leaving most of my things and going to a huge city. It was a little frightening. I told OM I would like to get an apartment in a neary town and commute to work. He could fly in to see me on weekends. He even said he would help me financially. I think it was the first or second crack in the golden egg I saw, when he called me one night and I was telling him about checking out some apartments. I could tell he had been drinking (which was a little turn off for me), but anyway I needed to know how much I could expect from him.....b/c finances were going to extremely tight. I was expecting him to offer to pay the rent, at least. I mean he had bragged about his job and big income and setting me up in a place to stay. So when he said he was thinking about a couple hundred a month, I froze. My heart dropped down to my toes. He immediately knew he messed up and said he could do more, yada, yada.

I don't even know why I got off into telling about my story. I think I was pointing how I treated my H. I was cold and secretive. I did not give him near enough credit to notice anything was different about me. I certainly didn't give him enough credit to run the computer history and read the messaging between OM and myself......and see some pictures I had posted, or research the OM. I think my H suffered a light heart attack as a result of reading what had transpired. What happened to his W? This was a woman he did not know! He had M a good Christian girl, who was seen as this proper, supportive, loving W.......in the public eye. He later told me he thought he had a light attack, and he already had heart trouble, so it's a wonder it didn't kill him for real. His health took a dive and he hasn't been the same since. Not only do I blame myself for that, but we had had a trust that was pure, and we both treasured it. Apparently, I didn't treasure it enough. I wasn't even considering any of that stuff, once I was caught up in the affair fog.

So anyway, every WW is a bit different in her individual story. However, there is core line that seems to link wayward W's together, and that is usually what I can spot pretty quickly. The signs of disrespect for her H, the resentment coming out in various forms, and the rebellion shown in various forms and degrees. Years before I finally stepped over into la-la land, I could get b'tchy, hostle, go cold for days, gripe about his family being priority over me and the kids, etc. I would tell him over and over what I needed from him in our MR. But he would shut down and it was like talking to a stone wall. In time, I felt as if my insides were dead. I had been very depressed for a long time when I got caught up playing games on line. I was bored and looking for something as a distraction, but I seriously never thought about an innocent game leading to other things. That was ignorance on my part, I suppose.

Anyway, your W is younger, there are no kids in the MR, so most of her focus is on you........even though she has OM on the side just for kicks. You seem to be her physical target b/c it's just the two of you. It might be her nature to be a little bossy, IDK. That's not to say she can't tame it. I believe the core issue in your MR is the fact she is the breadwinner and she sees you being dependent upon her. She is not handeling this with grace & poise. She acts as if it gives her right to lord over you. It gives her certain entitlements and expectations from the non-working spouse. She loses sight of your goal, which is earning your Master's Degree in Education, and she begins seeing you as lazy and freeloading. (Remember, her mindset is all about what she wants). She decides if she's going to support you, then you need to earn your keep by treating her like a queen when she comes home. And to make sure you don't get lazy, she is going to assign certain projects to your "to do" list. She gets more & more controlling, wanting to know how you spent every part of the day. She begins to think you should give an account to her........even ask her if you can do certain things.......b/c her mindset is getting more & more out of balance and the waywardness is taking over. When it takes over, she operates out of her selfish emotions, instead of that part of her brain that has logic and reasoning.

Everything is about her and how it makes her feel. Currently, she feels no sexual attraction for you, so she tells you that she doesn't think you should sleep together. She feels in charge of the home, the relationship, and the H. So, that's how she is going to behave, as if she is in charge. She gets something out of it, or she would change her style. Perhaps it gives her a sense of satisfaction to tell you to fix her dinner and serve her plate, or run up the stairs to take her something.......but there is a selfish motivation behind it all. She practically told off on herself in that phone conversation when she said she wanted others (meaning you) to return favors to her. She sees bringing home the bacon as her big favor to you, and the least you could do is return it by catering to her. What she fails to realize is how that dynamic robs her respect for you, b/c she has placed herself in this phoney self entitled position over her H........so she lacks honest appreciation when he fixes her plate and takes to her, or drives her to work, etc. When she has that mode of self entitlement, she can't appreciate your efforts. Make sense? So, she bears down harder, demanding (in her own special ways), and becomes more manipulative. If one card doesn't win the hand, she play the next one. What you saw in the conversation with her, was her playing you. She's good at it. Very sly, I might add. But she's young, and I saw right through her. She twisted things around by acting hurt (and acting, she was) b/c she had an agenda to quickly get you back under her control.

I told you that you had set yourself back, but you can quickly catch up to speed again. Set realist goals. Write them out here, and if you need help, you know I am here to offer it if you want it. Set some short term goal, then have some longer term goals. We can talk about them and what you can do to reach those goals. Start with just three to five goals, before spending too much time on thinking it through. Write them out here and let's take a look. If you are on the right goal setting track, then you can make as many as you want. Make the goals for the only person you control.

Don't let feelings of defeat make you throw in the towel. Okay? Every newcomer experiences it b/c he is having to learn a lot of new ways of interacting with his WW.

((hugs))