I haven't posted in a while, but I do still try and keep up with everyone's sitch as best as I can.
Things in my world are so up and down....and it is draining.
H and I are still in the same house, but continue to sleep in separate rooms. Zero affection or intimacy. We spend time together, but it usually is only for a limited time, usually dinner or taking the dogs for a walk once or twice a week. I feel myself pulling further and further away. I have been continuing to look for places to move into. It is hard because I need a place with a yard because I will be taking the dogs. and owners in my area just do not want pets in their places.
Today H decided to take the morning off, and it was one of my days off as well. He asked me to go and have brunch, but I wasn't feeling it. We chatted for a bit about nonsense and then went outside. Had superficial conversations about the weather and the squirrels. We ended up back inside and then he started talking.
He said he knows he is "playing a game" and hoping for a certain outcome or trying to win, but also knows he is not making the right decisions to better his life. And, that the reason he is doing this is because he is "getting something out of not making those decisions" and "what he is choosing to do or not to do is somehow working for him." He apologized for that and understands that it must be very hard on me. When he says things like that it all sounds good, but then afterwards he doesn't follow through when he says he will do something.
He asked me if I knew what this next weekend was. The 19th is our wedding anniversary. He asked me if I would like to go and celebrate. Honestly I could not believe he asked me that. I told him I had not thought about doing anything, and I was not sure why he wanted to "celebrate" because we don't have anything to celebrate. He then proceeds to say "well, we are still married so I thought you would like to do something to celebrate the day we exchanged our vows." REALLY?????
Let me back up a minute.........a few weeks ago I told H that I was going to be moving out as soon as I found a place. He wants me to have a relationship with his parents and I am not interested in making them a priority right now because I feel that they owe me an apology and I know I will never get it from them. They have never even acknowledged that fact that he cheated, or even had a conversation about it and it has been 2 1/2 years since BD. His father wanted H to basically punish me by having him do things to hurt me financially and emotionally. If I remember correctly HE is the one who cheated, not me, but I am supposed to be the one who is punished for it???
Going back to our conversation.............I changed the subject, but we still spoke about family. They are having some sort of family drama and his father is trying to control what H says or does in regard to it. His control has been an issue for some time.
We continued speaking about his parents.....things escalated and I told him that he is making the decision to bring his parents into our relationship, something that is none of their business. I also mentioned that he and I may not even survive this marriage, so why is he so adamant about me having a relationship with them. I said we should be working on us first, then deciding if it is in the best interest of our marriage to bring family into it.
In the end, he decided that he could not move forward with our marriage because of the lack of relationship between me and his parent......so basically he chose his parents over our marriage. So, I asked him if he would please start the process of doing what he needed to do so that we could get divorced. He just sat there and looked at me....almost like he was in shock.
He later had to go to work. Naturally we had not spoken for a few hours, and as he was leaving, he comes over to me and says "I'm going to work now." I just looked at him and said "why are you telling me this? He said "I don't know, I just want you to know where I will be." OMG!!!!!!
He came home from work later in the evening and was trying to make conversation with me. Telling me what he bought at the grocery store, and that he had to fill his truck up with gas. Why is he doing this?? How does a person say "I don't want to be married anymore" and then try to make small talk with you?!?!?!
This man needs help. He is so confused and I am so beyond wanting to help him. But I also know I cant help him.
I am so exhausted and my emotions are all over the place lately. I need to change the focus to me.
