Hanging On (Saying ILY Pt. 3)

[Vanilla]

W sent me a text last night asking if the kids had any plans tonight. I think she's starting to realize she needs to make plans in advance instead of showing up on my door step randomly. I told her they didn't. She asked if she could take them to get ice cream. I said sure and asked what time. She asked when we would be having dinner so she could take them after that. I told her what time we were eating and she was more than welcome to eat with us if she wanted. Looking back, I wish I hadn't because she sent a text back saying I'm mean and hateful and she doesn't understand why I would invite her to dinner. I never responded after that. 2 hours later she sent me another text that consisted of "???", wanting a response from me. I still did not respond. I guess that was a mistake on my part, but I was just trying to be nice. I know the kids would have liked to have dinner with their mom. And I have no problem with her coming over at a planned time and being civil...

Please go admin on her, colloquially known as parallel parenting.

Have you thought of an online calendar? Such as my family wizard?

If you haven't researched it yet, look at BIFF responses. Brief informed friendly firm responses to texts, emails and letters.

You may find it helps, so WW, I really want you to see the kids, they are free Thursday after 6pm for ice cream. If I don't hear from you by Thursday at 9 am then we may make alternate plans. Or

I am making supper for the kids on Tuesday at 5:30 if you would like to bring ice cream for pudding. Can you let me know by text on xxxxxx xxxxxxx.

V

[SteveLW]

45 min bathroom trips smack of texting/messaging OM and even sharing pics or even doing "other" things. Could be drugs too, but definitely smacks of sexting.

[OrangeK]

45 min bathroom trips smack of texting/messaging OM and even sharing pics or even doing "other" things. Could be drugs too, but definitely smacks of sexting.

I agree Steve, i think that's much more likely than the drug use.
much more revolting IMO too.
Gross.

I called her out on it way back last year and i dont think she ever even gave an excuse. I asked "what do you do in the bathroom for 30min each day? are you ok?"

She just said, "nothing, im fine"

[mtb1981]

I actually hope my WW's behavior could be explained by something as simple as drug use.

I get why you would say that, because then you think you would know the reason for her waywardness, but I wouldn't wish this on anybody. The whole situation $ucks. W gave up everything to get high with OM. Sometimes I catch myself falling back into the old pattern of thinking I can convince her to get help, but I know it doesn't work. She has to want to get help herself, and she doesn't. Maybe someday she'll snap out of it, and maybe she won't. But I've got to move on and take care of myself and the kids. When her life turns into a dumpster fire, we don't need to be anywhere near it. It just $ucks having to let go of something that was so important to you, and not being able to do anything about it...

[OrangeK]

I get why you would say that, because then you think you would know the reason for her waywardness, but I wouldn't wish this on anybody. The whole situation $ucks. W gave up everything to get high with OM. Sometimes I catch myself falling back into the old pattern of thinking I can convince her to get help, but I know it doesn't work. She has to want to get help herself, and she doesn't. Maybe someday she'll snap out of it, and maybe she won't. But I've got to move on and take care of myself and the kids. When her life turns into a dumpster fire, we don't need to be anywhere near it. It just $ucks having to let go of something that was so important to you, and not being able to do anything about it...

At least that way i'd know for sure the source of her lunacy. With my WW its all boiling down to past trauma and emotional disorders. Something far less likely to cause her to want to get help.
My wife gave up everything to just be with OM, and after a scant 4 months of marriage. I would feel a lot better about MYSELF if i knew it was to fuel a drug habit and that if she were clean i MIGHT see my old wife back. That isnt going to happen for me, as i dont think she was actually using drugs, but shes a very good hider of secrets so i could still be on point with the drugs thing.
Only time will tell.

MTB, how is your WW handling all the public blowback from all of this? Seems like She didnt keep it out of the gossip mill, same as my wife.
Crappy cover up job, unless it was intentionally crappy to get the result i have, but based on my wifes need for approval by others i highly doubt this.

[mtb1981]

Orange, my wife has a lot of past trauma and most likely a personality disorder as well. I think the drug use is a coping mechanism to deal with those 2 main issues. So instead of childhood issues and mental disorders, I get the drug abuse for the WW trifecta.

As far as the public blowback, she has had to jump from social group to social group. People find out she's full of crap and lying, so they quit hanging out with her. I've had several people tell me that all she wants is attention and they got tired of it. They bought into her lies in the beginning, but eventually saw through them. The little click she's in now is with OM and his friends, and she's got them under her thumb. Has them convinced I've been abusing her for years. So I'm sure he feels like some sort of white knight, when in reality he's just white trash...

[mtb1981]

Also, they both still deny that there is an A occurring. She admitted to hooking up with him once in January. Said they only kissed and there was some heavy petting. I don't buy it. I actually confronted OM face to face and asked him about it, and he denied it after she had already told me it happened. I guess they were caught off guard and didn't have time to coordinate their lies...

[OrangeK]

Orange, my wife has a lot of past trauma and most likely a personality disorder as well. I think the drug use is a coping mechanism to deal with those 2 main issues. So instead of childhood issues and mental disorders, I get the drug abuse for the WW trifecta.

As far as the public blowback, she has had to jump from social group to social group. People find out she's full of crap and lying, so they quit hanging out with her. I've had several people tell me that all she wants is attention and they got tired of it. They bought into her lies in the beginning, but eventually saw through them. The little click she's in now is with OM and his friends, and she's got them under her thumb. Has them convinced I've been abusing her for years. So I'm sure he feels like some sort of white knight, when in reality he's just white trash...

Dude, you are describing my wife to a tee. LIKE TO A TEE.
Have you read much about Cluster B personality disorders?
It sounds like they are both prime candidates. Your sitch is the one i follow most closely because we are on similar time frames and our Wives seem so similar.

The whole cycling social groups is the same. When we got married my WW maybe had 3 non-family guests and only 2 of her 3 bridesmaids were her friends (both of which now hate her) and the 3rd was my really close Female friend.
Because she doesnt have a single "Lifer" best friend. She has alienated or excommunicated every person shes ever been close with once they call her out at some point on her Instagram copying or other weird triangulation behaviors.
Her new click will see through her BS soon, just as i expect my WW's new social circle will turn on her when she gets comfortable enough to start messing with them too.

Its a very sad pattern to watch, isnt it?
like Dr Jekyl and Mrs. Crazya$$teenager right?

[mtb1981]

Just got a text from W saying she wasn't going to be by to get the kids for ice cream tonight. I'm not surprised. I'm sure something better came up. She said she was getting ready to go look for a job. At 7:00 at night? I guess she's wanting to stay in the bar scene. I hope she can't find anything because the last place she needs to be is working in a bar. That lifestyle is what started this whole mess anyway. She said she had applied at a few places in town that would be regular day hours Monday through Friday. I asked if she had called them back. She said she did, but hasn't gotten an answer. I don't believe anything she says, so I doubt she even applied. She only interested in slinging drinks for tips so she can have immediate cash on hand each night. I wish she'd just grow up and get a real job, but I know that won't be happening anytime soon...

[mtb1981]

W just called and wanted to know if she could come over to tell the kids good night. I told her it was fine. I'm still a little pissed that she blew them off earlier and only wants to come when it's convenient for her. Oh well, I'm just gonna keep my cool and see how it goes...