Anyway....back on topic. 44, going along with what sandi wrote, wives want their husbands to lead. When we detach, GAL and start leading my example they take notice no matter what they might be involved with at the time. Addressing her A will be seen as pursuit and control. At the proper time you will be able to address it prior to moving to R if that ends up being a possibility.
I'm failing to understand how revealing the A is seen as "controlling" on behalf of the LBS?
If he starts to add contingencies - "if you don't leave-then type stuff," or "I'm only interested in fixing things if...-, then yes, absolutely it's controlling! But if he reveals and walks out?
Revealing at the right time is so key. Revealing when he's truly ready to "drop the rope" will only help him in his sitch. Revealing at a time when he's feeling good about the work he's doing and knows he'll be okay either way is the absolute catalyst to either recon or walking your own path.
Lets get real, here: We're talking about a 19yo OM. There is no way in hell this pans out on her end.
He needs to continue to GAL and become a strong man again. When he's ready to walk, he walks and lets her sit in her mess.
Revealing that he knew about the A after the fact is so, so weak.
Revealing and then walking gives HIM BACK CONTROL OVER HIS LIFE. It give him a reason to fully detach, at least, that's how it was for me.
I was lucky. I suspected an A but didn't find out until I had already done a ton of work on me. Finding out allowed me to take the next step and declare my desire to walk away. I didn't "lose it;" I told her that I knew about OM, I knew where she had been and where she would be going the next day, and told her I'd be contacting a L in the morning, but until we figured everything out, I was happy with the current arrangement (living in separate rooms). She talked about how she didn't want this, and I left. I went and got some air and didn't come back for a good long while. When I got home, she tried to put it back on me and I was having none of it. I told her I wasn't happy, either, but I didn't go out one do that. She broke down then.
I had put her on such a pedestal for so long, it was only then that we regained any balance. We are still together and equal partners, but the difference is that I know how to stand up for myself now.
