These are all valid points. Thank you for that. I am trying not to waste time on feeling guilty, as I don't believe it is a productive emotion. One thing I am getting better at is seeing myself less as a victim and more accountable for my own choices, even if they are in response to the fallout of our sitch. I can't dwell on the poor choices that I am not proud of, but I do feel stronger and more motivated to make better ones. I think enough time has gone by now that the triggers no longer rattle me and derail my thinking. I acknowledge them, allow the feelings briefly, and then move on. I just needed time to get here.

I recall reading here 4 years ago that this was a marathon and not a sprint and that makes sense to me now. In hindsight, so much of the way things unfolded makes sense to me now. I couldn't see it clearly while it was happening. All of this just takes time. I recall in the beginning that I would try and follow Sandi's rules and reread them every day. I failed often. I kept trying to evaluate if they were having an affect but couldn't. The reality is that they did have a huge effect! I just wasn't equipped with a measuring stick. It also took time for the cumulative affect to finally break the camels back.

Blu

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela