Affair discovered

[STH17]

Thanks rminer, your advice sounds difficult to follow, but I am willing to do it. I've had all those knives in my heart too. That's a real literal pain in the heart too. Feeling it right now. I will go rock climbing tonight, and not go home early. I am meeting my therapist tomorrow morning. I'm always frustrated that those sessions are only one hour long. I've got issues for days! I do think they help though.

mtb1981, I am going to hold off on your advice. The spending is an extremely sensitive issue which I feel foolish waiting until now to talk about it, but still don't feel confident enough to have that conversation with her now. I can't control her spending any more than I can control her having an affair, right? Finances have seemed to be a conflict too large to talk about without risking instant meltdown. She still believes I have hurt her and it would show her "I haven't changed" if I ask her to spend less. I have three months of spending history as proof that what she is doing is unfair though. Even if I was making the income I'd have if I was graduated and working full-time, if she continued her same spending there would only be a tenth that amount left for me to spend. And that's not even allowing me to save for things that are important to me, like retirement and my son's education. So yeah I know the spending is a problem and needs to stop somehow, but I don't see an immediate solution to that which I can implement without regret. I might also mention however that she has had her own private checking account she opened a year ago for herself and apparently is only saving that money for her escape. Which I don't understand, because she could have left any time already with the amount of money she spent on clothes and cosmetics and hobbies.

There's more to this spending story but I need to go home now and watch my son while my wife goes to her workout class. I'm suspicious of that class too. I haven't told her I want to go rock climbing tonight yet. I will tell her when I get home. I don't want to make it easy for her to plan ahead for my absence. Is that manipulative on my part? Or not letting go enough?