Afraid of the dark

[Ste7e]

OK I am starting a new thread as my old one is almost full and I want to keep a different focus here.

The quick and dirty is I was extremely depressed from my own MLC and dealing with the death of several family members. I got Fat and after a good 7 years together W and I started arguing last Nov. She BD me late Jan and I acted like a cry baby and opened my eyes to my faults. She moved out end of Feb saying we would do counseling and after a month of no contact one of the pets got sick and died and she came over to help. While here She said she didn't want to do counseling and wanted a D. I didn't see her for another month but there was pursuing behavior and ILY during that time from me. She initiated a meeting we had a very nice night but it ended in her wanting to fast track the D. I stated my stance ILY and not wanting a D and validated otherwise even saying I was proud of her for doing the work on herself which was the only thing I got a positive response from. She claims no EA/PA and is just focused on her spiritual development...and wants to remain friends but can't have a romantic relationship with me. But is encouraging me to continue to work on myself. I started seeing a shrink,I am no longer suffering from depression and generalized anxiety, started an emotional 12 step program, go to yoga 5 times a week, cut out sugar and fried foods, I have lost 35lbs since she left and have begun looking for work after 3 years! But it doesn't appear that she has taken any notice of these things oh well I feel great so no worries!

That pretty much gets us caught up and where I want to go from here is to track my experience going completely dark with a daily journal to keep myself occupied when I feel overwhelmed. Feel free to come along for the ride or not. I realized that I need to stop pursuing and more so stop expecting and focus on me.

Day #1 of darkness began yesterday, W came by Sun to sort the rest of her possessions from mine and her parents are coming by to get them this coming weekend. I have chosen to leave town for the weekend and go hang out with friends. I am quite proud of myself for the exchange on Sun I left soon after she arrived and avoided all confrontation in an emotionally charged situation. I was not going to take the bait...even if the bait was coming from inside me. I felt yesterday was a good place to start my voyage into darkness as I had said everything I needed to say the previous week and am ready to DB fulltime and open the birdcage.
Well day 1 was horrible I didn't get much sleep the night before on the phone with a buddy til 3am. I thought I was going to skip yoga but ended up going afterall which was good for me. I had a job interview midday which was not the right fit and was in my old career field which having burned out on started my MLC 3 years ago. I came home and looked for more jobs but found I didn't have experience and felt trapped, same cycle as start of MLC. I had a full breakdown in the kitchen and ended up in a ball crying for an hour. I felt like I had nowhere and no one to turn to so I just cried it out. I ended up calling my dad and talking to him about work options to bring me happyness. He is a great resource as he is the king of detachment and has been through 3 marriages. He was very helpful and encouraged me to look for things at an entry level and just begin a new path in life. Went to a meeting and was asleep by 10.
Proud of myself for not reaching out to W even though I was hurting like nothing ever before. Proud of myself for instead of sinking into a pity party got back to the work of rebuilding my life for me.

Today was day 2 went to Yoga, had a work call with a buddy who is working on a writing project with me ate lunch mowed the yard, got on here going to make dinner take a bath watch some tv and call it a day. Today has been much better didn't really think about W much. I am anxious to get out of town though as I do better not thinking about her when I am engaged and away... and only have 36 more hours til I'm on the road...I can do that, I can do one day at a time just need to stay in this day.