Affair discovered

[STH17]

Not an encouraging way to start here with a disappearing post . I cant retype it all so I will try a shorter version.

My wife has been unhappy and wanting a divorce for at least a couple years now. Besides just unhappy with marriage she has been depressed, especially after the birth of our son. I responded badly to her depression, wishing she would just not be depressed. I did not understand what she was going through, and I was not a safe person for her to share herself with. When she did try to share, I reacted with anger and defensiveness instead of compassion and understanding. I did not validate her feelings, and did not even know what that meant until I was shown by example from our marriage counselor we saw for a couple months at the end of 2017. We went on a Retrouvaille retreat in March of 2017, and that almost saved our marriage but my wife had wounds that were too deep and I did not yet understand the depths of those wounds or what the real problems in our marriage were.

So now she has found someone else I think she feels safe with, and I am in a very dark place thinking I have done irreparable harm to my wife and our marriage. I have not confronted her about the affair, and do not think I can because she will only see my snooping as another reason not to trust me. I read a message on her phone two weeks ago that flared up my anxiety about the possibility of her having an affair. I never even thought an affair could be a possibility before reading that message though, even as broken as our marriage was. And now I am having a difficult time stopping myself from snooping more. The pain I am experiencing now I realize is what my wife felt when she was in depression. I did not understand her feelings then, and now that I am feeling the same inability to sleep, eat, or function at all in daily life, I do not know how I ever could have understood how bad this feels without feeling it myself.

Put in first post that disappeared

Keep Posting - Cadet