Well things are never dull around your place - that's for sure.
Your H is really struggling. But you need to let him struggle and be supportive without enabling him or getting caught up in it. This is about him and his unhappiness - it is not about you. You are a kind, generous and caring spouse who has put up with more than her share of heartache and pain.
He does have to hit bottom before he can begin the climb back up. Someone mentioned calling the cops to let them pull him over leaving the bar. You know, this is very thought provoking. As he gets near the bottom, the last thing you want is for him to get hurt or hurt someone else. There may need to be some type of catalyst needed to make him seek help. Don't rule out giving things a gentle nudge - but you will know what type of nudge is the right one for your situation.
I don't have experience with alcoholism, but maybe Akgal or others will offer their insights. I know it is his battle, but there are others (you and S4) involved.
You amaze me with your patience, your resolve to not give up and your ability to have a life outside of his drama. Keep up the faith and the strength will continue to follow.
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
I am so glad you've been my friend and support, you've helped me to you know.
Yesterday afternoon I got a call from H about 3ish asking me if I'd pick up S? I said sure, that's fine. H says okay, thanks, bye and that was it! Whatever. Of course, my mind is assuming this and that..but let it go.
Pick up S, eat dinner, go to my parents for a bit and am getting back in the car at my parents and there's a missed message from my H. I didn't call him back or anything, but arrived home about the same time he did.
Didn't ask him where he was, SS20 called and talked to his dad for awhile. SS20 wanted to talk to S4 and S4 thought it was my sister and SS20 heard that..and disquised his voice to sound like a girl and S4 fell for it until I told S4 it was his "brother" to which S4 got the biggest smile on his face. He loves his big brother!
H was in an okay mood last night, we talked a bit. H was in the basement getting his fishing stuff ready for his tournament this Saturday.
H was changing the oil in his crane, that's why he was late--I didn't ask. H volunteered the info.
We went to bed, was going to lay by H and he kind of pushed me away, so I said good night, H said good night back and we went to sleep.
I'm trying not to ask too much of H this week, letting him come to me. Not questioning or pushing on anything, keeping silent.
God bless you girl, I'm so envious of you and the way you handle things. I'm going to hijack just a sec. H left a message on ans. machine that he was going to drop off mail, I got home 5 min after the message, so I called him back to let him know that I would be home and not to leave it on the lanai. When he got to house, after some comment about it being just magazines, he said how are you. I clipped back "fine". He gave me the onceover. (I had on a dress and heels - rare) How's your new job. I clipped back "fine". Of course to that he just shrugged and started to walk away. I then said "What do you want me to say H". He kept on walking. I can't be nice to him it seems - I guess the emotions are still too raw. Sorry Cathy I had to talk to someone.
I'm praying for all us to handle this as God wants us to. I need a lot of prayers.
Mary
"God, help me keep my head up, my heart open, and know I'll always be guided along the path."
Thanks for stopping by my thread - I wasn't sure if I had offended you with my post last night. I have learned so much by following your thread and was a bit worried that I had said too much.
But I also feel that you and I know each other well enough that you would let me know if I did - you would - wouldn't you?
Your rollercoaster ride continues - or I guess that of your H on which you are a passenger.
Your SS sounds wonderful. What a great role model to your S4. It's nice that your S4 has a male like that in his life. How much of your H's behavior when he is drinking does your S4 pick up on? Did SS live with this as well or has H's problem gotten worse in recent years?
I hope you are able to get out on the links this weekend. We had 90 degrees today, so I guess you will have it tomorrow huh? Unless you are just getting the rain...
Well, hang in there and look forward to your night out with the girls on Sat. With my schedule the next few days I probably won't get here unless it is just to lurk or late night again. See my thread to understand...I also answered your questions for your last post.
Have a good one!
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
My H’s drinking has slowed down considerably these last few weeks. The last two Saturday nights that he has been out, I ASSumed that’s where he was headed, but I don’t know for sure that he is actually drinking. Usually you can smell the smoke or the alcohol on his body and clothes, but I don’t notice that. At this point I’m not ready to do anything about it either. I’m not excusing H’s behavior not making light of it, but there are people who drive drunk every day, who drive drunk all of their lives and nothing ever happens to them, nor are they ever stopped. If I did an “intervention” or something like that I don’t know that I could live with myself…I’m not ready to effect someone’s life that way at this point.
H was drinking last night, had a retirement party for a co-worker…I hope I’m not stereotyping too much, but construction workers are drinkers. H came home and of course after drinking wants to I must admit he is very loving when he's like that. Even some passionate kissing H rarely kisses me anymore while
Maybe this is just me, but I think H is thinking a little more about his behavior, that he waits till after S is in bed to come home. In the last month I think there has been only one time that S has seen him after a few.
Even the last few Saturday nights, he has COME home. I have no idea where he goes or where he's been, but he does COME home to me.
I notice that I’ve been on the BB a year come Sunday. It’ll be four months since my H moved home and almost 13 months since I started looking at who I was, what I needed to change, what I wanted to change to become a better ME oh yeah and 13 months since the bomb . Last night I was thinking about the “act as if” attitude we’re schooled in on the BB is not so much of an “act” anymore. It’s me! Wow!
H is moving out, we're getting a D, it's over. I posted a huge long post and it "f'in disappaered! Poured my heart and soul out and it's gone.
It started out this morning when S was helping me put clothes away and pulled a dresser over on himself. H came running into the bedroom and pulled the dresser off of son and called me "f'in moron of a mom" in front of our S. I felt so bad for ours son, laying there under the dresser, S was fine. H said he was moving out. I said okay. H said again I'm moving out, I said okay.
Went shopping came back H said he was moving out, he just decided and he's moving in with OW. Well people I'm sick of hearing this, told our S3 that daddy is moving out and then S3 got all sad, thought his dad hated him and eventually S went outside to play.
And so we talked then...
He's not happy, feels he's here just for S. No feelings for me, he feels nothing, blah, blah...feelings for OW. So if he has feelings for her she could to her, what choice did he have. There was lots of crying by H and by me. H bawled at one point. He kept hoping I would agree with him and I wouldn't I said it has to be your decision, he has to decide. I didn't help at all. Other poeple are telling him this and that, I mean who are these other people anyway. Minnie I feel like my H and your H are lost brothers or something.
Said OW is pressuring him. She's depressed, won't eat, won't go out, leaves messages for him at all hours of the night. Was going to buy the house two doors down from our house behind H's back so that H could be closer to his S. I said "did she think you were going to move in with her then? H just shook his head. He's afraid she'll kill herself, I said she needs help get her to a doctor, everthing is on her, her H's death and now my H leaving her...I told H she'd get through it, she just has to deal with. She drives by our house, too which is scary I think. I said to H what if she takes our S--I mean really some people are wacky.
H keeps saying he's moving out and I keep saying fine. I told our S that his dad was moving out, S got all weepy and thought his daddy hated him. It's killing H to leave his S.
H and I were both standing in the kitchen and I looked at H and said "are you okay" I could tell H was starting to cry, I then went over and told him I was going to hug him and I didn't care if he hugged me back and he just cried, shoook. Then I started crying.
So he thinks by Ding and moving in with OW it will make him happy. H does have feelings for OW and thinks his only choice is to move out and in with OW. Even though he said he has no idea where that R is going either..
So I'm just as confused as H is at this point? I mean he acts like he wants to be here, yet says he doesn't, doesn't have feelings for me, we should never have gotten married...Minnnie...the same things your H said to you. Talked to a lawyer last week, also. Which I was kind of surprised about...so I'm going through the big D and I don't mean Dallas.
And Laurie Vinlad, you said that I would be able to tell H soon how I felt, the kind of R I wanted, that I wanted to be able to hug somebody freeling and love somebody and I told that to H today! How did you know that?
So I have no idea what to do. I'm ready to just move on, I don't know if I can take much more of this. Maybe this is the POINT where the spouse moves on and then the H returns later and it's too late. I'm so tired of this limbo. H thinks he knows what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling, he keeps saying "we this" and "we that" and I told him to put me in there that he doesnt' know know my feelings.
Well enough for now. I just don't know how much longer I can go on. H doesn't know when he's moving out either. Said OW doesn't know that he's doing this or thinking of doing this.
Why are these OW's so pathetic and desparete? They play our H's for all it's worth and my H feels soo guilty. I told H to go to her, for one thing I'm scared of what she may do to our S at this point, and maybe H will be better off with her.
I also yelled at H and that he was a loser and so was she and that they both belonged together. I later apologized for it.
H told me he's sorry for screwing up my life. I just shrugged and said yeah, so what.
At this point I'm relieved that this is all ending, that H has made his decision. Maybe this is the point where he's deciding, making his decisions and doing it, like it says in one of the stages of MLC. He thinks he can maybe be happy then....that's when he started to break down and cry.
So will replay end once he moves in with OW? Does MLC end? Does he get happy? Does MLC stall? What????
Lefty, I'm so sorry to hear this turn of events. However, I have been watching your situation very closely and I'm not surprised to hear him announce that he's moving out. I was calculating his move to be around June 1, but he's moving quicker than what I had estimated.
You have the right idea about not opening the door and pushing him out. He needs to make the decision to go himself. Listen, validate and do not argue w/him. His journey is starting to take off. He's going to be moodier and more argumentative during this confusing time of deciding whether to stay or go. Do not allow him to push your buttons, whereby you would kick him out.
In answer to your questions, replay will continue even after he moves in w/the ow. Replay will not end until his had resolved all of his childhood issues and has come to accept that he was not at fault for whatever damage was done to him as a child. The ow is a symptom of mlc. Mlc will not end until after he has reached acceptance and come back to earth. He still has replay, depression, withdrawal, and some anger to get through before acceptance is reached.
Does he get happy? The answer is he will wear a mask that will give the impression that he is happy. He will go through a stage of euphoria for a period of time after he moves in w/the ow. Once the euphoria is over, things will begin to tarnish for him. He will still be out there searching for the elusive happiness. There will come a time when he will drop the mask in front you, but I don't look for that to happen for a while. Mlc will not stall if you do not attempt to pull him out of the crisis. If you do pull him out, the mlc will stall and he will continue the crisis at a later time. That crisis will be much worse than the one he is going through now.
You should continue to focus on yourself and your son. Your son will need you now more than ever, as he is going to be very hurt and confused by all of this. Your son may even think he's to blame for his father leaving. Please reassure him otherwise.
I strongly suggest that you read HB's thread on the six stages of mlc. I have several good threads out there on mlc and childhood issues. It's now time for you to detach even more.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
H claims to have no childhood issues. This replay thing has been going on for well over a year, this will be about the fourth time he moves out and I don't know that I want him back.
I've about had enough and I want a chance at a happy life, too.
I'm sure he's at OW's right now telling her of his decision..at least that's where I'm assuming since he just ran to the post office over an hour ago.
I'm ready to go dark actually, no expectations, it's Cathy time. I did no wrong, H tried, but he admitted no feelings and what if they never come back? So if he leaves and I wait and he never comes back, then why should I wait. I'm tired of the games, tired of H being here putting me through all this crapp.
I'm just tired and I want a life that isn't so up and down up and down and where pain isn't a normal feeling. I want MY life back. I'm so sad and weepy and it's just not fair anymore.
I must admit he is very loving when he's like that. Even some passionate kissing 
H rarely kisses me anymore while 
. Last night I was thinking about the “act as if” attitude we’re schooled in on the BB is not so much of an “act” anymore. It’s me! Wow! 
