Went to the casino today, ran into my dad. My M and him go once a week, they're retired and it's their entertainment. At one point while I was walking around my diamond tennis bracelet fell off and luckily I saw it and put it back on. Well I'm driving home this afternoon and the bracelet is not on my wrist! I was half way home, it's about an hour drive and that there's no way I'm going to find it as it could have fallen off anywhere. My H gave it to me for our second Xmas together about ten years ago. I don't know that H even notices that I wear it, so I'll wait till he says something...I loved that bracelet!
Tonight was just another night in the MLC world. Everything was okay, we had dinner. H did try to button push. He says to me are you going to be gone tomorrow so that I can move out? To which I respond "do you want me to be?" and I think he quietly replied "no" He then asks if I talked to an A today, I said "should I have" and he didn't respond.
I told H I had to run to Wal-mart, but S wanted to stay home if his D was staying home, but H said I think we'll all go. We went to Wal-mart, I needed a new windshield wiper blade which H got for me while I picked out a few other items. Went to DQ and had ice cream, came home. H was putting wiper fluid in his truck and said I'll fill yours, too! I've had the car almost a year and I didn't know where the lever was under the hood to open it!
We watched CSI, S didn't nap today so was very whiny and it just drives me insane at times. S was whining and fake crying and started laughing even he thought he was being ridiculous--overtired.
H has been home every night this week--which is interesting I think. He hasn't been to the bar all week, in fact since last Wednesday night..hmmmm. Oh I take that back he stopped for a few on Sunday evening.
I have plans to golf tomorrow if it doesn't rain. I'm going to purchase my bible tomorrow (holdingon finally and then a friend invited me for margaritas and chips from 5 - 7 tomorrow night. Saturday I'm going to try to visit a friend who just had her baby. SS20 is coming over on Saturday, also. I'm not sure what's up for Mother's day either. I'd like to go to the sneak preview of Kate Hudson's new movie..it's Mother's Day afterall, I should be able to do what I want to do..hmmm...maybe I could talk my sis and SIL into going with me...just a thought for now.
I have been reading the Power of Praying Woman, doing lots of reflecting, soul searching, learning more and more about the Lord every day. Things on the homefront have settled down some...for now. Am working on moving my expectations from this world to the Lord. I do feel closer to the Lord in the last few days.
During our talking on Sunday I called H a drunk and a loser and that he and OW deserved each other. I forgot to mention this as I'm not too proud of myself for saying it H brought it up a little later in our convo and said something like "you said I was a drunk" sounding very hurt. I don't remember if I said I was sorry or not, but I did say that I noticed his drinking had slowed down considerably in the last few weeks.
My H is changing whether he realizes it or not, I can see it, I can notice things. I've totally back off from H, am not going to initiate at least for now. When I was bending over trying to see how to open the car hood H was standing behind me "acting as if" if you catch my drift..lol...
It's great to see how busy you are keeping yourself. Your H has to notice how strong and confident you are while he is doing his MLC thing. He's got to wonder how you are holding it together.
I can tell that God is sustaining you!!! Isn't it amazing what you can do with God's help?
Quote: When I was bending over trying to see how to open the car hood H was standing behind me "acting as if" if you catch my drift..lol...
My H USED to do the same thing! So I know what you mean.
I too see a few changes in your H, probably brought on by the fact that he sees a change in you. you're detaching and backing off, giving him space. And you're not playing into his hands, when he starts his little "acts" to push your buttons.
I think you are going to find that the new path your are on, just may wake your H up. Him not going out shows he is curious to what "you" are up to. Does he now see; he could loose you? Keep doing what you are doing, I believe it just may work. I also like the fact that you answer his questions with a question; PERFECT! LOL I love it!
You know I'm just really getting tired of H's games and/or his testing me or whatever his purpose maybe by saying stupid stuff like he does. It is getting very old and fast.
I met my Sis for lunch today and while I was sitting in my car waiting for her it "clicked" for me that I was making my H into a God. I was putting my expectations, my hopes, my dreams, everything into/onto my H. For days I've been trying to figure this out and was wondering why I didn't obsess about other people in my life like I do with my H. How what he says to me, how he acts can have such a dramatic effect on my moods, feelings, my feelings about MYSELF, etc. when it should not! And now it's beginning to make sense. I have much more to process and to think about, but I think I'm on my way to putting all of my trust, faith and expectations into the Lord where they should be rather than a person in my life. Oh happy day.
I did pick up a bible today at Sam's, yeah me!:) My Sis was with me and kind of was giving me a hard time about it. I asked her if she had ever read the bible and she said "yeah" but a little later changed her tune. She was brought up the same way I was, that God should be feared, was judgmental, it's the way the nuns and the priest at our school were--mean! The priest drank and was just a mean priest to be feared. Anyway, I said well when things happen in your life you gotta beleive there's something bigger out there. We didn't get into a whole detailed discussion, but I wonder if I got her thinking?
Go Cathy! Now the Lord can really start speaking to you!! He loves to do it through his Word. What a revelation about your H... I'm going to have to think about that myself.
You can start at Genesis, it's pretty good but you might start in the New Testament... read some Psalms. Go Cathy!!
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Cathy....I getting wonderful chills catching up on your posts. You are really discovering what does make the difference....and that would be GOD! You are shifting your thoughts and obsessing into the lighted path. You go....Give it to Him.
Your H might just start to see that light shining through you....if he's lucky! Keep taking good care of YOU. Take time to be quiet once each day and listen to what God is telling you. That's my new goal....and it seems to be working.
The last three days have been very enlightening. With three days of vacation or as I'm calling it a sabbatical/retreat into myself, with no H and S at daycare, I've had lots of time for me. Selfish maybe, but I need that every once in awhile, it makes me a better person and better mom.
In thinking back even further I've put my expectations in other people most of my life and with that came lots of disappointment. I've also blamed myself, been ashamed of some of things I did while in my teen years, THE looking for love in all the wrong places..when it was 50/50 at that time, too, which never occured to me until today.
I spent a lot of my 20's finding myself and not till my early 30's did I finally decide I wanted to get married, up until then I wasn't really interested. I liked my freedom and my independence. My H was my first serious love at the age of 33! I married for the first time at the ripe old age of 37. I had my first child at the age of 41, I'm a late bloomer in lots of areas. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised that I'm finally figuring other things out about my life at this time.
If I put my expectations into the Lord, let Him know my hearts desires, if I let Him guide me, I believe he will guide me to happiness and a new R/M with my H. In my heart I know something good is out there waiting for me, either my H will be that "better" once he's completed his crisis and if H isn't that person, than someone else or maybe just life! It will be good no matter what.
Quote: You are shifting your thoughts and obsessing into the lighted path. You go....Give it to Him.
Mooka..I'm working on it, I can feel the shifting inside, it's not a total shift yet, but it's just a matter of time. It is a physical feeling, too, nothing overpowering and I can't really describe it either..kind of like a little jolt of electricity as it would feel through a number of thick towels or maybe more of a sensation, I just can't find the words,but it is a feeling.
The last three days have been very enlightening. With three days of vacation or as I'm calling it a sabbatical/retreat into myself, with no H and S at daycare, I've had lots of time for me. Selfish maybe, but I need that every once in awhile, it makes me a better person and better mom.
In thinking back even further I've put my expectations in other people most of my life and with that came lots of disappointment. I've also blamed myself, been ashamed of some of things I did while in my teen years, THE looking for love in all the wrong places..when it was 50/50 at that time, too, which never occured to me until today.
I spent a lot of my 20's finding myself and not till my early 30's did I finally decide I wanted to get married, up until then I wasn't really interested. I liked my freedom and my independence. My H was my first serious love at the age of 33! I married for the first time at the ripe old age of 37. I had my first child at the age of 41, I'm a late bloomer in lots of areas. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised that I'm finally figuring other things out about my life at this time.
If I put my expectations into the Lord, let Him know my hearts desires, if I let Him guide me, I believe he will guide me to happiness and a new R/M with my H. In my heart I know something good is out there waiting for me, either my H will be that "better" once he's completed his crisis and if H isn't that person, than someone else or maybe just life! It will be good no matter what.
Quote: You are shifting your thoughts and obsessing into the lighted path. You go....Give it to Him.
Mooka..I'm working on it, I can feel the shifting inside, it's not a total shift yet, but it's just a matter of time. It is a physical feeling, too, when I'm finally getting it or feel that the Lord is revealing something to me for the first time. Nothing overpowering and I can't really describe it either..kind of like a little jolt of electricity as it would feel through a number of thick towels or maybe more of a sensation, I just can't find the words. Does anyone here know what I'm talking about???
Ohhhh Cathy....you are "getting it"...that's so apparant!
Quote: If I put my expectations into the Lord, let Him know my hearts desires, if I let Him guide me, I believe he will guide me to happiness and a new R/M with my H. In my heart I know something good is out there waiting for me, either my H will be that "better" once he's completed his crisis and if H isn't that person, than someone else or maybe just life! It will be good no matter what.
This is EXACTLY where my thoughts have been as of late. God knows....we've got to trust Him....we will one day look back at this experience and really "GET IT!!" I just know that is true. Of course we're hopeful it's sooner than later....whatever.
I ASK God to help me give it to Him, cuz that part it hard too. I'm good at talking the talk....but deep in my quiet times, often I know I haven't given it to Him fully. It's a daily effort, but I know deep in my heart it is entirely worth it.
Thinking of you a lot....you're in my prayers too.
Mooka
P.S. I am leaving town tomorrow afternoon and may not check emails for a week. I'll be back next Thurs night.
I was half way home, it's about an hour drive and that there's no way I'm going to find it as it could have fallen off anywhere. 
My H gave it to me for our second Xmas together about ten years ago. I don't know that H even notices that I wear it, so I'll wait till he says something...I loved that bracelet!
To which I respond "do you want me to be?" and I think he quietly replied "no" He then asks if I talked to an A today, I said "should I have" and he didn't respond. 
finally and then a friend invited me for margaritas and chips from 5 - 7 tomorrow night. Saturday I'm going to try to visit a friend who just had her baby. SS20 is coming over on Saturday, also. I'm not sure what's up for Mother's day either. I'd like to go to the sneak preview of Kate Hudson's new movie..it's Mother's Day afterall, I should be able to do what I want to do..hmmm...maybe I could talk my sis and SIL into going with me...just a thought for now.
at least for now. When I was bending over trying to see how to open the car hood H was standing behind me "acting as if" if you catch my drift..lol... 