[s]No[/s] affair, no feelings...is there hope? III

[sandi2]

She initiated a talk today about her feelings being hurt because she saw I had bought a few things for my workout class and hadn't asked if she wanted some as well.

I assume you have access to see the balance in the banking account. How could she be "hurt" that you bought something for yourself? I think she just wants the control.

You: I didn't realize we were playing, "Mother, may I".

It was an awesome opportunity for validation because she was seriously upset and told me how she feels so selfless and thoughtful of other people all the time and others don't return the favor

(Excuse me while I choke). Did you say validation? The little hypocrite just told you how selfless and thoughtful of other people she was all the time. Poor little thing, nobody returns the favor. Man, can she twist things around! Guess that shows how she counts all the times you did stuff for her, huh?

She made it clear it wasn't a personal thing to do with me, she just felt sad and left out by these types of incidents and the workout stuff was an example.

You will eventually learn your first and middle names are Nobody and Somebody. It had EVERYTHING to do with you! Truth is, it had everything to do with her control. That is what you have to see.

After all the validation of her feelings, I asked her how I can help her not feel that way but also not have to ask her every time I do or buy anything

I am going to be sick. After all your hard work, you played right into her manipulating hands. Listen very carefully, b/c I kguys'll lot of betrayed guys are big to jump on the validation truck. Especially men with NGS. You have to be very careful validating the feelings of a WW. There are sevral reasons why, but for now I'll tell you it's how she interprets you validating her. She sees you being soft and able to be manipulated. In some cases she sees you as kissing up. Her feelings are wayward, which include resentment, disrespect, selfishness, and many other wrong things. Hearing her does not mean you agree with her, and she should not confuse the two, and neither should you. Most times, her feelings are directed at you......and that's when I have problem in validating a wayward W. Of course, like most people on the board, you don't actually report what you said to validate. You just say you validated. It could have been a uh-huh, for all I know. Just remember that she doesn't think, feel, or behave rationally......so how can she interpret your validation logically? Therefore, unless you are a naturally gifted validator, like Another Stander or Wonka (and very, very few are), I suggest you not seek awesome opportunities to validate a selfish, entitled, manipulative, cheating WW.......until you get your bearings a whole lot better than they are currently. It's not just you that I see this scenario played over & over again, where the H is so focused on a chance to validate, that he doesn't appear to recognize how she manipulated or disrespected him.

She said it doesn't have to be always, just if it makes sense and seems like something she would like, I could think of her too.

She meant, just when it makes sense to HER! Not the normal person, just HER, but wasn't it nice that she said it didn't have to be always (which she did not mean, whatsoever).

She mentioned how she had told me she was interested in joining my workout class when she is back working normal schedules if I didn't mind, and that's why maybe I could have thought of asking if she wanted me to order some stuff for her as well.

And there you have it. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Just feels like some major mixed signals or she is throwing me whole loaves of bread (not just crumbs). Who wants to chat on the phone for over an hour with the H they don't want?

What? No, it's not mixed signals or loaves of bread at all. She intends to control you. She set out to manipulate you to wait on her hand & foot when she gets back home, and to join your workout group. Those are the only things you have stood your ground and she meant to undo them......and she did. You played right into her hands.

I am going to give some temporary anti-DB advice......in order to help you get stronger. Stop thinking about her feelings. B/c it scr@ws with your mind. Stop trying to validate her feelings, b/c it scr@ws with your mind. Once your balls have completely developed, then you can evaluate things and see if you can afford to consider her feelings! She has carried your b@lls in her purse so long that you can't interact like an alpha male. Currently, you just set yourself backwards, and will have to work twice as hard to set it straight again. This is not a WAW. She is wayward, through and through. She is among the most self-entitled, manipulative, & controlling type of women you could have for a W. Sometimes you might be able to see a little of it, but I don't think you are aware to the degree. Once you have big b@lls.....things will change and she will respect you, instead of controlling you. Don't worry, if others can change, you can too.

Just tell her you've thought it over and don't agree the things she had to say. The things she expressed doesn't have anything to do with other people not doing her favors, but everything to do with how she wants to control you (yes tell her this part, too). You don't agree with how she sees you checking with her before buying a few things for yourself. Neither will you be catering to her, b/c that is going to stop. And you don't want her joining your workout group. Don't explain, or give excuses. It is your observation that it hasn't brought much appreciation or respect from her. A man should not have to ask his W if he can do something. And, he should be able to have a few activities without her. You can tell her now, and let her get over it while she's on her trip, or tell her when she gets back. Either way, you are going to have to stand up to her when showdown comes.
You never said, so I assumed you never had that talk before she left on the trip.